Insomnia and a lot on my mind

[architecture_student]

Hello,

I am battling with insomnia, I am a 24yr old architecture student in 5h year. I am strongly perfectionist and have a long history of anxiety (and insomnia) due to being gay (out and mentally resolved)... I have lost a loved one very recently and there are many other heavy memories that dont let me relax. Why can't I let myself sleep? Why do I do it and how can I stop it? 

I recently had to visit my grandma with my dad overseas, before my uni semester, due to her aggressive stomach carcinoma which has resulted in her passing away during our stay.......I am in high fear of flying, dead-scared of dying in a fiery ball so I tend to shake from anxiety even when the plane cruises fine. Did that during most of the 21 hour flight (x2).....my dad has been diagnosed with deep vein trombosis on arrival and been admitted to hospital for 17 days out of the 21 day stay (neither I nor he was there when his mother died, neither was I with my dad-which fills me with guilt)........a family argument has taken place immediately before my grandma's death for inheritance where I was the figure for mediation due to my dad's condition between my distant and my close relatives, which made me feel overwhelmed and furious........Here, I am consciously afraid of graduation and getting a job as I am afraid of failing, being ridiculed for failing and that anxiety will not make it a long career........I have been cut from student benefits and got little money to survive from as I have extended my degree by an extra year to finish off subjects that fell victim to my anxiety. I work casually which is not even enough for my rent; job seeking benefits mean I need to search jobs, which I greatly been avoiding........I feel weak, out of energy but I am more scared of insomnia than anything else and these thoughts rotate in my head like a carousel before I try to sleep. I am aware that all these happening over a 3 week period is a lot, but I feel that feeling anxious/depressed is luxurious these days as life can (and will) bury me underground too before it's time.

I just want to know the reason why I wake myself up with a dose of spasms and negative thoughts at the point of falling asleep. Why am I attacking myself exactly then? I almost feel scared of relaxing and letting it all just go off my mind. It might be a very complex reason that I might never find out the real answer to...

Greg

[Narniakid]

Hey Greg, welcome to the forums and thank you for posting.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through in the last few weeks - that's enough to keep anyone awake at night. And I can totally understand the stress of a casual job, I'm stuck with one too.

Have you tried writing all your thoughts down on paper? Almost every night I write things I need to do, ideas I have, anything keeping me anxious - I routinely get everything out of my head and onto paper, which I can then take to my psychologist or my doctor, as quite often I forget what I wanted to tell them when I get into a session. Try writing in a notebook for a week, and see if it makes any difference.

I also suggest trying herbal sleeping tablets; they're not too expensive and you can get them at most supermarkets, and I've found they're really helpful on those long nights. 

The other option is to seek professional help starting with a visit to your local GP. Insomnia can be caused by many different things, so a doctor may be able to narrow down the root of your problem. 

I know many schools and universities offer councelling and wellbeing services to students - definately look into that as it would mostly likely be included in your uni fees.

Crystal

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Greg,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to us.

I think Crystal has given some great advice and I just want to echo on this to let you know that you're not alone and you've come to the right place.

It sounds like your main concern is your insomnia saying that you wake yourself up with spasms and negative thoughts. Insomnia is incredibly difficult to deal with, but it sounds like your body is not able to 'shut off' because you've been dealing and managing with so much while you're awake; with having lost somebody close to you, the student payments, and the pressure from uni as well as being afraid of graduation.  

Our bodies really are so closely linked with our minds that chances are your insomnia comes from a lot of the stress that you're going through.

One thing that I would recommend is trying to get to the bottom of what's bothering you; often Universities have a student counsellor or support service that you can talk to.  Even just grabbing some info might be useful.  Student counsellors at the Uni will often see people worried about graduation and fear of failing, so it's really not uncommon.  Plus they are often free - which is a win.

Do you have anyone else that you can talk to and reach out about what's going on?  It might even be worth seeing why your payments were cut from Centrelink as the financial help will help ease the pressure from Uni.

Also, try to make sure that you're taking care of yourself; losing someone close to you is always hard and it sounds like it's been terrible timing.  Little things like eating well, exercising, spending time with friends can help.  With insomnia, it's also worth keeping a diary or writing down when you wake up, how long you're awake and when you go back to sleep.  As someone whose struggled with Insomnia the worst thing you can do is lay there if you can't sleep; find calming activities to do that allow your brain to rest (and recover).

Hope this helps!  Feel free to let us know how you get on.