Just a little about me...

[Lyssa]

Hi,

I promised my friends and myself that I would attempt to communicate on these forums so here goes.

When I was teenager I was sad at least 99% of the time, I have these clear memories of me getting home from school then laying underneath my bed and crying for hours at a time. My family classed this as “just being a teenager” and ignored it for the most part. The problem is that I am now 23 and regular bouts of melancholy/depression/overall worthlessness continue. I had about a year of being happy and feeling “normal” when I was about 19 (coinciding with making a lot of friends at college and having a boyfriend). However this time was short lived and I have been depressed most days for over two years now but have stonily refused to communicate about it.

Things hit an all time low last year when my boyfriend broke up with me saying it was “so tiring” that he could never convince me I was beautiful and loved. I was also quite heavy at that time so self esteem was at an all time low and the break up turned the whole thing into a nasty cocktail of negative emotion. I have since started exercising regularly (lost all the weight!) and still keep in contact with my ex-boyfriend and we are on pretty good terms. However, even with this I STILL feel depressed most of the time and my weight loss has backfired to the point where I constantly obsess about my current weight. I have recently started a PhD since academia has always been one of my strengths but a lot of the work is stuff I do at home which means I have little regular social contact. The friends that made my college years so enjoyable don’t seem to have time/want to spend time with me so loneliness is a very dominating feeling. It has now gotten to the point where I have a paper due in a few days and I am not going to get it finished in time (something I have NEVER had a problem with). I often find myself wishing I wasn’t around anymore since I contribute so little to the world and the people I know but I quickly dismiss the idea of killing myself as being too untidy. So I’m kind of at a loss of how to improve my situation. The only person who wants to spend time with me is my ex-boyfriend who (while we are good friends) he is tied up with a lot of anxious feelings of the past and the prospect of him dating other people is still not something I enjoy thinking about.

So that’s my story, for those of you who read it I really appreciate it J. I know I may not get a reply to this but hopefully the act of posting this will be therapeutic in itself. 

[LC_27]

Hi Lyssa,

I’m new to this online community as well but have joined others in the past and I feel that they really do help.

Let me start by saying that I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling at the moment. I too was a very depressed teenager and even suffered bad anxiety throughout university even though I had many friends and had lots of fun.

I came to a point in my life where, even though it wasn’t perfect, things were getting better. Unfortunately things have happened that have caused those feelings of depression, anxiety and worthlessness to reappear again. It’s a very hard thing to explain to people who don’t suffer from these illnesses what it is like to feel hopeless; however that’s why these forums are so useful. Everyone here understands in one way or another how you are feeling. Almost all of us have felt it would just be better if we weren’t around anymore (this doesn’t always mean you want to kill yourself).

The one thing I will tell you is that no matter what your size or shape, the most beautiful people in the world glow from the inside out. Get out there and show the world the amazing person you are! You are clearly smart and articulate. I’m sure you’re funny and far more attractive than what you give yourself credit for! You are a CATCH! I used to worry about my body too… then one day I realised that I would never get to the end of my life wishing I’d showed less skin while I was young. You will never be on your death bed wishing you’d laughed less, travelled less, gone to bed earlier or cleaned the house more! These things I am absolutely sure of.

Make sure you keep chatting on these forums- I’m sure one day you’ll be helping someone get through a similar situation who feels just as lost and alone as you do now.

xx

[geoff]

dear LC, what a lovely stimulating story.

I hope that people who can print this off, do so, and attach it to their frig. or wall near where they sit, just to remind them there is light at the end of the tunnel. Geoff.