is this depression?

[chloe92]

It feels weird to express this,  because I haven't told anyone exactly how I feel. But my experiences of feeling down are becoming a lot more frequent and it's wearing me down to keep it inside.

 I moved from NZ to Australia in late 2013 as I had just finished university and wanted to find work. I began my first ever relationship with a boy I had known for nearly a year (as we met on an earlier trip to Australia, but due to living in different countries, we had had a semi sorta online relationship). During the time spent apart, there had been several occasions when he hurt me emotionally (several stemming from his reputatino as   'player'), but I forgave and thought that once we are in the same country it will be better.We dated for about 2 months, until he broke up with me a few days before my 22nd birthday. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Being told that I am too passive, shy, quiet and boring by someone who had previously liked me a lot was absolutely heartbreaking.

 That's what started my feelings of depression. But I know that everyone goes through break ups and that they are always hurtful,  so I am unsure whether my conclusion that I am depressed is warranted or not. It has been over two months now since he dumped me. I feel worthless, hollow, and unhappy. I can try and distract myself with things I am still able to enjoy, such as being with the few friends I have in this country. However, I feel I am developing a reliance on alcohol to assist with my mood. My securing a job and my upcoming graduation ceremony should be happy occasions, but this sadness overwhelms any happy emotions. I dread being alone and always try to fill in my time with a friend, but they have their own lives and I can't always have this dependebce on them. Plus they don't know the extent of how bad I feel. Whenever I am alone I struggle to be happy at all, as the thoughts that are constantly in the back of my mind come forth and I dwell over hurtful details. I have a tendency for obsessive behaviour (a self-diagnosed, I might add, OCD) and find myself obsessing over tiny things and future possibilities such as whether my ex has moved on, etc. I hurt myself even further because I can stop thinking about these things. 

Lately my ex has taken to messaging me again through Facebook, and his efforts at maintaining a normal conversation end up getting me upset again (as I still have feelings for him) when he mentions things from when we were together,  such as the fact I was shy at parties he would take me to. It makes me feel as though I should have done better and that I messed everything up. I feel relieved when he contacts me. But I feel so unhappy now, with this awful emptyness in my body that stops me from ever truly feeling joy. Lately I have been having recurring thoughts about how it would be so much easier to end it. I find myself thinking about what I would do. I don't actually want to do it, and I won't,  but I can't help but entertain these thoughts. 

Anyway, I still feel unsure as to whether this is actually depression or whether I am just having a bad reaction to an upsetting circumstance. My dad was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, I'm not sure whether it could be a genetic thing either.  I just know that I have never felt as low as this for this amount of time. I feel very alone and just want to be happy again.

Chloe

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[Neil_1]

Hi Chloe

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done to you for putting out your post.

I wouldn’t say that what you’re experiencing is depression, but I also wouldn’t want to say it isn’t … but what I will say is that you sound like a wonderful intelligent person who really did fall for a guy who is a player and who I believe, isn’t that nice a guy.  I’m sorry, but with what you’ve described of him and how he made you feel very low and bad about yourself, I think you should really tell him to take a hike.

If it’s possible I’d remove him from your Facebook – I don’t know anything about Facebook so don’t know if you can do that, but to keep hearing from him is only going to be upsetting for you. 

Yes, this will take some time to get over – it’s been 2 months now and it’s going to continue to take a lot longer if he continues to ‘hang around’.

You deserve someone who is totally dedicated to you Chloe and someone who isn’t going to belittle you – gosh with partners like him, who needs enemies.  Sorry about that, but it’s just how I’m reading this situation.

You’ve expressed a couple of really pleasing things – well more than a couple, but the fact that you’re scored a job!  Super well done to you Chloe.  How long before you start that?  That will be a very positive change in your life and out of that, you just never know where you’ll end up and where it’ll take you.  I hope you excel at that.

Upcoming graduation ceremony, another huge TICK for you. 

 I also like it how you’ve still got interests and can distract yourself with those things and other friends.  My opinion is to keep doing that – and if you don’t feel the need to tell anyone just how you’re feeling – then that’s ok.

And Chloe if you really feel like you need some professional help/guidance, it might not hurt to make an appointment with a GP.  On this website, Beyond Blue have a big listing of them and hopefully you can narrow your search down to your area – the thing with these GP’s is that they are qualified and experienced in dealing with mental health issues.  It might not harm in going along and telling them your story.

I hope I’ve helped in some small way with my post.

Kind regards

Neil

[Queenie]

Hello Chloe, your post struck a chord with me because you are my daughter's age. Do your parents know how you are feeling?  I am sure that they would want to hear that you are confused and not feeling happy within yourself so that they can support you.

I think the best way forward is to seek professional support and help.  It really is to big a job to try and work on alone.  

Please go and see your GP.  Book a long appointment and work with them to put together a mental health plan for you.  

Good luck Chloe, reaching out is a big step in your recovery and you have already done this. Queenie

[Queenie]

PS Moving on from that young man might be the very best thing to do.  If he is hurting you emotionally now, this will never change.  I will give you the same advice I have given my daughter, if he prides himself as a player, he is playing with himself,  And yes, all the possible meanings attached to this phrase are relevant :)...  It doesn't sound like you were right for each other, and while you stay attached to him, you could be missing out on someone else who is right for you.  Focus on getting yourself well, and then you will attract the people into your life who are meant to be there.

You are obviously a very intelligent, determined young woman who has made some very brave life choices already!  (I envy your decision to follow your dreams and move countries!)  You will be okay!

