I just want friends, not foes

[shadybananallama]

hello diddlio strangerinos!
this is my first ever time talking about myself with such vulnerability and openness but I feel as if it is time for me to address my undiagnosed issue. As I age I feel like I might be losing my mind, being only 19, my age group is know for its loudness, its partying and is the end of our free trial and where we go off to university and have the time of our lives but I just sit here avoiding the best years of my life because I only have a few good days a year and I don't want them to run out or be wasted on the people who've tormented me for years; but all I feel is this overwhelming tiredness and heaviness that I can't shake, as if darkness is consuming my life and my body feeling more like a prison rather than something that defines me. To me my life seems like a candle that is used during those stormy nights or a flame with a short wick, I try and fight the winds of a storm as if I'm not to disappoint the people who have tried to keep my alight, only to be blown out by one off them.
I just needed to vent, I'm sorry

[white knight]

Hi shady, welcome

No need to apologize. We know the feeling.

Of course you know that diagnisis is crutial to move forward. Without it, its just guesswork. Been there done that!

Some humans for a variety of reasons need a helping hand in the form of therapy and meds. Self help is important also. Uni just might not work out for some, that's life.

Google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Accepting you cant accomplish a dream or expectations from others is daunting but you have to face that.

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Toxic people, friends that hurt is never easy to defend but you must find a way. This one might help

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Hope that helps

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Shady, a want to welcome you to the site, but from your comment and what you had to say, I'm worried for you, because this darkness seems to be consuming you, and you're not quite sure what to do.
Please your first port of call is to visit your doctor, because all your thoughts are taking over, and that's when you find it so difficult to realise that unless you seek help, it's only going to become worse, and at the age of 19 there is a whole new life waiting out there for you, but at the moment the barriers are too high and we want to help you, so please get back to us. Geoff.

[shadybananallama]

Thankyou so much. I'll try and take that advice, it might take a while to achieve as I feel as if defending myself from toxic friends would mean having to keep my guard up 247; and accepting failure as well as getting professional help whether it'd be therapy or medication, my parents have these unreal expectations and do not approve of these things.
I'd like to think this is going to get better for me but only time will tell
thankyou once again ❤️

[shadybananallama]

thankyou so much Mr geoff , your kindness is much appreciated.
Professional help is just out of my reach but I plan to be around for a while until I am able to attain the proper medication as well as a professional to get me where I want to be.