I Think I Need Help

[ThatRandomGuy]

Hi peoples,

I think i need help.
I've always been a shy, quiet guy who has pretty much just kept to myself and up to now i have been able to deal with this. But recently it just become to much and i have no idea what to do.

I have lost all motivation to do anything where even getting out of bed takes all of my effort. From waking up, i will lay in bed for an extra 2-3 hours before i know i have to move, and even then i'm very hesitant about doing so. On bad days i can barely leave my room, i just don't want to. I have no reason to not go outside but whenever i think about it i just think that everything will be okay if i just stay inside. I hate this feeling, i really do. I know i shouldn't be thinking like this but i just can stop. I even have mountains of university work to complete but even trying to do that is hopeless. Its gotten to the point where i will just fill in half finished assignments because at this stage i don't even care if i pass or not.

Now, i'm the kind of guy who will try handle everything by myself, so when it comes to these type of things i just think that if i keep moving forward i will be okay and that what I've been doing.
The other day i was almost hit by a car, basically i was walking across the road at a crossing and the driver wasn't paying attention, turned, and almost hit me. I managed to jump out of the way, but afterwards i realized that i felt nothing. I didn't care. I didn't get angry, shout, i had no reaction at all. I literally did not say a word and just kept on walking.

I didn't even care that i almost died and that's when i knew that i have to change. I've kinda always just felt like this so i didn't realize how bad i have gotten, but i took some time to think about and its true - i really don't care what happens to me. I am not actively seeking out harm but what worries me is that i will get to that stage.
The thing is though that I've been living like this for so long that i don't know what else to do. I can't just keep on telling myself to 'keep moving forward' because this is where its gotten me. To a point where i have 0 motivation to do anything at all, even to care about myself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-ThatRandomGuy

[trustlife]

Hi That Random Guy, thanks for your post. I can really see why you're so frustrated and understand how limiting on your life it can be. You explained your lack of emotion extremely well and I believe you also hit on the answer perfectly. I'll come to that in a minute. When we have a situation where you wake up and are faced with a huge effort to get out of bed you are in fact trying to deal with a very strong program in your mind. How do you recognise it's a program? First it constantly repeats itself and as this occurs daily I think you'll agree with me on that. Second, it goes around and around and always keeps you in the same spot (physically in your bedroom and emotionally you just end up with more frustration). In fact the only thing that grows is the level of frustration. Thirdly, the programs deny you, they stop you from being yourself. If, in your frustration, you don't care about university, you'll agree that this too is the truth.

So, how did you hit on the answer? You jumped out of the way of the car!! Ignore the after effects of non-caring. You jumped out of the way. Who jumped? That life protecting, life loving part of you that in a tiny glimmer realised that this current nonsense was not who you really are. You might have had 0 motivation but taking that action you must agree that you now have at least 0.1. That's your little spark of a flame. Gently feed it. How do you do that? Well tomorrow morning when you wake up think of your next assignment for University. This next part is important. Pick only a tiny tiny part of it. Some small question that you know you can answer off the top of your head. Don't answer it. Deliberately sit at your computer, answer the question and post it in a folder called Spark (for want of a better word). The next day you can add another tiny piece. If it get's too hard don't despair. Remember, that was some life saving effort you did with the car. Far more important than a Uni assignment. Let me know how you go.