[chloe92]

Thank you Neil and Queenie for your kind words. They made me tear up just knowing that there are great people like you out there who are willing to reply to a confused and vulnerable girl like me. I feel a little guilty posting on this page and taking up your time because there are so many people on here who are going through much more than I am. So honestly,  thank you so much for replying. 

My best friend's younger brother (who is a very mature for his age 17 year old) tells me that he hates the fact that my ex is making me feel like it's all my fault, that I am not "boring" and that people bring out themselves in others so that maybe my ex is in fact the boring one.  But I know that I was boring and shy and didn't speak much at group events. I didn't want to come across as an idiot around him so held back on my usually cheerful and silly self; or sometimes he would say things about other girls and that would bug me and make me more quiet. I should have tried harder. I guess it was just a repeating cycle of some sort.

I have been at my job since January and now two friends and I have been accepted for a rental house. However, one of these friends is also friends with my ex and expressed the fact that she wants to be able to invite him and the rest of their group over to our new house. This makes me nervous because I still have feelings for him and am still upset,  but I don't want to say anything for fear of her repeating my feelings to my him. 

I am heading back to NZ next week for graduation.  I look forward to seeing my family and spending time with my mum, who despite not knowing the extent of how I feel, always manages to cheer me up.

I guess I will see how I feel when I come back, with regards to seeing a GP. I am nervous about them disregarding me and saying that I am absolutely fine. Truth is that sometimes I do feel okay, but others I just get so incredibly low and feel like I'm never going to get better. 

I truly appreciate the fact that you both took the time to post a message. Reading them gave me a sense that I am not alone, and that is something I really need right now. 

[geoff]

dear Chloe, I am pleased that Neil and Queenie have given you some great advice and I also would like to welcome you on board.

I have great concerns for this ex to come to your house and see you, because his whole attitude towards you would be of self content, as well as showing off to his mates, and this is going to rub you up the wrong way, making matters horribly uncomfortable.

So I would suggest that if he does come for you not to be there, plus I would secure your bedroom door, so that no one can gain entry, as he would dying to get in there and go through all your items. L Geoff. x

[Vera55]

Hello Chloe. Although some of us on this site are longer in years we have all been in similar situations when younger and navigated through the highs and lows as best as we could. 

So from experience- and I wish we had this site when growing up - just the above responses would have been so helpful in clarifying some dilemmas. 

Firstly, the first stressor is being away from home and all things familiar. This is a huge thing although you might not think so. All your supports are there.

secondly, dealing with an narcissistic and toxic personality such as your ex, is not good. Protect yourself dear girl, excuse yourself gently when you know he is coming over etc. you are giving him the goodies such as love and attention, but he wants you yo be different.

its not about trying harder to please others. It's about remaining and learning to be AUTHENTIC to yourself and with others. Who said you have to be an extrovert for his ego. Hello? 

You are navigating some lasting life lessons here and there are no shortcuts to that. Like others above I too think you are on the right track.

loving relationships enhance and support each participant. Anything else is just hard work. Kind regards Vera 

[MaryG]

Hi Chloe and welcome,

you sound so strong and independent and just moving to another country and getting a job and being in control of your life is so fantastic and really says something about you and how much potential you have.

Relationships come and go especially at your age and I don't want to in any way to suggest that this relationship you had was superficial or meaningless. There are so many more fish in the sea and keeping this flame burning for this one guy probably isn't helping you move on. Group houses are great for meeting new people and who cares if he is still around, surely there will be other men you will meet.  Shy and reserved isn't a bad thing. You are you. Don't think you have to change because of one person's comments.

Enjoy your new life here in oz and enjoy your time with your Mum back home. Let her spoil you and make you feel good about yourself, then come back and embrace your  new life.

You are special and unique and valued. Don't forget it.

Mary

[chloe92]

I haven't had such a good day today. Felt like I was going to start crying sitting at my office desk. I'm such a weak person that I reply to his messages about his recent accomplishments, but that he has been feeling bad about himself, how no one likes him and how he's been feeling down lately and doesn't know why. I know that he has dealt with depression before, and so I continue to be supportive and nice and say that these things aren't true. And he tells me not to talk him up. I'm just trying to help, because I know how it feels. All the while I hate myself for being so weak and soft. And all the while I don't even like myself in general. I have hardly any close friends here and I'm not an exciting person, no body likes me and I'm always alone. Despite my accomplishments in life recently, I still feel so empty and unhappy. I hardly even care about finding a job or a house. They can't replace what I have lost. I wish I was strong and didn't form such close attachments to people when all they're going to do is break my heart. 

[Queenie]

Hi again Chloe,  enjoy your time at home - and I am so happy to hear that your mum is a great help to you.  I know how much I love my baby girl so I am sure your mum will be excited to see you and her arms will be aching to hold you!  

It's so draining, isn't it, when you are trying to support someone else who is just a taker, not a giver, and still trying to look after yourself?   Hopefully as time goes by you won't feel like you have to support him anymore. I agree with Vera and Mary in that the relationship was what it was, and you will learn and grow from it.  He really, really doesn't deserve you or your affection.  I love the sound of your wise 17 year old friend - some people see more than we ever will, don't they?  He sounds very wise and trustworthy!

Look after yourself, beautiful girl. Your GP will help you find the advice and support you need.  Try and rid yourself of that young man as soon as you can.  It will hurt,and at times you will feel lonely and frightened, but that will soon pass.  Three weeks down the track I am already starting to feel much better about myself and the new life I have ahead of me.  I know you can do it!