Im almost at the end of the line with fighting with my Depression & Aniexty

[Shauno]

I do not want to make this song like I'm a attention seeker. I only want to tell you my story of my life.

It all basically started when my parents started fighting. Of course, when this started happening I was young for my age. I used to have to watch my parents argue in my face. Nothing I could do would stop them. So for the majority of the nights, they would fight just over the littlest things. 

Me and my Nan used to be really close. She would give me the support my parent's wouldn't give because they would either be fighting or working. So from about around 10, I had to care for myself. But Nan used to provide me the food when I was at her house. She knew about my Depression and Anxiety - she was even helping me. I used to sleep over her house because she was the only one who actually cared about me.

She used to smoke a lot, and It wasn't until 2010 It hit her hard. She went into hospital and that's when I knew things would get worse. She was in there for a few weeks and then she went home. A few days after, I asked dad if we could go to her house. So he took me over, I walked in and there she was dead. The picture of her death haunts me even today. I still have nightmares. But I couldn't get it in my head, the only person who cared died? Anyways, my parents never supported be during my nans death. They worried about Dad, not me of course!

So, me, well I was just on my own. School started to get worse. I started get bullied through year 6-9. It still does today. In year 8, my English teacher was close to me. She knew about everything. But guess what. She passed away as well. Life just couldn't get any worse.

A few weeks before, I started dating a nice young girl. She was pretty and everything. But only until I found out a few months that she was using me. Of course! Wasn't a surprise. I'm a worthless person. So I gave up and started self harming. But that was a fail, the school counselor told mum and mum got angry at me. So I gave up and thought let's give up on life. I just want this pain to end really.

The tablets the doctor gave me doesn't do crap. The counselor doesn't understand my feelings. When is this pain going to end?

I feel like I am a worthless person who is unloved and lonely in life. I don't talk to many people and I'm not the same as I used to be. Thanks for listening to my story and please help me.

[Meera]

Hi Shaunyy,

You've had a tough start in life and it is no surprise that you experience depression and anxiety. I cannot fix your problems but I can let you know that you are not alone.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression for the majority of my life most likely caused from my parents fighting as well as other factors in my life.

I too believed and at some times still believe I am a worthless person but every day I try and prove that wrong. Shaunyy you can be a person who makes a difference in someone's life whether it is someone else's life or your own. Even though your Nan is no longer in your life use her as your inspiration to be someone that she would be proud of.

[Shauno]

Hi Meera,

I'm so sorry to hear that your parents had been fighting. It's not a nice thing to experience when you're so young in life. Parents should not let there kids experience such a thing as you said It can impact them in the future. I'm glad you're trying to help those negatives thoughts of yours.

Yes my nan will be looking down at me proud that I've moved on in life. Yes, I use her as a inspiration as I do with my English Teacher. I hope we get to know each other well.

[white knight]

Hi Shaunyy,  Thanks for writing in and welcome to BB forums. I hope my words can sooth you somewhat.

Your story was so well written and although sad in so many ways it kept me interested.

Your feelings of being worthless, grew out of everyone you ever really loved being taken from you is understandable. You are not abnormal, just darn unlucky. Not to mention your parents in a toxic marriage and you being sort of abandoned emotionally. If only you could see yourself in 10 or 20 years time. Why do I say that?

All of us here are sufferers of mental illness that have indeed survived. Furthermore we have become well enough to return the effort of advising others like yourself, that some gave to us.I'm 58 and up till 2 years ago I was not healthy enough to advise anyone. Yet here I am with seemingly a wealth of knowledge on enduring 4 types of mental illnesses and life itself to advise you. So in time you will see things differently and above all else- you will be more positive about your life and the direction you are taking.

Of course you have to rise above the issues you have in your life at the moment. You have to take control. Face your demons and conquer them, do some planniing in the short, medium and long term and seek out the correct medical advice including counselling and medication. All these things should be included to move forward as a package. It sounds daunting but let me say Shaunyy....once you achieve this, at one point, you will feel like the king of the world.

Planning.  Short term- being persistent in attending your GP to discuss all of your health issues including self harm. Attending counselling/psychologist appointments. Stopping self harm and injecting positivity. Positivity can cost nil. When I am down I read quotes on the www by Delai Lama, Maharaji and other famous people or google quotes about positivity. Medium term- Achieving school challenges or work aspects. Family stability which could include moving house maybe with other people your own age. Securing friendships that are meaningful. Long term- Career goals met, Relationships crystalised, hobbies found, having family issues in proper perspective.

Perspective- getting issues in your life in perspective is so important. We cant control every aspect of our lives eg in your case- your parents toxicity. It really is their problem not yours.

Live for that day you will succeed. And celebrate every step of it. You are not worthless, you have just had a poor start.  Good luck

[Shauno]

Hi White night, thank you taking the time to reply on my thread I created.

Firstly, I'm surprised my story made you interested. You have actually shed some light on the path I need to take. Yeah, parents fighting is something you can't control. These feelings are something that for someone my age shouldn't experience & also experience a death at my age when I was young.

On to the part about seeing someone, I've booked to see someone on Tuesday thanks to you. Once again, cheers for the reply and I woke we can talk some time.

Shaun.