Loneliness and Depression. Am I doomed to be forever alone?

[Strummer]

For the past year and a half I've struggled with depression and the most intense feeling I've felt throughout the whole thing is loneliness.

My family knows I am depressed and they know that I seek help from at a Headspace centre. Despite this, I sometimes feel I do not have their support in this. My brother and sister promised me five months ago that they would constantly check on me, and my brother has only done so a handful of times (he is overseas) and my sister has not even checked up on me and asked how I am doing. My parents tell me that I can come to them with anything, but I feel so uncomfortable talking to them about mental health, because my parents are quite old-fashioned and do not have a real understanding of it. Also in the past when I open up to them, I feel my dad turns it on me and makes me feel like all that is happening is my fault, making me feel worse. Furthermore, when they say to me 'Strummer, you can come to us with anything' I know they are lying. My brother once told my parents something concerning his sexuality, and a few months later, they kicked him out of the house. I have similar secret I hide from my religious parents (I have become a non-believer) and I know if I told them that, something similar would happen.

None of my friends know I have depression. I wanted to tell one of them for so long, but like my parents, I feel uncomfortable talking about mental health with them. The other day though, I tried talking to one of my friends about a sadness I felt, but he completely ignored it and talked about what he was doing instead. That hurt me bad, because it made me feel like no one on this planet wants to hear my issues.

My loneliness mainly stems from my interests and thoughts. During this struggle, I have become a more introspective person, able to see society from an outsider's perspective. All these thoughts and ideas buzz inside of me, and I have no one to share them with. Also, my interests do not resonate with any of my friends and family, especially my passion for music and my taste in musical genres.

All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else.

How do I fight all these feelings?

[Strummer]

Birdy,

I really appreciate it that you wanted to check up on me, thank you very much! There was actually some things I've been wanting to talk about.

Firstly, I have been able to hangout with my friends over the past week. I described the last moment as bittersweet because I felt happiness, but I realised in the end, I'll eventually revert back to the same loneliness. I also realised that I felt a little out of my place, that I feel I am not myself when I am with them and that I put on a mask of sorts. that feeling wasn't as strong as this time, but it was still there.

I actually took the initiative to write some lines of songs/poetry, but I am not very proud of them and I'm sort of embarrassed to post them. Still, I feel proud to ignore my fear of failure and actually try something. I can only get better from here, and I will try to hone my ability to wrote.

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking, trying to figure out the event or person in my life that made me feel the way I do today. Looking back, I feel like many of my issues actually stem from my father, or some sort of dysfunction in my family. When I was younger, I wouldn't see my dad often, because he had to work late hours, which I respect. However, my only memories of him during that time are actually negative ones... I remember him throwing chairs around (never at us) trying to make my siblings behave. I remember when he had a day-spanning argument with my mum when I was 7 which made me think my parents were going to divorce. I remember when I was 12, he called me a name that took a toll on my self-esteem. I remember just two years ago when he kicked out my brother and tried to brainwash me religiously. Looking at it now, I think it makes sense why I feel this way now, have, why I may have trouble trusting or forming deep bonds with people, why my self-esteem is low. But the problem is, I don't know how these emotional scars can heal.

Also, my brother (who is now overseas) recently just messaged me asking how I am soing. k appreciate the effort of him, but I don't know what to say. It's been so long since he last messages me and I feel I have changed so much since then.

Finally, I have booked an appointment with Headspace on Wednesday. I want to tell my psychologist everything that I have gone through mentally since our last meeting, from my increased OCD symptoms to this realisation I made about my dad. But I'm not sure how to go about telling her... I may need some advice on this.

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

There are some huge positives in your posts! It is great you have come to some realisation of what may be triggering how you are feeling. You can show the psychologist your post, let them read it and discuss which parts of it you want to.

There have been many times I have written things down and handed the paper to the psychologist or my Dr. I don't do technology well so have to hand write everything. Ha. Ha.

Since your brother has contacted you, it might be an opportunity for you to be honest with him about how you are feeling. He may be able to support you and offer some wisdom.

Regarding your song writing, I would still like to encourage you to share your ideas here. No one is going to be judgemental or critic what you have written. Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves.

You never know how much your words might help someone else. There are many people connected to this forum who just read and don't post. By you or any of us writing how we are feeling and what we are experiencing, we might help someone else realise that others feel similar to them.

You might be an encouragement for someone else to write down how they are feeling and struggling.

All the best with your appointment on Wednesday. If you feel comfortable, show this last post tot he psychologist. The more we tell them, the more they can help us!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Strummer]

Dools,

I've actually considered doing that; writing everything on my mind and giving it for my psychologist to read to save myself from the embarrassment I feel when I speak out loud, especially things regarding intrusive, unwanted thoughts. I think I'll try write down everything I have felt since our last session (more than a month ago) and even show her some pictures of the post I made here.

