I hate myself and feel very lonely and a burden on the people around me.

[Alec29]

Im not sure why im here tbh but i have always had very low self esteem i was bullied as a kid and sometimes still am, my father was and is emotionally abusive (physically a few times but not serious) and I have always never been good enough no matter what the circumstance, most of the time i hate myself im a burden to the people around me and i cant talk to my friends about issues because i feel like they dont care and only want me around for comedic relief i even feel like this when i go see the school therapist and my psychologist. I am always angry and stressed and i take it out on other around me and im a horrid person and everyone would be better off if I wasnt around them im a burden in every sense of the word and often think what is the point in living or doing anything, one day we will die and everything we have ever done, said or thought will cease to exist (im not suicidal). I went through a rough patch for a few months and got diagnosed with depression by my GP but it went away after a few months and the psychologist doesn't think im actually depressed, my depression comes and goes i'll be fine for a week or a month and then boom all of a sudden im depressed i hate myself even more and i cant stop crying and hating myself, this lasts from a few hours to days and it comes and goes sometimes it happens days in a row for a few hours and my physiologist wants me to try and be more positive and show myself compassion but i cant do it and i dont deserve it and iv tried but i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it i can try but its not going to work and i find all that i love myself and cheesy be positive stuff to be rubbish and I cant do it. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I also have extra life stress and body issues after realising i might be transgender and am in the process of transitioning. I have also been having some symptoms that my doctor believes may be anxiety, im just sitting in class, or eating at home or at lunch at school or in my room and all of a sudden it feels like someone is choking me or has their hand tight around my throat i know logically i can breathe but it is unpleasant and everything up head,neck etc gets tight and uncomfortable and i sometimes feel nauseous and worried.I dont know what is going on and i dont like it.

Sorry for the incoherent rant.

[Zeal]

Hi Alec,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm glad you decided to post here. Unfortunately, not all young people find the drive and courage to open up like this and seek help. It is great that you're seeing your school therapist and a psychologist, and I'm also relieved to hear that you do not have suicidal thoughts/intentions. You are definitely not a horrid person. Unfortunately, the bullying and emotional abuse would have eaten away at your self-confidence and sense of worthiness.

I also suffered from low self-esteem as a child and teen. I'm 23 now, and my confidence started improving when I was about 20. This bullying would definitely be a major contributor to your low self-esteem, and it's a shame you are still bullied sometimes. This site has some tips on handling bullying: http://au.reachout.com/tough-times/bullying-abuse-and-violence/bullying It's concerning that your father has always been emotionally abusive towards you, and sometimes physically too. This is serious. Have you mentioned this abuse to your psychologist? It's important to, so that you can start working through how this has affected you (and is still affecting you). If these sorts of negative experiences aren't dealt with emotionally, it can really impact on your overall psychological health, and prevent you from resolving some of the undealt-with feelings and fears.

If you don't mind me asking, does your mother or another family member know the extent of you father's abuse? Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. It's important that you don't feel that you are dealing with this alone. Having other family members and/or friends you can have positive interactions with is crucial. Social and emotional support is a major protective factor. When I was struggling with mental illness in my teens, having the support of my parents (especially my Mum) was essential.

Here is a site that provides links to LGBTIQ support services: http://au.reachout.com/lgbtiq-support-services

This site is worth adding to your computer favourites for reference: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm There are resource links for depression, dealing with distressing thoughts, anxiety/worry and more.

Keep seeing your school therapist and psychologist, and try to talk about a range of concerns you're facing. Mental health professionals don't judge, and they are trained to know how to handle different issues.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal