Im struggling

[Elizabeth567]

I dont know if anyone can understand but thought posting on here may help.

i am 22 years old and am having issues with my family. My mum was an alcoholic 2 years ago and i struggled through that at home but always put on a brave face and continued on with my life and offered my mum support. She is good now and i have been living away from home to study at university for the past year. First time away from home. I came home to mum and dad  week and my dad has been awful. He has yelled at me my whole life and is a very negative person. He never says anything positive and despite me being 22 he influences a lot of the decisions i make in my life. I am an only child so have no brothers and sisters that experience the same and my boyfriend dosnt understand. I dont want to tell my mum how i feel because i dont want her to relapse. I have been home for a week and had a couple of family arguments ending up with dad ignoring me for days. I have done nothing wrong. I am successful at sport, academics and have a good casual job yet he growls at me fkr the smallest things. He said ever since ive been home i have changed the family dynamic and caused the arguments , that hurts me and makes me feel so upset. My dads negativity and yelling is impacting my confidence, my self esteem and making me unhappy i feel like a failure. Im jealous of all my friends who get to have a happy family. I feel trapped. My dad wont let me stay and my boyfriends house and he says that when i run away tonsee him i make everything worse. So i dont know what to do, he will never say sorry or understand and i have noone else that i can truley talk to.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Elizabeth

I'm sorry you are going through all this... truly. For me I just want my dad to be proud of me, for who I am, I am not sure why though, it is just something inside of us I think. Is that the same for you?

I am also so sorry, that your dad yells at you, and that you have lived with this all your life. Truly makes me want to cry. You do sound like such a nice person. And I can see by your words, that you love your mum heaps.

I long to give you some advice or something, but all I seem to be able to give is hugs to people, because I truly care, and I can't stand the thought of people, including you.... being hurt. Because I hurt right along side of you. So you are not alone Elizabeth. Because I am right there beside you giving you a hug.

With love xxx

Shelley

[Zeal]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm also 22, and I am studying at uni as well. It's great you still play sport - I gave up sport when I was about 17!

I'm sorry to hear about the hardships and pressure you've faced at home. You can be proud of yourself that you stuck by your Mum through her rough time. It sounds as though your Dad is being really unfair to you, and isn't treating you how you deserve to be. You have done well to be living away from home while studying. I respect people who are able to do that. I know that in our twenties we are certainly adults and can live our own lives, but being apart from family and what's familiar can still be a challenge. I still live at home, and plan to for the next year or two.

It sounds as though being around your Dad is seriously affecting your psychological wellbeing. How much longer are you staying with your parents for? If you feel events or experiences from your childhood still weigh on your mind, perhaps talking to someone may help. You could see a counsellor or psychologist for a few sessions, and see if this communication helps. You can also talk to us here on the forum.

I hope you get replies from people who have had similar experiences to you. I'm sorry I haven't got any specific advice.

Best wishes,

SM

[Universal_Altruism]

You  are 22 years of age,you have supported your mum .  You study at university, First time away from home, you have a boyfriend,What an amazing stong young woman you are ! And another indication of your strength is  that  you are seeking advise from your online family at beyond blue.

Ok, so from the description you have provided of your father's feelings towards you ,it appears that he may be also suffering and trying to manage his own personal issues, of which he may not be open to discuss with you.
 He is your father, and as you have pointed out he is a big part of your life ! Decisions.
Your father like all of us is not immune to the social conditioning of life's demands that we bestow on ourselves.
It however does not help either you, your father including mother if he is giving his minds attention to anger and becoming frustrated with you when you come home from university.
So what happens, you put up with him, getting more and more indifferent to each other, more and more isolated, more and more depressed, and all the misery of living with a man or a woman who doesn't really understand the effect that it is having on you,  i understand that you  dont want to tell your mum how you feel because you fear that she may relapse. Fearing a thought ! It's a thought which you have created,your mother is probably stronger than you think.
All families have arguments , if you can see the interaction with your dad escalating anytime into a argument then you have the power to avoid it. With your dad ignoring you for days, you may have to be the worlds greatest daughter and remember he does love you, but like a lot of people they need to be reminded with a hug and some thanks, that you love them, and you have already proven that you are strong enough to initiate the process .
You are not a failure, no one is a failure,people just don't  get the result they wanted!  You feel trapped because you're  dad wont let you stay at your boyfriends house ? you are 22 years of age you should'nt have to run away from home , mabey if you were financially dependent you could move , then you wouldn't have to run away from your father's house.

Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.
We are all in it together xo 

 

[geoff]

dear Elizabeth, I can't even begin to know what you have had to struggle with for most of your life.

Your 22 years old and you are certainly entitled to live with your b/friend, irrespective of what your dad tells you, your an adult and he has no adjudication on what you want to do, sure he has his opinion, but no control over you.

It must have been difficult with your mum being an alcoholic, but when someone turns to the bottle, it's because of some reason, and from what you have told us it could have been because of your dad and what he was doing to both you and your mum.

If he has always been negative then perhaps he has been suffering in some way himself, which he would deny, and refuse to get any help.

Your mum would obviously know what he is saying to you, but would be too scared to argue it out with him, so this maybe the reason for her to start drinking.

You have achieved a great deal, but your dad is trying to hold you back, destroy your confidence and self esteem, so if you stay at home things will only get worse, but this doesn't mean that you can't keep in contact with your mum, so your best option is to stay away from your dad, because any achievement you make, he will not congratulate you, and will pick the eyes out of it, just so he can pull you down.

Enjoy the success that you have now begun. Geoff. x