i've just been so, so miserable lately, and i brushed it off as being stressed about uni and sad after "breaking up" with my former best friend at the start of the year, but now i'm on uni break and it's been a full year since said friend incident, and things just aren't getting any better. it's been the worst year of my life. i'm just sad and anxious all of the time, even when i'm doing things i want to do - i have a friend coming over tomorrow for a movie night we've been planning for ages, and i'm sitting up on the internet because i'm too anxious about it to go to bed. i know there's nothing to be worried about, but i just worry all the damn time anyway and i can't take it anymore.
i know i shouldn't hate myself like this, be so disgusted with the person that i am, and that i shouldn't be scared to see my best friends? it's stupid and i hate that i can't jsut shake it off like anyone else. i hate that i overanalyse everything and that i'm so awkward and ugly and i always feel like i'm that person that people just invite along for politeness. no one ever seems to really want me around. i'm nobody's first choice
i know i should try to get some sort of professional help for all this, but i just don't know how. i mean, i know the steps, i've read every site on depression and anxiety that there is, but it all boils down to me telling people that i'm not as okay as i pretend to be, and i'm so scared of what they'll think of me, like i'm weak or weird or they'll be condescending or something about it. i don't know. i just know that i can't think of anything more intimating than telling my parents that i've got issues like this. i just don't know and it's so frustrating all the time because i know i've got a problem here and i know there might things i can do to improve the situation but i'm too scared to act on anything.
so. thank you for reading, i guess, it's nice to be able to say these things to someone, if not out loud. sorry if i'm in the wrong forum or i'm doing this all wrong or something. i just want to talk to someone about this.
