Loneliness and Depression. Am I doomed to be forever alone?

[Strummer]

For the past year and a half I've struggled with depression and the most intense feeling I've felt throughout the whole thing is loneliness.

My family knows I am depressed and they know that I seek help from at a Headspace centre. Despite this, I sometimes feel I do not have their support in this. My brother and sister promised me five months ago that they would constantly check on me, and my brother has only done so a handful of times (he is overseas) and my sister has not even checked up on me and asked how I am doing. My parents tell me that I can come to them with anything, but I feel so uncomfortable talking to them about mental health, because my parents are quite old-fashioned and do not have a real understanding of it. Also in the past when I open up to them, I feel my dad turns it on me and makes me feel like all that is happening is my fault, making me feel worse. Furthermore, when they say to me 'Strummer, you can come to us with anything' I know they are lying. My brother once told my parents something concerning his sexuality, and a few months later, they kicked him out of the house. I have similar secret I hide from my religious parents (I have become a non-believer) and I know if I told them that, something similar would happen.

None of my friends know I have depression. I wanted to tell one of them for so long, but like my parents, I feel uncomfortable talking about mental health with them. The other day though, I tried talking to one of my friends about a sadness I felt, but he completely ignored it and talked about what he was doing instead. That hurt me bad, because it made me feel like no one on this planet wants to hear my issues.

My loneliness mainly stems from my interests and thoughts. During this struggle, I have become a more introspective person, able to see society from an outsider's perspective. All these thoughts and ideas buzz inside of me, and I have no one to share them with. Also, my interests do not resonate with any of my friends and family, especially my passion for music and my taste in musical genres.

All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else.

How do I fight all these feelings?

[Strummer]

Is anyone able to help me? This loneliness is overwhelming...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Strummer,

I am so sorry for the late reply. This was purely accidental and not a reflection on you in any way, shape or form.

Thank you so much for posting as it often isn’t easy to open up, and I would like to extend a warm welcome to you here 🙂

Honestly, your post was heartbreaking. I felt your sadness, hurt, feelings of “shame” for your secret (which is not to say what you’re hiding is actually shameful of course but I’m talking about your feelings) and a sense of conditional love (i.e. your parents will only accept you if you are a certain “way.”)

I’m glad you’re receiving help from Headspace; good on you for reaching out to them as well as here on the forums. Both acts were very courageous.

I feel it’s a difficult situation and it’s heart wrenching to hear that they kicked your brother out for his sexuality. I don’t understand how parents can do that...it’s really sad.

Sorry, I’m not sure how old you are but I wonder if moving out (assuming you’re living with your parents) is an option in the foreseeable future? I’m suggesting it because considering your parents strong views and treatment of your brother, I’m not sure an open conversation would work in your favour.

As for:

All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else

I hear what you’re saying, and I get the sense of isolation and loneliness that comes across loud and clear. But if it helps in the slightest, I find it helpful to try to remind ourselves that no one can predict the future. And even if things are bleak in the here and now, it won’t necessarily be the same in the future. Circumstances evolve and change and new people might enter your life. Just a thought to consider...

If you would like to share more about yourself, please feel free to do so. There is zero pressure of course but the option is definitely available. Just know you don’t have to go through this alone.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Birdy77]

Hi Strummer,

I'm sorry your post wasn't answered sooner.

Welcome to the forums. I can assure you that there are plenty of people here who understand the depths of your feelings, and that deep loneliness that can feel do increibly loneliness.

You have come to a beautiful place here, full of caring people, and we want to hear about your thoughts and feelings. You can use this space to air them.

You have a passion for music. You said that you feel "I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brickwall that cuts me off from everyone else". They would be powerful lyrics. Do you write music? That would be a powerful way to express your feelings.

i am really sorry to hear that you don't trust your parents with going to them with anything ... i can understand why, with what happened with your brother.

Strummer, i want you to know you're not alone and we are listening and caring.

I hope you come back and write to us some more.

Gentle thoughts to you.

🌻 birdy

[Birdy77]

Hi Strummer (waves to Pepper, i think we were posting at same time 😊 what a lovely post from you).

My "welcome" paragraph made zero sense. I need to learn to proof-read before posting.

Sorry!

I was trying to say that there are plenty of people here who can really empathise with your feelings of deep loneliness and you're not alone.

I will try to do better next time ...

🌻birdy

[Strummer]

Thank you Pepper and Birdy for your kind words and responses,

My parents are actually on better terms with my brother, but it took them awhile to reconcile. Still, that whole situation has a lasting effect on me this day. It made me lost trust in people, kept me up at night wondering if my family was broken forever and is actually one of the things that has contributed to my depression and anxiety.

To answer your question Pepper, I'm 17 years old living in NSW doing my final year at high school, thus, my HSC. Sadly, moving out is not an option for me... But I do plan on taking a gap year travelling the world (something I've always wanted to do) to be away from my parents. If I do try and move out, I know they will be 'offended' in some way because that is how they felt with my brother (even though they told him to move out, which makes me livid at them). And yes Pepper, I do feel some kind of 'conditional love' where I feel I have to be a certain way to please my parents... Ironically, I feel like some of it comes from being overshadowed by my brother.

