Living with a parent with Mental Illness affects and coping strategies

[Homebound]

I am a mother of a 19 year old, my mental illness has affected his life detrimentally. I'm posting here, sorry if I shouldn't, but I would like to know how other young people cope with their parents condition and the craziness it causes in your young, precious lives. I'm guilt ridden because of it, my son is my world and I love him more than anything. Knowing I have caused him emotional turmoil due to my condition breaks my heart. Incidentally, both my parents had MI although undiagnosed, as do my siblings. That's how I know the damage it does, I'm an adult product of it. I'm working my way through it all now and hope to be free from my childhood traumas and at the same time, I'd like to help my son so he doesn't end up scarred too. Any advice would be so appreciated and I can also offer support and advice having now been on both sides, as a parental figure to young people here suffering. Thank you

[james1]

Hello Homebound,

I'm a 25 male and I certainly struggled with my parents...stuff...so I just wanted to say welcome and thank you for being a caring parent.

It sounds like you've come to recognise how your childhood affected you (just as mine affected me) and are working on it now. That's super brave of you especially because you're now worried about how you might, and don't want to, perpetuate the cycle. That is a very scary thought.

In terms of what to do...have you spoken to your son about how he wants your relationship to be? I think the healthiest parent/child relationships are those where you both know where you each stand currently, but also where you both want the relationship to go. Perhaps he wants a bit of space now so find himself as a new adult, but that later on, he'll want to help you out more. Or perhaps the opposite.

I think you're doing a wonderful job already by trying to work on yourself, by yourself. Now, this relationship is different because there are two people involved, so a chat to him might be very helpful. If my mum magically turned around and said that, I'd be grateful that she involved me, even if I didn't know the answer straight away.

James

[Homebound]

Thank you so much James1, our parents can lump us with a lot of their crap, and life is hard enough as it is just to get by. My son and I are super close, 2 peas in a pod ! He is wonderful, kind, considerate, everything you could hope for. I, on the other hand, could have been a much better role model when it comes to handling emotions. I struggle with acknowledging how I feel and just put on a brave face. Have been like this since very young, distancing myself from my feelings, to cope. I don't want him to do that, so I'm starting with me, i'm encouraging him to tell me how he feels about things I've done and how it affected him. It's very confronting to accept responsibility for my not so good behaviours, but I do now see I was reacting because those events triggered unfinished business and resolved issues. Because I know that, I'm encouraging him to face things in his life, although difficult to do sometimes, and to know I am here to support him to do that. So while healing myself I'm also vigilant about his emotional state. I'm hyper sensitive to other people, I know when they are struggling, I recognise the signs from my own experience. Which does make it hard for me to switch off, which means I do have to isolate myself to recharge. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride, that's for sure.

i will have that chat with him, that's great advice! I am open about my childhood and condition with him, so he knows that he is not to blame for anything. I know I blamed myself for my parents problems, because they would never discuss things. For the longest time I viewed dysfunction as normal because I had no one to talk to about what was going on at home. It's important we as parents do better than what was done to us, and especially when we finally know better. I think it's important for any young people reading this, to know that their parents problems are not your fault! And may I apologise on behalf of us parents to you precious young ones, when we stuff up and it hurts you. Please don't carry that pain, if you can't speak with them, find somewhere you can speak freely to unburden yourselves. Thank you again James1

[james1]

Hey Homebound,

I'm glad to hear you're really trying. You don't need to be too hard on yourself, though I can certainly understand why given your upbringing. You had reasons for not being able to control your emotions and you still do, but you're trying to get better despite of those reasons. Regardless of what happens, your son will recognise this. He may not be able to show it, but he - like us - will see and appreciate that you are trying to change.

I did notice you said that you recognise the signs from your own experience. I hope you don't mind if I just make a little comment on this? I always used to say the same thing - that because I'm quite tuned in to other people, I tend to be able to notice small changes in their emotional state. However, I made mistakes because I drew too heavily on my own experiences. Rather than noticing changes and asking if they were okay, I made too many assumptions about how they were feeling, based on how I would've felt. I think it's a really great thing that we can feel when others are feeling off, but I just try to make less assumptions nowadays. Just a thought. You might not do the same thing as me. 🙂

Thanks for the reply.

James

[Homebound]

You are spot on with the assumptions bit! My son has pulled me up several times on that. I'm amazed at how he is able to seperate himself from my feelings, I couldnt do that as a child.

I took on board all my mothers feelings, my family's problems as if they were my own. (My brother had behavioural issues ie violent, drug abuse etc was in jail my whole life, my sisters were abusive, violent, I'm the youngest, I just went unnoticed unless I was being abused.)

That's perhaps why I think he is doing the same. He is so assertive with me, when I cross over into his emotional space, he speaks up, very firmly yet kindly, that I need to stop it, again, something I could never do, I had no boundaries at all growing up, was always invaded psychically, emotionally and physically, there was no me!

A therapist did tell me that, I have raised my son differently and treated him differently to how I was treated growing up, so the reality is, he doesn't have my same insecurities and trauma related maladaptive coping ways. He told me to be proud I have broken that cycle. I know I have, but I still wish he didn't have to go through my crap with me. It feels good to speak so freely for the first time in my life. Thank you for listening and replying, it means so much to me

[james1]

Hello homebound,

I think your therapist is spot on about how you've already raised your son differently to how you were raised, and I hope you can feel proud of that. I know you feel like there are still things you wish you'd done differently, but no upbringing is perfect even if we hold ourselves to that standard. Your son will know this and it sounds like he's already learnt a lot of healthy identity separation habits.

I'm glad yo hear you've felt like you could speak freely on the forums. That's wonderful to hear 🙂

James