I want to have a break from having contact with my dad

[Liza_O12]

Hey everyone,

For around 3-4 years, I have had to put up with my Dad not being able to get over him and my mums divorce. He's been an alcoholic since long before they split and it has caused our relationship to be very on and off. I've been through so many stages of living with him half the time but then he'll start drinking again so I tell him that I'll come back when he sorts things out. Then we start to get back on a good path but he starts drinking again. For the past 3 years, I've always kept good contact with him, even when I wasn't living with him. However, recently he did something again and it feels like it was the last straw. I don't want to talk to him, and I haven't for the past 3 weeks but Father's Day is coming up and he wants my sister and I to go and do something with him however I really don't want to and it makes me anxious just thinking about it.

So I need some advice... Is it rude to not go and do something with my dad on Father's Day or is it ok to be kind of selfish in this situation? I have forgiven my dad and tried to help him with his problems countless times but he never does anything to help himself and get back on the right track. I feel like I'm the adult in our relationship and I'm only 15 years old. I'm sick of him always making me feel awful but I feel guilty for not going because he pays for things like my phone and my braces.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense but if you can understand what I'm saying, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Liza

[MsPurple]

HI Liza and welcome to the forums

Sorry I am not experienced personally with having an alcoholic parent, but as a child of divorse and struggling with some dad relationship issues I do understand. Long story short. My dad was with a woman (step mum) that didn't like me, and I felt like dad just let her be mean to me without defending me. This affected our relationship for years, but I forgive him because he was trying to hold two families together.

I like yourself lived with my mum full time apparent from every weekend every now and again when I was 14. I didn't really want to see him more than that because I had a feeling of rejection. He choose them (in your case alcohol) instead of me. It is hard to deal with. Now my situation was completely different to yours but I am trying to say I understand that family dynamics are not nuclear anymore and can be strained.

I tried to see dad on fathers day when possible, however sometimes I may not have wanted to. I can't say I know the answer to whether you should see your dad on fathers day or not. But when I had questions like this I was able to talk to my mum about it. Would you feel comfortable talking to your mum about this?

Would it be possible to write your dad a letter letting him know how the alcohol had put a strain on your relationship? Maybe you could try and word it from the perspective of the concnerned daughter who cares for his health (mental and physical), and you want a relationship with him, but you can't with the alcohol. I am not saying you have to do this but maybe something to consider. If comfortable maybe you could ask your mum to read through it.

I'm sorry my suggestions are probably not the best. I just wanted to reply to let you know you have support here. Also if you want to chat to a professional online (e.g. chat line) eheadspace could be a good place to go to. We are just peer based her so just regular focks like yourself

Hope this was helpful MsP

[geoff]

Hello Liza, I'm not an alcoholic, but last year neither of my 2 sons came to see me, they lived too far away but rang me and always do each Fathers Day.

To me, Fathers Day is just another day so it's meaning doesn't signify much at all, you say Happy Fathers Day and then get on with whatever you want to do.

A phone call to your dad will be just as good as seeing him and remember if you do decide to go and see him, he's likely to celebrate by drinking, something you and your sister don't want to happen.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Liza

First, I want to reassure you that the guilt thing just means you are a thoughtful person. Myself, I like to see guilt as a positive thing. I like to imagine it as a 'signpost', forcing me to stop and ask 'Who do I want to be, from this moment onward?' Do I want to be the person who takes a new path (one of reformation that may upset a few people) or do I want to be someone who continues down a path of doing the same thing. We are not meant to stand still when facing guilt, it's there to prompt us to move forward in a positive direction.

I can't tell you which path to take Liza, all I can do is shed a little light to some degree when it come to what the 2 paths look like:

• The path you are most familiar with is the one that entails you taking part of the responsibility for your father's drinking. It is one where you often wait for him to recover before you can move ahead together. It is a path that requires great patience from you and one that asks that you sacrifice certain elements of yourself, such as a sense of peace.
• The other is a path that gives you a sense of peace. It is one where you have given your father full responsibility for his actions, addiction and consequences.

By the way, the phone and braces thing is part of your dad's responsibility when it comes to being a parent. As a mum, I don't expect my kids to owe me anything (other than a considerate thank you) for the material things I give them. The core of our relationship involves the non-material stuff.

When it comes to the father's day visit, you can always see this as an opportunity to make a statement. What better day than this to say 'I want you to decide what being my father means to you. Today is the day where I want you to take full responsibility for the drinking and no longer incorporate it into my life. Today I want you to begin making plans to seek help, in order to save this relationship.' Something like that. Keep in mind, if your dad feels guilt, that's a good thing (he is being asked to choose a path). As MsPurple mentioned, perhaps you could write him a letter, if that would be easier. Deciding whether to see your dad on father's day may simply involve showing up in support of your sister, if she's the one who really wants to go. Focus on your sister instead of your dad, if that helps. Remember, when it all comes down to it, you are under no obligation to go. Simply excuse yourself with an honest reason.

Take care of yourself Liza.

[Liza_O12]

Hey lovely,

Thanks so much for responding. Unfortunately, I've already tried writing a letter to my Dad as I used to go to a psychologist and that's what she told me to do, however it didn't do anything. I really have tried everything!

Thanks again for responding, I really appreciate it.

Liza x

[Liza_O12]

Hey Geoff,

Thanks for responding, it's good to get a Dad's opinion. I will definitely take it on board.

liza

[Liza_O12]

Hey,

Thanks so much for replying, the information you gave me was really helpful.

As far as choosing a path goes, I think I might need to go down the one where I do things for myself more. I have felt guilt for not being there for my Dad as much as he wants me to be for a long time, and I think it's time to do something for myself for once. At the end of the day, dealing with my dad and his toxic impact on me is too much for me to handle, and honestly I've had enough of it.

Thanks again for responding.

Liza

[blondguy]

Hi Liza

Thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue and posting with us!

I think you are amazing for having written a letter to your dad and good on you. Im in my 50's and I would be really happy even with an SMS from my 25 year old daughter

You have done well Liza. I am sorry that your dad didnt reply to your letter though.

any questions are welcome 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[therising]

Hi Liza

I wish you much light, great self-love (positive evolution) and peace on your chosen path.

Take care of yourself