Insecurities

[monkeymia]

Hey everyone,

I have always been very insecure of my appearance, to the point where I often think that I am too ugly to ever be in a relationship or loved by someone. I have quite pale skin and lots of moles/freckles, which make me feel really ugly. I try to be positive and remind myself that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but it's so difficult when all my friends are so stunning and get lots of attention from boys. I've never really been in a relationship, which I think makes it worse because it makes me think that I really am too unattractive for anyone to fancy. I know it sounds silly, but I just don't know how to cope with this, and it makes me really upset. I know not everyone looks the same, but when I look around everyone else I see is beautiful in their own way, and when I look at myself I just feel so ugly. Often wearing makeup/ tanning etc can make me feel pretty for a while, but I always have this crippling self hatred because I know that beneath it all I am so unattractive. It makes me feel worthless and alone, especially when I compare myself to the people around me.

Has anyone else felt like this?

[MsPurple]

hi monkeymia and welcome to the forums 🙂

I know how you feel in terms of insecurity. I think a lot of people feel the way you do, however not many people talk about it. When I go out I tend to compare myself to everyone else out and I felt like no one would notice me in a crowd. It took me a long time to stop comparing myself to others (and it is still a daily thing I have to work on as I sometimes revert back). One thing I have noticed is when I avoid comparing myself to others I feel more pretty and accomplished in myself. I stand taller when I don't compare myself to others but only look at myself as a whole. It is something that takes time.

One thing I found that helped was talking about my insecurities to someone. I found talking about it to a therapist was the most beneficial because they can teach you how to shift your thinking and they won't think you are 'attention seeking' (which some of your friends may think if you talk about it with them over and over).

I also found meditation helped. I use an app called 'Calm'. I only use the free section. They have a section on 'love and kindness' and it is aimed at having these feelings towards yourself and how to be kind to yourself. I have an inner dialogue which can be very cruel towards myself. Trying to have kinder inner dialogue towards yourself can be half the battle.

I will admit I still feel like you do at times. Some days I will see the beauty in myself and other times I will just feel self hatered. But a lot of the time it is about my anxiety and fear of the future that brings this out. I worry about finding a sole mate and my future e.g. career, kids etc. Once I tackle these it helps with myself love. Unfortunately feeling ok with oneself can be more complicated than just liking your appearance, so it is important to work though all the factors, in which I suggest talking to someone about. Now that I am getting support from a therapist I can work on it properly

Hopefully this has given you some insight. I hope you can feel beautiful in yourself soon.

[HamSolo01]

hi there monkeymia

welcome to forums 🙂

can i just say that this line made me chuckle a bit, because i feel exactly the same way:

"I have always been very insecure of my appearance, to the point where I
often think that I am too ugly to ever be in a relationship or loved by
someone. I have quite pale skin and lots of moles/freckles, which make
me feel really ugly."

This is also quite telling: "I try to be positive and remind myself that everyone is beautiful in
their own way, but it's so difficult when all my friends are so stunning
and get lots of attention from boys."

As a guy I can tell you that most of us will do this. We have a tendency to go for the good looking girls because we are wired in such a way. But in my limited dating experience, this does not make for good compatibility. I honestly think social media can be blamed for this. I quit it long ago.

wow.. I'm finding all of what you said completely relatable lol

"I've never really been in a relationship, which I think makes it worse
because it makes me think that I really am too unattractive for anyone
to fancy."

I havne't either. Mspurple can talk to you from the perspective of a female, but as a guy i personally think compatibility and personality are equally (if not more) important than looks.

I know that probably sounds like I am mouthing a platitude but in my experience it is definitely important.

As for your self esteem, this is something I struggle with and I don't believe it is unique to girls. Guys can struggle with it, but in their own way. I have for about 10 years. I kinda laugh at it a bit now.

All I can say is that you basically have to just accept who you are and what you look like. Put in a little bit of effort and I imagine you would look just a stunning as the rest of your friends do. It's what's on the inside that counts more than anything else. Character precedes outer beauty. Plus, I doubt you look as bad as what you are saying because you are comparing yourself to your friends and that is the best way to demolish your own self esteem. Seldom do we compare ourselves to those who we know we are better than (because it's not good to do that as it an lead to arrogance) but this does not mean we compare ourselves to people better than us. The lesson is not to compare in the very first place.

I'll be honest too, I find a girl who is confident in herself regardless of what she looks like can be far more attractive than what is 'conventionally attractive'.

Take care 🙂