Also, in regards to my brother, I didn't respond to his message because there was so much for me to say and I did not know how to formulate it. I also felt a lot of resentment towards him and I was afraid that might show through in my response. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I can respond back to him now without it being awkward... He video-chatted my parents and I talked to him for a little bit. I did not want to say much to him, because I hold some anger towards him, one, for him not being consistent with his promise and two, me feeling as if he is apart of my issues, as I feel that he is still my parents' favourite child despite everything that has happened between them. I think my negative attitude was sort of apparent.

Lately, I realise that I have suppressed and downplayed a lot of the dysfunction in my family... I've considered cutting them out of my life when I'm older... There is an issue in my family where we never talk about our problems, we just ignore them like they never happened. I think that's another factor in my inability to communicate openly with others, and I'm afraid I will never grow out of it.

In regards to my songwriting, I might still post some lines here, but I absolutely need to refine them. When I was writing, I was sort of doing what came to my head in the moment and did not look at it very intuitively.

Thank you once more for your response.

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

Thanks for sharing. Family dynamics and relationships within can be difficult to understand. The thing is, each one in that family sees life from their own perspective. We can all be recalling the exact same event but all interpret it differently!

I have two siblings. When we get together and discuss stuff from our childhood, we all remember it differently. Maybe none of us are right, but in a way we all are!

I am a middle child. I always felt like I did not belong. My father idolised my older sibling, both parents loved and spoilt my younger sibling. Even as a child I spent more time away from home than actually being there.

It is not my younger siblings fault that my parents treated them so differently. In a way it was hard for my sibling as well. My parents had such high expectations and put pressure on them. They never thought I would be good for anything so I just did my own thing.

My Mum can not see any of this, she has her own feelings and beliefs about our family and how things were.

I'd like to suggest you do have a chat to your brother. If he was the favourite, did he have a choice in how they treated him over you? Your brother is still alive, so you have this opportunity to communicate with him.

A psychologist had me write out forgiveness letters, not so much to give to others, but as a way of letting go of a lot of pain and hurt. The longest letter I wrote was to myself. Forgiving myself for all the hurt and pain I had allowed into my life.

After all that divulging, I also tried to write down happy memories and plans for the future to balance out the negative.

My parents don't like talking about issues, so I discuss them with others or write out all my feelings. Songs are good for that too.

Cheers fro now from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

Just had another thought:

In order for us to grow, we need to step out of the shadows of other people and walk in the light with out heads held high!

[Strummer]

Dools,

Thanks again for your help. I think that quote really captures one of the struggles I am going through.

I just got home from a session with the Headspace psychologist, and was able to open up about some of the OCD symptoms that was bothering me. We spent the entirety of the session going over the more repugnant, invasive thoughts that popped into my head and started our work on CBT for that. She said it's good that I brought up the symptoms early, otherwise, I could have gotten a full disorder.

What I am sad about though is that since we focused the entirety of the session on the OC traits I have that we did not get to talk about much else. I wanted to go over with her what I have said here in this forum: my feelings of loneliness, depression, low self-esteem, the notion that my happiness is linked to the approval of others and the idea that no one cares about me or wants to hear about my problems. The worst part is it will not be another month until I see her again 😞

I'm not really sure how productive a conversation with my brother would go. Between my last post and this one, I did actually manage to have a chat with him, but not about our childhood, moreso what was on my mind at the time. I feel like if I brought up a conversation with him about how I feel he is our parents' favourite, it would just turn into an argument. Also Dools, even though I am the youngest child, I relate to your problems as the middle-child a lot; the eldest was the favourite, but in my case, the middle kid is sot of the spoiled one. As the youngest, I feel there is a lot of pressure on me to succeed, especially with the great things my brother has achieved, thus, me living in his shadow (which may be a source of my low self-esteem).

What I really want to bring up in my next session with the psychologist is how to improve my self-esteem, because recently I feel like that is the cause of a lot of my problems. I would really appreciate it if anyone had ideas on how I can improve what I think about myself in the meantime. My self-esteem has reached the point where I find myself unattractive in virtually any photo, and the only way I can achieve happiness is through a supporting, loving partner (which is an unhealthy way of thinking, in my opinion).

[Birdy77]

Dear Strummer,

You are so incredibly self-aware i almost can't believe you're 17 years old! You are getting a huge headstart on resolving those issues you want to address. To be aware of the dysfunction in your family at your age is inspirational. I started to uncover those dark realisations only in my late 20s i reckon. You're very switched on Strummer.

The building of self esteem ... that could be a long, ongoing process my friend. I'm still trying to build mine, and from what you've described of your parents and family, i can relate to a lot of it. Unfortunately, our parents are flawed and damaged human beings themselves and even if they don't mean to, they can often deeply wound us and our development, leaving us a mammoth task in adulthood to fix ourselves up.

