There is a sense of sameness, dullness, lifelessness to your post. What is something tiny that gives you even a spark of pleasure, can you make it your task to look for something simple to entice one of your senses with each day, and feel some pleasure - a spot in the sun, where you can stand still and feel nourished in its rays, a mindfulness eating of a single chocolate truffle, a gratitude journal where you take photos or list 3 things which you were grateful for in your life today. It doesnt have to be big stuff. My gratitude for today was thought out on the bus home from a doctors appointment I missed, and previous to that had each time prepared to go to but missed a uni lecture, tute, and study session, then returned to bed resigned. Went all the way to the city for drs and was late and missed it. Although I felt like I wasted yet another day, I was grateful that I could buy takeaway, because I couldn't be bothered cooking, and i was grateful I could be there for a friend of mine who was having a hard time, and talk to her by phone which i would not of been able to do if I was wrapped up in the busyness of the day planned, and finally I was grateful that i had memories of happier times where I was not such a shell of a person, and that I have the capacity to still find enjoyment in life even though it is so much more difficult when you feel so crap about your self. I wonder if finding pleasure in small things, could make your life less dull, and you feel less like a lifeless person. Going and doing something different to break the sameness - go to the art gallery, or eat something unusual, try a new recipe - just something that is not sameness. Give it a go. Let us know what happens! I know it takes effort - but what do you have to lose? Just more sameness really.
