Is it selfish to wish your parents would divorce?

[C74]

My mum is the bravest, most amazing person I know and I admire her to no end. That's why it absolutely kills me to see her so terrified...

I'm a sixteen year old girl, and for as long as I can remember, my dad has always been an abusive man, from the age of 4. Yelling at my mother with the same old misogynist attitude... I can't blame my mother for being terrified of him. She doesn't dare go against his word, or have her own opinion with him around, but I'm the one person who truly knows her. She's a humble woman who's worked hard her whole life for an accounting job in China, but left it and moved to Australia to work an underpaid exhausting job just to give me a better life. She's so brave and selfless, I love her to no end. She doesn't deserve the way my dad treats her and I feel like deep down, she's not in a happy relationship. She sometimes tells me about her earlier life, and she once told me of a time at the beginning of her marriage, where she would actually have a voice of her own. My family on my dad's side told her off so badly for it that she never dared voice her opinion again.

I got prompted to write this post because just recently, my tutor called my parents, telling them my math grades have dropped. (I'm not actually bad at math; my rank has just dropped slightly at my tutor, which is a high-end tutor where you have to pass a test in order to get in. My maths is okay, they have impossibly high standards.) I got yelled at by dad as usual, with threats to hit me which is not surprising, but then he started yelling at my mum for 'not watching over my studies'. I then overheard her excuse; she said she didn't believe in me anymore; ouch. He then forced her to tell me off.

Nevertheless, I know my mother loves me. I was once sick with a temperature of 38.9 degrees and my dad was trying to force me to go to school. Despite being terrified of him, my mother still stuck up for me, telling him to let me stay home. Of course, he yelled at her. That day, I couldn't stop crying in bed out of pure guilt over being, god forbid, sick, since it had led to that whole scenario.

I'm so sorry to say this because I know it's probably selfish to want this, but sometimes I wish they'd split up.

I don't exactly know what I'm asking for on this forum, maybe some advice, maybe just for someone to listen, but please help me... I can barely put into words how desperately I need someone, but I sincerely hope I get at least one reply.

[Quercus]

Hi C74 and welcome to the forum family.

This is a safe place for you to reach out and I'm glad that you have.

To answer your question... Is it selfish? No. Not in the slightest. What you describe is abuse. Abuse doesn't have to include physical violence but also actively refusing someone access to needed medical attention as well as many of the behaviours you're describing.

If your Mum has obeyed your father and his family for so long I wonder would she even be open to speaking to anyone or taking any action?

Have you asked her if she would call one of the many anonymous domestic violence helplines? I do think 1800respect is a good place to start (1800 737 732) but you do need to be aware that if you or Mum are at risk they legally must report it must report it to the police.

Same applies here ok. As a minor expressing that you need help and are experiencing domestic violence you will find that the BB support services will check in with you to make sure you are safe. Because it isn't ok for your Dad to treat you like this.

You mentioned your Dad's family but not Mum's. Does she have any family members who would intervene? Perhaps your Mum would be more open to family support and protection.

Above all... It is not selfish to think of yourself. If your Mum is not able to ask for help that doesn't mean you can't. If you feel threatened or unsafe is staying with another family member possible?

I hope that you keep writing to us. I suspect many people reading are very concerned for your safety too and it can be very hard to know what to say.

But I think it is vital you know we hear you and care.

❤Nat

[geoff]

Hello C74, absolutely, no one should ever have to live like this, and no one should ever have to put up with that sort of treatment, so yes, however, because of your nationality there are a few options for her to contact along with yourself, but remember domestic violence against any women is an offence,

-1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732

-Domestic violence line (24 hours) 1800 65 64 63

-Relationships Australia 1300 364 277

''The Migration Act (1958) says that if the marriage or relationship breaks down because of domestic or family violence, then the victim (the person who is being abused) can apply for permanent residency in Australia'' whether this applies you can let us know.

''Information and a fact sheet about family violence and partner visas is available from the Australian Department of Social Services website.''

