I shouldn't have to feel guilty for not being better

Kxrrxh · ‎08-06-2016

I have had depression for almost 5 years now, I am 17 and still live at home. I dropped out of school a term before graduating due to bullying and was in and out of hospital and therapy for a while. I still got my Qce and a few certificates and got into uni but chose to have a gap year due to my mental health at the time. I am happy with my decision but there are times quite frequently where my family members use my lack of progress against me, to make me feel guilty and it makes my anxiety and depression much worse. It has been a few months and I try to venture out of the house and I push myself frequently but it is never enough for my mother. I have made alot of progress. I dont self harm, i havent had suicidal thoughts or needed to go back to the hospital. It has become something other than concern for my mental health, because my situation has and is being used against me as a form of emotional manipulation. I love my mother but after five years I believe she has an expectation that I should be better by now. My brother has mentioned the "amount of money spent" on my therapy as if it is something that I should feel guilty for. When I first went into hospital late last year she told all of her friends and work colleagues without my permission, she constantly gossips to her friends about me and my family has conversations in front or within hearing distance of me about me as if I'm not able to hear. I snap now and find it hard not to yell when she does it because she refuses to make an effort to change the way she speaks to me no matter how many civilized conversations I try to have using techniques that have been taught to me by psychiatrists. She often uses the " yes I'm the worlds worst parent " line against me or tells me to move in with my father who lives in Sydney, which she has been threatening since I was a child. My family does not have sympathy for me because she has made herself out to be an angel of a human being for putting up with me. It frustrates me that she doesn't recognize that her put downs reverse all the progress I have made, it makes me angry that she refuses to acknowledge that it has and always will be my own effort that saves me and that she cannot use my mental illness for gossip or for emotional manipulation. I have nobody on my side within my family and if I do address the issue which I have many times before, she acts as if I am being more rude and my brother takes her side and puts me down more.

Zeal · ‎08-06-2016

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

First off, your topic line is very true!

Congratulations on completing your Year 12 certificate and getting acceptance into university! That's a massive achievement for anyone. The fact that you worked through therapy and depressive symptoms and had to withstand bullying is testament to your strength. No longer having suicidal thoughts or engaging in self-harm is so positive, and I'm glad you recognize how significant this is. I think that taking a Gap Year was wise. However, try to find something like a hobby to occupy you when you're feeling down or need a distraction. Having too much time with your own thoughts can be unhelpful.

With everything you've been working through, having to put up with emotional manipulation from your mother and brother is unfair. As you're only 17 and in the process of recovering (and doing well, I might add), moving out or branching out on your own, as you would realise, is perhaps not the best idea. That huge upheaval could jeopardise the great progress you've made. It sounds like you really have tried many times to talk to your family about how they make you feel, with little understanding or acceptance on their part.

Has your Mum ever attended one of your psych appointments before, either with you or alone? Sometimes psych's will dedicate a session to talking things through as a family. I'm not sure whether your Mum would be willing to do this, but it could be helpful. Have you told your psych about how your family handles the subject of mental illness around you, and treat you as a result? It's important to, as this is a major factor impacting your life. Your psych could explain your illness to your Mum and also the importance of positivity regarding the progress you have made. If your Mum starts to understand how to better handle the situation, she will be less likely to tolerate rude comments from your brother. How old is your brother, by the way?

If you don't mind me asking, have you had much contact with your Dad? Do you think he would be more understanding of your situation? I'm not suggesting you move to Sydney, but was wondering if you talk to him sometimes.

Ultimately, your priority is recovery. You have been working on this, so that's great.

I hope something I said has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

Kxrrxh · ‎08-06-2016

Hey SM, thank you so much for the kind words I appreciate it. My family have been actively involved in my psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and we have had a lot of conversations about it there but I will talk to my psychiatrist about having her help me talk through it with mum. I used to see my dad around 2-3 times a year but there was always a lot of negativity surrounding my relationship with him because he wasn't very present in my life and had a lot of narcissistic tendencies so I don't see him for the time being and won't until I think I'm ready and able to have a healthy relationship with him when Im more mature and able to distance myself from the parts of the relationship that dont make me happy but I do love him and I have the option to talk to him

He doesn't really like to get involved or say much about it and he doesn't really understand the situation more than just what I'm able to tell him

He does the whole "that's a difficult situation" thing but he tries to be supportive when I talk to him about it

I think I will just need to be resilient and strong and try to withstand the comments from my family for now because I know that I'm happy with where I am especially considering only a few months ago I was a lot worse

It is sometimes difficult for people to understand that there isn't really a time gap on progress, progress is progress and I am sure that for my family it must be tiring.

Zeal · ‎09-06-2016

Hello again,

You are most welcome! 😄

It sounds as though your Dad is willing to listen, but isn't able to comprehend what you're going through. As you've said, remaining at home and trying your best to not let the negative comments sink in is the most practical way forward. It can be hard for those who have never experienced mental illness to understand that any progress or small step is positive for the sufferer.

I really hope you are able to keep being strong!

Best wishes,

SM