In terms of my loneliness, it has sort of subsided over the past few days. It's still there though, and it always come back so intensely. A few days ago, I was with my some of my oldest friends enjoying their company. I felt great, but I also felt sad at the same time (if that is even possible) because I realise how little they know about me, my struggles with depression, the critical way of thinking I have adapted and the things I am passionate about. When I get these feelings, it makes me question the basis of any of my friendships, because I feel I cannot talk to people about everything in my life as well as what I am interested in.

To answer your question Birdy, I am very new to music, but I already love it a lot. I want to start getting into writing my own stuff, however... I feel like it would not be good enough, which is a weird way of thinking because I am only new. And people tell me I am a good writer and very articulate in what I have to say. Still though, I have a fear of failure that constantly holds me back from doing a lot of things, and is sadly an trait have inherited from my dad. So the thing holding me back in that aspect is myself.

Thank you both for responding, it really does mean a lot to me. I will try and respond as best as I can if you respond to this one 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

I too welcome you to the community here. You have received a couple of wonderful replies from Pepper and Birdy.

Family relationships can be confusing at times for some people. I'm assuming you are the youngest sibling, is that right? You mentioned a brother is overseas and a sister who hasn't checked up on you, has she left home as well?

Trying to live up to other people's expectations can be difficult for anyone, let alone a person with their own struggles with mental health issues. Growing up I believed I would never be able to live up to anyone's expectations. Now I try to live to my own standards and by what is reality for me.

You are your parent's child, but you can never be your Mum or your Dad, you are you, a unique person with your own abilities and talents. You do not have to live with your Father's traits in you. You are aware of how he is and you can change that in yourself!

(Example:)A child of an alcoholic does not have to grow up to be an alcoholic. You can learn to turn your fear of failure into one of accepting everything doesn't have to work out excellent the first time. You can learn along the way and discover what does work.

I'd like to encourage you to write a song and post it here, even if it just a verse, or even ideas for a song. Expressing how we are feeling through words can be healing! Do you find it has been helpful already to connect with people here and to share how you are feeling?

Regarding your friends, some of them may be experiencing their own problems and issues and not know how to express themselves, or may be afraid to do so. A lot of people don't understand mental health issues. It is something they can not "see". It doesn't mean they don't care for you , it means they just don't get it.

There is a lot of information available on this site along with the forum. You might like to look at some of the resources. It may help to request or print off information regarding how family and friends can assist a person suffering from depression.

Wishing you well on your journey, and hope you might like to share a song or song ideas with us.

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Strummer,

Welcome, I am glad you are part of the forum. You write well and I can sense you are creative and have a message to convey to others. I think writing a song or poetry is a good idea. I do not like the word 'failed".

I like this quote from Thomas Edison. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I wrote a long reply but not being technical I lost it.

Birdy, Pepper and Mrs Dool have written caring and helpful replies.

17 is a great age for self discovery, idealism, energy and imagination but it is also full of intense feelings and pressure from school and parents.

A gap year sounds great and you could start a journal and be inspired by your travels.

It would be great to be able to share everything with your friends and have them understand everything you feel but that is not always possible. It is possible to have very close friends with people that understand you but maybe with whom you don't have too much in common .

All the best and I like Mrs Dool, hope you may share a song or poem with us.

Thanks again for reaching out and sharing your story. You will have helped others reading your post who can relate to you words.

Quirky

[Strummer]

Thank you for your warm welcomes Dools and Quirky,

I am the youngest of three siblings. My sister still lives in the house, yet, I feel such a disconnect between the two of us. Also, I do feel that I constantly try to live up to the expectations of parents. I'm not sure how to break free from that, since my mental health struggles also stem from low self-esteem.

Dools, I may take you up on your suggestion to post a song here. I don't really have any concrete ideas, but I know for a fact that if I write, most of it will likely be reflective of society, whether a political or social statement. I've considered writing some form of creative piece on metal illness, as I feel that it is a serious issue that is often overlooked and is never talked about. Also, I do find it nice to talk on this forum how I feel. But I feel it is better for me to talk to people in person about our problems. I want to find a way to communicate with the people around me openly to fight this loneliness.

Quirky, I think you are absolutely write with that you say. I should just get over my fear and push myself, as it would make me better. It may take some time, but I will do my best.

[Birdy77]

Hey Strummer,

Just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing?

How are your school holidays going, have you been hanging out with your friends the last week or so since we chatted? You said last time it was kinda bittersweet, you felt happy and sad at the same time. I get that feeling. I have it sometimes when like, the moment is perfect .. like a beautiful sunset, or a perfect moment on the beach, it's beautiful but hurts my heart at the same time because of the fleeting nature of time or something, I'm sure you can express it with a lot more clarity than i could ...

I would love to read any songs or poems if you ever decide to post them up here.

I understand your feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. That is something I've struggled with in my life. Mine originated from my father as well, and unfortunately I've wasted a lot of energy trying to gain his approval. Fear of failure is something that has stemmed from that too for me, and has caused me to freeze up and not take some opportunities in my life. I think you are well on your way to defeating that way of thinking just by being aware of it at such a young age.

Anyway, it had been a few days so i just wanted to check in and see if you felt like talking some more.

You're always welcome to use this thread to express your thoughts and feelings.

🌻birdy