I hate myself

[constantlyconfused]

I'm a 15 year old, I'm in year 9 and I have 8 siblings.

I'm not quite sure if there is a big age gap between myself and people who come on here because I've seen a lot of 20+ year olds, regardless, I really do hate myself and the way I act. When I was younger my mum gave birth to identical twins (Naomi and Rachel) and they were later diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. After all the treatment Naomi passed away, to this day we still have Rachel and she is a blessing. I don't know if that relates to how i feel about myself because I am obviously in no way an expert about these things. At home is where it starts, I act like a spoiled brat and continue to do so, even when I am definitely aware of it. When we have no money I harass my mum and I will get upset if things don't go my way and I see this all the time. I often only do jobs around the house for money so I can get things for myself and not care about anyone else, mum used to say "can you come and do this job? Or will you only do it for money?" And this hurt a lot and I would just sit and cry because it's so true, I am so self centered and conceited. At school there are those types of girls who, when they go past a group of boys they laugh and scream loud to get attention, my friends often call out these girls and talk to me about them. I look at myself and realize that that type of girl is me. I get really confused with myself and mad with myself and the way I act, trying to be cool and popular. When I get mad at myself for acting this way, i make a scene and get more mad at myself for doing so and it just goes in a circle, and compared to what other people experience, i know this is no match for that. I have spoken to my friends and they do lift me up when i get like this but I see myself and i think that i am the most disgusting thing known to man. I don't like my legs, i don't like my stomach because its not flat and i don't like my pimples. I don't think I have depression or anything like that, I think i'm just confused with my feelings and I need help to understand. I've spoken to my mum and she said that what I'm saying is not needed to be felt but I can't help it and I don't know who else to tell. I also feel stupid writing on here because this is nothing compared to what other people go through but I thought I should just give it a shot.

[Quercus]

Hello constantlyconfused and welcome to the forums,

Firstly there are members around your age on the forums (you might like to introduce yourself on the under 25s cafe in the social section) but being young doesn't matter too much here. Your experiences are just as valid as anyone else's. Join in wherever you like.

My first reaction to hearing you write about seeking attention was "no wonder". You have 8 siblings!! That must be very challenging to recieve one on one attention from your parents. I have two kids and they cause all sorts of chaos for my attention daily. It's not ideal but as far as faults go it is at least understandable.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I do see this as important. When we lose someone it is easy to become focused on that loved one to the detriment of the living. Do you feel like you get enough attention at home without acting out? Would it be possible to talk to your parents about making time for all children? I don't think this is unreasonable to ask for. Do you?

As to hating your appearance... From what I know of being 15 (I'm 33 now) I felt exactly the same. I think if you ask any person if they feel ok in their own body most would pick out faults. But that's ok. You're still growing and finding your feet as a young adult. It is bloody hard.

Pimples are inevitable (a good diet, hydration, skin care routine and meds if needed will help) and nothing to be ashamed of. You aren't alone in this even if it does make you feel awful. I've found that a dab of betadine ointment on a sore spot overnight dries them out so they're less painful. The joys of being 33 and still getting acne (sigh!).

May I ask what do you like about your appearance? I've always been very average looking and always overweight. At 15 I was an ashamed mess. But as I got older I learned to appreciate what I do well physically rather than my flaws. I am good at hard work in my garden and I'm good at my job which is physical. Perhaps you can dance. Or maybe swim well. Do you think quietly embracing one good feature could help you feel a little better about what your body can do rather than lacks?

I hope other younger members write soon so you feel more at home here. These forums are for everyone. It's fine if you don't feel depressed. You are still struggling and needing support. Your story is just as important.

Nat

[constantlyconfused]

Hi Nat,

Firstly thank you so much for this, it really helped talking to someone outside a friend group or family members. I feel I do get enough attention at home and I don't really feel the need to ask to be acknowledged more. At school I do tend to get jealous of girls who are prettier and more social so maybe that's why I feel I need attention. Everything you said is true! The things I get complimented on most are my dimples, freckles and eyes, so I like them most haha, I do enjoy singing and playing guitar. I do feel that thinking about the features I like best about myself would change the way I thought about myself, if I ever caught myself thinking a certain way. This really did help even if it isn't "professional advice"

Thanks again, Gabby 🙂

[smallwolf]

Gabby,

Seems you got something/a lot from Nat's reply. Good!

Quick reply... I have a daughter in year 10 and regarding the pimples thing is in the same boat as you. Unfortunately just as part of growing up, but Nat has given good advice on this front. One thing I have found out from reading and my psych sessions is to concentrate on the positive I have and not dwell too much on the negatives. And if I have worrying thoughts set them aside for a time in the day. So your positives I can see are singing and playing the guitar.

Again I wont really comment on the prettier girls. Have you thought they might have their own insecurities? Or watched shows where "stars" dont wear makeup. Comparing ourselves to other can be bad. Also, my daughter (swims competitively/6-8 sessions a week) would not have what I describe as a flat stomach. There might be other things wrong with her body (if you wanted to compare with whatever is the perfect body?!?), BUT there are lot more things about her in a positive sense. She is perfect the way she is. I am sure the same would apply to you.

And you thoughts/feeling are just as important anyone else here on the forum. So please don't feel stupid for writing here. You will be listened to here and supported. Not saying your mum didn't.

If you read this, good luck in any exams you have. (My two are in the middle or preparing for them now)

Tim

[Quercus]

Hi Gabby,

I'm glad you replied and even moreso that you got some good from my reply.

Wow. I am so envious! Being musical is a wonderful gift! I sound like a wailing cat singing. You mentioned feeling jealous at times of other girls but no doubt there are some who see you play guitar or sing and wish they had that talent.

Tim has a good point about comparisons. Do you use social media at all? If so please keep in mind every single photo posted is someone choosing the best of themselves. Or editing the photo. It's not just young people who get caught up in feeling not good enough. I know Mums who get very down because they expect to be stick thin a week after giving birth. Or men who don't feel fit enough.

The same goes for people's social lives. It is easy to think someone has it better than us. But we have to remind ourselves social media is not real life. It is an edited life showing the most interesting and exciting and beautiful points.

I'm glad to hear you feel well cared for and supported at home too. In some ways you are so fortunate to have many siblings. You always have friends to keep busy with.

I hope you are able to keep the focus on what is good about yourself. Feeling a little lost and unsettled at 15 I believe is totally normal (it was for me at least). It sounds like you have some good friends though. Try to trust the judgement of people you love and trust on days you doubt yourself. I think you sound great just as you are.

Nat