I'm trapped in my own circle

[Maui757]

Hi guys,

I'm stuck. I'm in my final year of chemical engineering, and trying to do a company based thesis, working 3 jobs intermittently to pay for living expenses, I live 300km's from my family, and I'm on the mend from some serious depression and anxiety I've suffered from for 4-5 years. The good news is, I AM on the mend, and I'm actually doing ok - I have great friends, an amazing boyfriend, my family knows everything I've been through, I have a regular psych and doctor who are great, and I'm generally doing ok most of the time.

However, I still have an inability to cope with life in general. Stress is a killer for me, and the fact I'm a perfectionist makes it so much harder. I hate engineering in general. There are very few things I like about the course, and the only reason I'm doing it is for the money, and to be able to say "I'm an engineer". These are bad reasons, I know, but it's a bit late to change it now. I've been working at this 4 year course for 6 years now, and I'm 1/4 of the way through my final year. Things are intense, and insanely difficult and stressful, and life is stressful, and I am ready to yell and scream at everyone that I don't want to do it anymore.

The problem is, it's me who put myself in this position. I am the one who continued to do this course, semester after semester, despite not enjoying it, and the stress almost kills me. I am sick a lot of the time purely because I'm always so run down, and I don't have a lot of money so I don't always eat properly, I can't afford to see my psych or my doctor at this point (even with the mental health care plan I'm on), and I'm feeling so trapped. I know if I continue, I will be unhappy for the next 8 months, and it will have the potential to destroy everything I've built so far, or spin me out of control again. But I also know that if I stop, I will consider it as a failure, and that will trigger my depression and I'll slip back to where I've been trying to get away from. I'm in this stupid circle where I don't want to go forwards OR backwards, and I refuse to defer my course because it's been 6 years already!!! I just don't know how to take another step, no matter how small. I want to run away, or hide under my doona until it all disappears. People say to me "You're doing great, just take it one step at a time" and I want to scream at them. People say "Just try writing the headings of your thesis" and I shut down and internally scream NO!

I'm stuck and don't know what to do 😞

[white knight]

Hi Maui, welcome

If you have a mental illness, in my experience you will not have the same levels of persistence, concentration and stability required for you to easily reach your goals. Its not your fault.

I worked security shift work and wondered why I kept falling asleep. Reason? Bipolar, depression, anxiety etc.

Considering all these side issues to your illness it is total justification to break off your course and find some happiness in basic living.

Life isnt a world of expectations and obligations.

Ive listed some threads below that might help. Use google.

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: running around trying to save the world- beyondblue

Topic: they just dont understand why? - beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: depression, is it rocket science?- beyondblue

Within your post there is an underlying negativity that you can work on. Eg instead of "failing" by pulling out if your course, say to yourself "well, I managed to commit 6 years of my life and deserve a pat on the back.! I'm an individual with unique issues so I'm going to do what is appropriate to my circumstances.

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Good luck. Post anytime. Hope you feel better soon.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Maui, welcome to the site, but don't forget you're working 3 jobs and recovering from depression as well as anxiety, plus you have b/friend, so everyday is full, and then you have to study, wow, that's a hell of a lot of activities, and it doesn't matter whether one of your jobs is only a couple hours, it's that added pressure you are under and remember you are still probably fighting your anxiety/depression and it doesn't matter if you have that under control, it's there in the background.
You have been able to do this for 6 years, I must say that I find this to be an incredible effort, sorry, because you are struggling.
Don't forget that you have 8 months left out of 6 years, so if you have a large calendar then get a black texture and put a cross through the month that has gone.
Is there any company who is interested in employing you now, when you are so close to the finishing line, and if so then those months may have a greater significance.
I know it's going to be a huge effort for you, but you have to agree that you're near the finish line and you have battled on all these years, working 3 jobs and your battled to keep depression at bay. Geoff.

[Maui757]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies. I really want to be able to finish this course, even if just to say "I finished it". I will look at those articles and see how I go.

I will also try and concentrate on how much I have already gotten through, and try and put it into perspective of what I have left to do. Thanks for your comments Geoff, they really helped me focus on my achievements rather than my fall backs. I do have one company interested in me (thank god), so that does make it a little more worthwhile, but I'm scared that the job is going to be just as stressful and I'm not going to enjoy it. But I try to leave that and worry about it when the time comes.

I think I just need reminders as to how much I've done and how little is left. Thanks again, I'm feeling a little more inspired - It's the most hopeful I've felt in weeks!

Maui