Introducing myself

[Jack184]

Hi,

My name's Jack, and I'm in year 9 at high school. I've felt kind of down for most of my life - possibly dysthymia, I'm not sure - but the past few months it just feels like I've spiralled down into depression. I have my ups and downs, certainly. It confuses me that sometimes I feel okay, and other times I feel like I'm drowning, going from what I think is just numbness to depression in what can sometimes be a few seconds. I almost feel like I'm just being melodramatic and not really depressed, but I just don't know.

I feel pretty lonely, like there's no one who gets me. I've got friends, but my social life can be pretty chaotic, with a lot of arguments and stuff. Sometimes I wonder if they're really friends. There's one person I know from school who's had a rough time with life and her family. We talk online a lot, and it's nice to know there's someone I can talk to, but I thought I'd try posting here. I'm introverted, I have no social skills, and I feel so completely different to everyone else that there's no one who will ever 'get me'. People just try to annoy me because they know I will take it seriously, I will react, and that's what they get their kicks out of.

Some of the stuff we've covered in school recently has been pretty heavy, like the current refugee crisis, the Nazi holocaust, etc. It's gotten to me a lot, and I feel like I'm just fed up with all the wars, fighting and suffering of humanity.

I'm kind of starting to hate myself. All I do is annoy people by blurting out things I always seem to regret. Also, I have the whole first world guilt thing I mentioned. I might have the very beginnings of anorexia as well, which is sort of worrying, I guess, but I'm a bit messed up.

I'm pretty worried about my friend, I guess. She thinks she has bipolar disorder after having to deal with her dad being a violent drug addict, which kind of throws everything I'm worried about into perspective, but I fold like a deck of cards when you put me under pressure. She's not exactly suicidal, but that could change quickly. Although sometimes I don't want to keep living my life too, so I get it, really.

I know I should probably see someone, but I really feel like I don't want to. I'm not sure I could even feel better, I'm terrified of telling my parents, I don't want medication, and there's some part of me that just wants to be depressed for some reason. I just wanted to tell my story to someone. Sorry for the rambling on a bit.

Jack

[blondguy]

Hi Jack and Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

You are a caring and sensitive person like myself and I used to 'think' and 'worry' about just about everything as well. I do understand where you are coming from. You haven't rambled at all, you have shown great strength and courage to have reached out and post. There are many very kind people on the forums that can be here for you.

Year 9 can also be a difficult period to go through....you have peer group issues...the requirements to achieve and get good results as well as all the various hormones racing around in your system at this age too.

You are also worried about your friend too. I dont blame you as her dad is a violent substance abuser as well. She would be in a dark place right now. Have you thought about if you did just start off seeing a GP or a school counsellor that you would benefit and actually be in better shape to help your friend? She sounds like she believes in you and yes that would require you to be in a good mindset to help her. It can be done Jack

It is good that you have someone on line that you can talk too....always a bonus. I dont see you as lacking any skillset Jack. I do see someone that will benefit by having a chat to a school counsellor/teacher...GP?

When I was in year 10 I had to see my school counsellor and was really nervous about it as I was super shy at school. But...after seeing her I felt really good and they arent allowed to talk to anyone about your situation either which made me feel better too!

You are a kind and STRONG person Jack..You are also have excellent communication skills. Please please try to see the school counsellor or even a teacher you like...teachers can be a great help to you if you let them.

You are very welcome to write back as many times as you wish Jack...Please have see someone at school. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so 🙂

Here for You

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Jack184]

Thank you for the response. I do appreciate it. Right now, I'm really not sure what I'll do, but thank you for the advice, and I will think about it all.

[blondguy]

Hi Jack

Thanks for getting back...I hope you get some more responses from some younger people too 🙂

Here for you Jack..whenever you are comfortable posting you are more than welcome to

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi Jack,

I like stories, thank you for starting us off with yours.

I'm wondering, what is on the list of little things that you enjoy?

One of mine is complaining, for me it is a cultural right to have a good complain. That can include about all the negative stuff that they teach in school, or happy people in the morning.