It's a pity you have to wait another month to see your psychologist, but it does give you plenty of time to think on things and perhaps discuss them here before seeing her again.

I can very much relate to your feelings towards your brother, and all those unexpressed things you have going through your head that you want to say to him. I think you will know the right time. I think it would be good to talk to him, but if it doesn't feel quite right yet, let some time pass. I know you are hurt that his promise (and your sister's promise) has not been kept. He may be self-absorbed at the moment. But i know it hurts. Again, something i can very much relate to.

I think it's great that you are doing some writing. No pressure to post it, but you're more than welcome to when you feel comfy doing so. Like Dools said, there are lots of silent readers on the forums and your words, including the parts of your story that you've shared here will help a lot of people.

I haven't given you much help I'm afraid, but i wanted to touch base again, I've had a few things going on so I'm sorry i didn't jump back in sooner to chat with you.

Kindly, 🌻birdy

[Strummer]

Birdy,

I'm just glad that you took the time to touch base once more. Don't think you haven't been of help, because seeing someone take the time to check up on me is definitely supportive 🙂

I hope everything is okay on your end and if it something serious, do not worry much about me, give yourself the necessary attention.

A few things have actually happened from this post and my last... I had a serious chat with my parents yesterday, and they once again reminded me that I can tell them anything. The difference this time is... I kind of actually believe them now. They were coming from a more understanding point of view this time round, and they were also asking me questions about my depression, loneliness and developing OCD symptoms, and why it is I felt this way. Then, I asked my dad something. I asked him 'if I told you something that you would not like, what would happen?' He replied with, 'I may not like it, but I will still love you. Look at your older brother; do you think when he told me about his sexuality, I was happy about it?' (obviously, I knew he didn't, otherwise, my mood would probably me a lot better). When my dad said that, I wanted to tell my parents so badly that I had become a non-believer, especially since this past Sunday, I got into an argument about them about not wanting to go to church... but something held me back from breaking it to them. I felt like it wasn't the time yet. I think the doors have been opened for better understanding and a more positive reaction, but I still think if I had told them last night, I would not have gotten a good reply. 😞

In terms of building my self-esteem, that is definitely something I want to bring up in my next session. I've said this before, but I have noticed that I feel like I need the approval of others, or that I need people to like me. Lately, I check my phone so often to see if someone is putting in effort to socialise with me, and when I see no reply, I am immediately assume the worse. Thoughts include 'no one is talking to me because no one likes me', or 'they are probably talking to someone else right now' and I would be jealous.

Birdy, as someone who relates to my problem of low self-esteem, what were some methods you took in rebuilding your self-esteem?

Thanks once more for your input.

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

Low self esteem is something I struggle with often. In some ways I have had to learn that it is okay being me and it does not matter what other people think. Then my mind tries to tell me it does matter! If I start to listen to my mind I can drive myself crazy with those thoughts like you mentioned, "no one has contacted me so I am not a good person".

That is when I will send of a message to a friend just to say "Hi. Thinking of you" If they get back to me great, if they don't, it just means they didn't do so, not that they hate me.

I go to a couple of volunteer places while I am still looking for work. Some days I feel like I don't belong, no one there likes me and like I can't do anything right. Rubbish! It is all my mind talking rubbish. I belong there just as much as anyone else.

I help myself by holding my head high, walking in with a smile on my face and a cheery hello to everyone. I will ask people questions about themselves to get them talking. At the Op Shop I will surprise the customers with a happy greeting and a chat if they are receptive.

Putting on my favourite clothes when going out, or even to wear around the house helps me.

Accepting that I look the way I do has been difficult for me. I try now to look at the person within, I like the way I care for others and I am not all that self centred. To me that is important.

It can seem a long time between visits to the health professionals. This is a place where you can share and learn more as well Strummer.

I agree with Birdy, your self insight is amazing! Sometimes we need to relax a little and cut ourselves some slack and tell ourselves it is okay being who you are.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Strummer, wow what an articulate and thoughtful person you are, and only 17. I'm very impressed with how well you articulate your thoughts and your feelings. I just wanted to offer some advice, particularly as you've mentioned a few times "how do I discuss this/bring it up with my psychologist?" I would suggest you actually show him/her what you've written on this forum, because you seem to be articulating very well how you're feeling. In terms of self esteem, I think writing down all the qualities you like about yourself, even something small like "I like my hair/I like that I care a lot about my friends" or something similar. Focus on things you like about yourself and try to stop thinking about things you can't change. As for your fears about never having a relationship, you have plenty of time to work that out. Even if now you don't think you're ready for a relationship, don't speak for your future self just yet! I guarantee that you will date many people and have many relationships in your life, even if you don't feel like it now. Sending you love.