It hurts so hard

[DGItlu]

Hello,

I've been going through a lot of emotional stress lately. I've had a lot of people, who I thought I could trust to stand by me when things get tough, effectively turn their backs on me.

If that's not bad enough; on an evening a couple of weekends back I went out with a group of friends, and I had to witness another person, who I know has it in for me, being in the ear on several occasions of someone I considered to be a particularly good and trustworthy friend of mine. At a time I need honesty, assurance, understanding from people, and to not be left in the dark; given I'm now having a hard time trusting people on face value, this ambiguity doesn't do well to make me feel at ease.

At the end of the evening, I was left stranded in another particularly awful and stressful situation that I personally didn't need. I had asked the friend in question for a favour, but the friend couldn't do that favour for me and gave perfectly good justification for it. They werent in the wrong, in other words, but I didn't rationalise that at the time and I didn't react to the situation as gracefully (I didn't shout at or abuse them at all, but I wasn't my usual polite self) as I normally would have in usual circumstances.

Needless to say, the friend in question didn't take it very well and has decided to cut me out completely, without giving me the chance to apologise or explain myself (I don't excuse how I reacted); or without asking me if I was OK. I don't have any way of making contact with them now.

I've been there quite a lot for them and have asked for very little in return, and I was always happy to just be thanked for my time and assistance. I figured that it would be implied, though, that as friends we'd at least be there for each other through the easy and the tough times. I certainly would be there for this friend if the situation was reversed.

This is someone who knows what I've been going through lately, too. The suspicion that I did not actually have the understanding I thought I did from this friend hurts really hard.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Advice?

[geoff]

hello DGltlu, it's lonely isn't it, especially when you have helped your friends/mates through difficult times but it's not reciprocated, unfortunately that's exactly what happens, they're not interested in wanting to get involved, they feel as though their life is more important.
The rest of them will most probably be the same, but when they do this then you couldn't call them as being your friend, they are only acquaintances, and will only contact you when they need help, so this is where you have to be strong and refuse them the help that they shouldn't given you, I know it's easy to give in, but remember they were the people who denial giving you any help.
I think that there is a lot you have to cope with but you won't be able to overcome this unless you first of all see your doctor, who I hope they would refer you to a psychologist.
Please post back so that the conversation can continue. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi DGltlu,

Welcome to the community here. It is really tough when relationships break down, when the people whom yo expect to be there for you are not able to help you. Trying to understand why that happens is very difficult.

I know when I am emotionally stressed, I do and say things I later regret. Some times I have the opportunity to apologise to people, other times I don't. It can hurt deeply when I am not given the opportunity to explain the situation.

Unfortunately some people are with us when we are doing well and don't want to have a thing to do with us when we are not coping.

When that happens, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and try to find ways to accept myself and to believe in myself again.

Hopefully sharing how you are feeling here will help you to build up your confidence and strength. Your friends might not understand the depth of your problems right now. Is it possible for you to find a counsellor to chat with? Would you consider using a phone help line like the one here at Beyond blue on 1300 22 4636.

Hope some of this helps!

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[The_Possum]

Hey there

True friends wouldn't do this to you, and as you've said it should be a reciprocal relationship.

I understand that you've not acted in your normal way, but again a true friend that knows you've been having a tough time, should be able to forgive you. Yes they may be upset and angry with you and may distance themselves for a little while. But if they care they will come back and at least hear you out.

I question how good of a friend they really are if they aren't willing to do this. And you shouldn't have to grovel to get them back. You're not desperate.

It sounds like you've got a lot going on and going through a bit, and personally someone independent is often the best person to speak to. Psychologists are worth their weight in gold in my opinion because they listen, they don't judge, they aren't you friend so you don't need to worry about offending them or getting angry. In fact they are used to the outpouring of all kinds of emotions. It's a safe place to cry, be angry, and say things you wouldn't normally say.

First point would be the GP who can refer you to a psychologist. Download to this person and see where it takes you.

As for the 'friends', forget about them for now and focus on yourself. You're number one and don't forget that.

Take care x