knowing you have no one there for you

[brokenbeyondrepair]

I just realized i have no friends, and my siblings don't know but they wouldn't really care otherwise they are too into there own lives, but i'm just so sick of continuously asking people how they are, being there counselor when they know i'm going through so much stuff right now, a few even knowing that i want to end my life i never get asked how i am or even talk too anymore, i'm just tired of this, i have no one there for me, if I died, they'd be sitting there crying and telling everyone we were such good friends 

[brokenbeyondrepair]

it's just at that point where i have given up on everyone 

[JessF]

Hello broken, it is a sad fact of life that when you tell some people that you have had suicidal thoughts that they don't know how to react. What seems "normal" to us can be utterly terrifying when you disclose to other people. I have had this happen to me. Some people then don't relate to you in the same way, terrified of saying the wrong thing in case it upsets you or sends you off the deep end. Or maybe they're terrified of asking how you are because they;re scared of hearing the answer.

Regardless, one of the important steps toward living with depression and smoothing out the bumps is learning to realise what is within our control and what isn't.  Other people fit firmly into the latter category.  If you are using validation from other people as the acid test for your own wellbeing, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.  You are giving over control of your life, effectively, to others. 

Ironically, that is where self-harming and suicidal thoughts can come from: a very misguided desire to get back control over our lives when we feel we have lost it.

I am concerned to read you mention that you are thinking about how your friends may or may not react if you were no longer here: that is not helpful thinking. "They'll be sorry when I'm gone" is a common phrase to run through our heads when we are feeling very low and angry, but if you think about it for a minute: if you were to go and do the worst, you would not be around to know anyway, so nothing has been acheived, other than denying yourself the chance to take back control of your life and define happiness on your own terms, not on other people's.

[brokenbeyondrepair]

i'm not even sure how to make new friends or anything anymore, i have been housebound since i was 16 and i'm now nearly 19.. crippling anxiety has mostly done this too me, seeing family would almost every time lead to an anxiety attack, all i wanted in life is a family, a husband and some kids but now i don't see that happening ever, so why even both getting to that point? i'm just wasting peoples time, money and space 

[JessF]

But broken, other people don't own time. You have time of your own.  Just to turn things round for a moment, think about friends or family members who have hurt or upset you: aren't they wasting your time, rather than the other way round? 

There's no way to say this without it coming across as a little patronising, so please forgive me, but it would be very sad for you to feel like your life is over at only 19 years of age.  Three years housebound is a very long time in anyone's book, but I can remember looking back to your age, and even through my twenties, that time really really felt stretched out.  I couldn't imagine what 30 would feel like, let alone 50.

Your anxiety is doubtless clouding your thinking, but please believe me when I say there is plenty of time for meeting someone special and having a family.

Friendships, like relationships, are a great part of life but we can't have healthy or successful ones if we are hating on ourselves. It's frightening I know, but learning to be happy in one's own company and with your own self is the first step towards loving others and being loved in return.

[brokenbeyondrepair]

I just want this all to be over, if it does end with me getting on with my life i'm scared of going back what i am now, and we know what that would lead too.. 

I know that i'm only 18 nearly 19 but living every day wanting it to just be over wishing you wouldn't wake up each morning, begging for someone to take your life away from you because you are so sick and tired, i want help, i need help, i am getting help from headspace but sometimes i don't think it's enough i want to go to a clinic but that would mean telling my mother that, everyday i'm in fear of ending my own life, telling her that she could lose her baby, even if she;s okay with it, it doesn't mean that we are covered by our insurance  and if we aren't i can't go we don't have that kind of money 

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi again BBR,

Our chat service has just opened up as of 3pm. We'd encourage you to log on and have a chat with of our counsellors. They can talk to you live, whereas there can be a lag between responses on the forums and also the scope to assist when you are feeling as low and distressed as you are at the moment, is limited on the forums. It is best to seek live professional assistance, like you can on chat, our supportline, or through local supports.

Otherwise please get hold of your worker at Headspace. It is important that Headspace know the depth of how you are feeling and that you are feeling like you don't want to wake up, also that you are fearful of taking your own life.

The other options BBR are to call your local mental health team on the number we've provided to you via email. If you do feel you may try and end your life, please call 000.

We know you are hurting, we just want to make sure you seek out the most appropriate support and assistance, that will be able to help. We can hear you want help, but as we said the more useful supports will be:
- local mental health
- beyondblue support line (chat has just opened at 3pm)
- contact your local Headspace
- call 000 for an ambulance

[blesschu]

my so called friends but no one is there for me when i really really need them, I've never ever felt like my presence ever mattered to someone. every day i feel more lonely, escpecially seing how on social media people hanging with their friends and having fun. i dont want a million friends all i want is atleast one person that i can talk and share my pain with. but i always feel like im never ever going to meet that person