''The Australian Department of Home Affairs also has multilingual resources,'' which you can find in the yellow pages.

''Immigration and Rights Centre Tuesday and Thursday, 2pm to 4pm
0292623833 (Sydney) http://www.iarc.asn.au/

Anglicare also in the yellow pages depending on where you live

I am just worried that she maybe in fear of leaving, so please get back to us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi C74, I had replied to you but it hasn't been posted and I haven't been told it's waiting for moderators to check it.

Just quickly the answer is yes, absolutely.

Will wait and see if it's posted.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Hi C74,

We are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with your mum and dad. Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously and we are here to support you as much as you need.

Our Support Services are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

If you or your mum are in immediate danger, please call 000.

We would have to agree with Nat and Geoff that a helpline such as 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) may be very helpful if you or your mum are not in immediate danger but would like to reach out for support.

When you are up to it we would love for you to check in with us about how you are doing.
 

[C74]

Dear Nat, Geoff & Sophie

Thank you all so, so much for your time taken to reply to me! I appreciate it beyond what my words could possibly express.

Nat: All this time, I actually never knew that all this classified as domestic abuse. I really appreciate all the thought you've put into advising me with this, and all those solutions are wonderful, however my mum's not willing to accept help. I think she's already accepted that this is how she's going to live her life. One time I actually did try and reach out about something (my primary school teacher was incredibly worried about me being overworked in my academics) I actually got in loads of trouble with both parents. They'd rather not get anyone involved, and whenever I ask my mum why she doesn't talk to her parents about it, she says that she doesn't want them to worry. I have no means of communicating to any of my family on my mum's side as they all live in a different country. She's been suffering for ages too; back when I hadn't even started primary school, my parents would fight so much that I'd have to move out for weeks at a time until the police eventually intervened & mum realised the best thing to do was to stay silent. My situation honestly seems quite hopeless, but vital thing is, I do not believe I am in any immediate danger and my mother's doing a good job of dealing with all this. Again, thank you so much for your reply!

Geoff: Thank you so, so much for providing me with all those numbers to contact! To be honest, I'm not sure if she's scared to leave or if she truly loves my dad and is completely willing to put up with all this (seems unbelievable, but it's possible. with my mum, it's hard to tell.) The migration policy doesn't quite apply as I'm already a permanent resident in Australia, however I thank you so much for all the research you've done for me!

Sophie: Thank you and the Support Services so much from the bottom of my heart. I've received the email, however I do not believe I'm in any immediate harm. My father typically calms down after a rampage, but I honestly get so hurt to see him yelling at my mother over nothing. She's done nothing to deserve this, trust me. She's been yelled at for unintentional things such as closing a door too hard or putting something down too loudly, and at this point, it's ridiculous. My dad always takes his bad mood out on her, and she has a rougher time than she does. Again, thank you so much for your concern!

I appreciate all of you deeply! 🙂

C74

[Quercus]

Hi C74,

Thank you for replying and letting us know you're not at risk of harm currently.

I feel really sad to hear that your Mum is closed off to asking for help. The reality is she is the adult and you need her to protect you. You're very understanding and compassionate to be able to consider why she won't leave or ask for help.

Have you read any more of the 1800respect website? There is a section about apps which might be a good idea to look at. There is one called Daisy which can connect you with supports within your state. And others which you can use in an emergency to ask for help.

https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-apps-for-mobile-phones/

I'll remind you till I'm blue in the face... What you described is abuse. And like Geoff said it is illegal. So even if your Mum cannot leave or report it that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. Legally he has no right to treat you like this.

If Mum's family aren't contactable who else can you ask? Do you have close friends who you might feel able to confide in (and their parents)? Or an adult at your school? School psychologist? Nurse? You do need someone you can go to in an emergency.

It might help to have some pressure from your school. You mentioned your parents were angry when the police were involved and that was for good reason... How your Dad treats you and Mum is not remotely acceptable.

