I just dont know anymore...

[Polden28]

To make it easy, lets go back to when it started...

4 years ago ( age 11-12) my pop died of stage 4 cancer (terminal), he was a big part in my life, he took me places spoiled me (i believe i was his favorite grandchild but not sure) and i only cried twice. 1 with my mum when i heard and 2 with my nan at her house. I never really got over it.. and believe i have a "form" of depression.

Then the next year my mum got stage 3 cancer. And i cannot describe how i felt when she told me (for i did not understand completely what it was) and the sleepless nights when she was far away in hospital. But thankfullyshe is alive but has to take tablet every day to live and sometimes she almost forgets, and just the thought makes me think the worst...

Then the year after... my dad got cancer... stage 4... and just hearing four words killed me on the inside.."..6 months to live...".... and i remember my brother talking to my dad saying " dont you dare die like pop".. i will never forget that day... it still haunts me... thankfully he is still alive to this day but i cant say im alive on the inside... but i get less sleep, i cant controll my moods, i definitely believe im depressed ( but i cant tell my parents that they have enough going wrong for them) but my parent have seen my self harm and drinking, but i didnt tell them about smoking or beating myself. But i dont know how to say this in anyways that doesnt make me sound a horrible human being...i wish he were dead.. my dad.. i have beein waiting for it for so long.. im happy he is alive but i cant do it.. i need to grieve.. but i cant and i want him out of his pain and i just hate my self so much for ever thinking this...

And last year (2016) my brother lost his girlfriend, started with drugs and alcohol and run away from home.. o ly to get hit by a car and end up in hospital in the other end of the state. As soon as he got home again he ran away with $10,000+ to his new girlfriends house... he lives there now. He has cause my parents so my pain.. i saw my mum absolutely heart broken and just.. she didnt eat or get out of bed and i cant describe how i felt... so right now im age 15 and ive given all my self harm tools to my girlfriend who threw them away, gave up cigarettes and beating. But i restrict alcohol a lot. Im not saying this helps because all those things made me feel a bit better on the inside... i dont tell anyone this but its not that i want to die, its more i really really just dont want to live...

[Zeal]

Hey Polden,

Welcome to the forum, and sorry for the delayed response!

I felt staggered after reading your post. I was so sad to read about the succession of traumatic events you and your family have endured. I want to emphasise how much I am honestly amazed by your strength. I am so impressed that you've mustered the will to get rid of the self-harm tools, stop the smoking and self-beating and lower your alcohol intake. Harmful coping mechanisms are really hard to relinquish, especially without professional help, so well done! However, I think it's really important that you make an appointment with a local doctor (GP) to talk about your health. You may be referred to a counsellor or similar professional as well.

Counsellors cannot prescribe medication by the way; their job is to create a safe space for the client to talk about concerns, and to support the person to find ways to cope emotionally. It's also crucial that you address the trauma and loss you've experienced, and allow yourself to grieve. If grief is not dealt with or expressed, then it can create more emotional problems in the long-term.

You are definitely not a horrible person for thinking about your Dad dying like that. While you care about him and are happy he is alive, this doesn't stop you from thinking about the pain associated with him living. Throughout all these challenges, I imagine that going to school regularly must have been hard. Seeing your school counsellor (especially if you don't see a mental health professional outside of school) is important. These sessions should be free for you as a student. If you ever want to talk to someone understanding at any time of day or night, the 24/7 Kids Helpline phone support is on 1800 55 1800. This service is for anyone aged 5-25, so even I could call (I'm 24)! The Kids Helpline website has fact sheets and other info you may like to check out.

Hopefully I'll hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Polden28]

Thank you.

I had school counseling before and i dont believe that helped. As much as i want to get help im too afraid to tell my parents that i need help. They just have to much going wrong for them and i dont want to make it worse being a problem...

Thank you, just thank you... i needed clarity and im on the verge of crying... nope just started crying..

School has its moments but ive never found it harder than at home, like school every doesnt like me which im fine with but at home before my brothers well. You could easily say it was bullying and it was more than the common "being brothers" every day, every chance they could... and people find it hard at school im its never as hard for me..

[Polden28]

It was (still is) 3 am when i wrote this, so ii think its a bit off, sorry if it is, im just.. well yeah. Sorry and thank you