Eating good food and exercising (whilst giving me something to complain about) is good for my mood in the longer term. Sometimes I need to make myself do it though.

I get what you say about dysthymia, I would have noticed it around year 9. It turns out that it is a bit like the weather for me, it does pass. Sometimes I can feel it building and need to do all those little things I enjoy because it makes it easier. Sometimes I need to seek help and own up to what is happening at least with the GP.

I can see why you might be worried about your friend, she has a lot to deal with given her dad, and we all react to stress and when it is constant it is hard to handle. Getting help, helps, really it does. Friends are one of the best things though too.

So anyway, welcome to Beyond Blue, and I look forward to more of your story or even a jolly good complain if that is what you need.

Rob.

[ahw309]

Hi Jack,

Wow, I can completely relate to everything you have said! The confusion with my changing moods, the constant regret, introversion and lack of social skills, the whole guilt and frustration with the suffering in the world... I understand how it feels! I also have a friend who I get particularly worried about, I still haven't properly told my parents about how I feel, and sometimes I do feel like there is some part of me that actually wants to be depressed (which sometimes angers and sickens me!) because as long as I am, there is a strange sense of comfort and certainty.

You seem very strong and have such a great capacity for empathy and care. You say you have no social skills but your post is communicated very well! I know it often feels really hard to see someone but it can be so, so helpful and you can feel so much better! You have posted and reached out on the forum, which is great! But I agree with Paul that seeing the school counsellor or even just a teacher you trust can be really beneficial. When I was in a particularly bad place I spoke to one of my teachers, and just talking to her a few times helped me so much, and gave me the courage to take further steps in getting the help I need!

I hope something I've said has helped in some way. As both Paul and Rob have said, you are always welcome to post here!

Take care 🙂

[Jack184]

Thanks so much for the responses, everyone. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling all this stuff. I really get what you mean when you talk about wanting to be depressed. It's so comforting to be able to stop fighting everything, curl in a ball and cry, sometimes. I'm still working up the nerve to see someone about it all, but hopefully this will add to my motivation and I'll get there... one day.

Thanks again, everyone 🙂

Jack

[blondguy]

Hello Jack

Thanks for posting. I just read how you felt earlier today. It is awful to be confused and unsure. I was very much the same in school too.. I am happy that you are still posting because we are here for you. Have you had any more thought about seeing your school counsellor or teacher at all?

Have a good day Jack

Paul

[White_Rose]

Dear Jack and ahw309

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for trusting us with your stories. You are certainly not having much fun at the moment.

I want to pick up on your comments about wanting to feel depressed and miserable. This is quite normal. We worry about what's happening to us, feel rather scared to tell anyone in case someone thinks we are silly, and have no idea what form the help will take when we ask. So we bunker down in our own little pig-styes and hope the world, or at least our problems, will just fade away.

To some extent this may happen. It all depends on what is actually happening inside us. In the meantime we sit, as I said, in our pig-styes and feel comfortable because this is our very own sty and we are familiar with every corner of it. To think we may have to get out of it and find a new sty, or clean out our own sty, where everything will be unfamiliar is not a happy thought. I hope that is not too convoluted a sentence.

It really is hard to go for help. It has been suggested you talk to your school counsellor and this is a great idea. I do think you need to chat to your GP and to go with one of your parents. Jack, I know you have not told your parents how you feel, but talking to them is one way to start to clean your pigsty. I suggest you start with whichever parent you feel is easier to speak to. And to make it even easier, why not print out your original post, or any other part of this thread and ask them to read it before you start chatting.

You have written in here, so keep up the momentum and take the next step. We are here waiting to read your next post.

Mary

[Marcsa]

Hi Jack184,

I saw another thread on a different thread. I just wanted to say that Year 9 is a tricky time for many people. People are starting to find out their own identities, choosing subjects at school they like for their futures, starting to maybe have feelings for the other sex. It's a difficult time.

I agree with others' suggestions. A school counsellor could be a good start.