Do you think it would help if your Dad knew someone was keeping an eye out and willing to report again. Or do you think this would set him off?

We are still really worried about you. I think you're very strong but it is alright if you need to talk and vent ok. We are listening to you.

❤ Nat

[therising]

Hi C74

I see everyone here has great advice and guidance for you. I agree 100%, such abuse is unacceptable, incredibly stressful for you and your mum and definitely no good for body, mind and spirit. You both sound like such thoughtful beautiful people, deserving of only the best in life.

I can imagine your mum's self-esteem is not terribly high, given all the criticism she has received over time. Helping her work on her self-esteem might make some difference. I personally gained great insight from a incredible book I recently read called 'The six pillars of self-esteem'. It helped change my perception of myself, giving me greater strength. Changing our perception can often go toward changing our thoughts and actions. It can alter the path we choose to take.

It's in no way selfish for you to want your parents to split up, as you are wishing for the best for your mum (as well as yourself). You really are a beautiful person C74. Your mum is blessed to have you as an incredible gift in her life.

Take care of yourself, stay in touch and don't forget all the resources everyone has mentioned. Accessing these resources is a sign of compassion and maturity, not betrayal (as your father would have you think).

[therising]

Hi C74

Forgot to mention how we all have the ability to influence another, through either fear or love. Some people will influence through fear (with verbal abuse and the threat of physical violence). Some people will influence through love (compassion, positive guidance and inspiration). The comment you overheard your mother make to your father about not believing in you anymore, I hope you understand how she may have been managing your father in that moment, based on her love for you. I imagine she told him what he wanted to hear so he would stop abusing you. This does not excuse her words but I hope it may help in explaining them, if this was the case. Fear often leads us to act out of character.

To manage someone through fear is simple and requires no skill at all. To manage through love is a skillful and thoughtful undertaking where all concerned evolve together. It may pay to ask your mum to be mindful of this and influence and guide you through love only, as the fear associated with reprimand is damaging. Being a mum myself, I understand this request may challenge her greatly but perhaps it may finally help instigate the change you and your mum need. Consciousness is often the key to change.

Take care of yourself

[C74]

Hello Nat & therising


Thank you guys so much for your replies! You've both honestly been some of the kindest people to me ever and I appreciate you so much.


I decided to forgive my father for his abuse (he never apologised or anything, I just decided to let it slide) and all holidays, I've been working hard on my schoolwork & studying ahead so that I'd be ready for the next term whilst also giving my dad less of a reason to get annoyed at me or my mother. Bad idea.


Somehow, me working hard ALSO managed to piss him off. He confiscated my phone and headphones because he “had no proof I was actually doing work” and therefore instantly chose not to believe me despite the fact that I am… I believe this is due to his bad mood… He’s a true sadist. His bad mood improves when he sees others getting hurt, even when “others” may be me or my mother…


I don’t mind having my things confiscated too much. Sure it’s annoying, but I really don’t care. The thing that bothers me are what he says to me: ‘I should hurry up and die as early as I can, I’m never going to get a job in the future (I have actually had a casual job in the past which I quit with his permission so that I can focus on school), I’m mentally ill, I’m stupid, I’m worthless & unloved.’ I know this might be ridiculous, but after hearing those phrases repeated to me so many times over these years, I can’t help but start to believe them…


What bothers me is when he yells at my mother, she then proceeds to bad-mouth me further which makes my dad calmer at her, but angrier at me. She’s not actually defending me… I’m being thrown under the bus so that she can avoid his anger altogether. I would throw myself under the bus to avoid HER getting tangled up in the mess, but it hurts me to see that she’d throw ME under… sometimes, I can't help but resent how helpless she is.


I am now fully aware that what my dad does to us is legally abusive. Even my friends are now telling me to report him, but I can’t… I don’t know what to do, it’d tear my whole family apart. They’d all resent me (most of my family on my father’s side are quite like my father) & if it doesn’t go well, my dad would abuse me more. I truly despise my father for taking my life apart like this…