I feel like I'm slipping

[Saber14]

I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and depression a couple of years ago and did see a psychologist a few times; I did like her and she understood me but I always try and soldier through my hard times without trying to rely on anyone.

I have been suffering with flair ups that occur every few months, I haven't had one for a while - since I started my medication. I am however having a hard time at the moment and I'm really disappointed that my medication doesn't seem to be helping anymore. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who found a good match the first time round.

Up until a couple of months ago I worked in a call centre which made my anxiety a lot worse than it ever was before. I would constantly feel sick, light headed, my heart would race. Towards the end of my time there, I would have crying episodes where I would be set off by the smallest of things; someone's tone of voice etc.

I've started to get these feelings again where I feel like people are angry at me or look down on me etc. I started a new job recently which is fine, I've worked for this company before so I'm familiar with the job and work. I felt physically ill for the first 3 weeks every day before I started work and I'm actually feeling my heart racing now as I'm writing this. I thought I was leaving a job that made me feel this way and now I've gotten myself into another one.

I just don't think I'm ever going to be happy.

I have my wedding coming up later this year and I'm really excited about it but I always stress about money and we never seem to have enough no matter how hard we try, so it always puts a dampener on it.

I seem to be easily set off these days, my temper has always been short but lately it's worse, like it used to be before I started my medication. I feel like my attitude, my moods affect my relationship. He loves me and would do anything for me but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. I wonder why someone would want to be with someone like me. I often feel like he'll find someone better than me and will leave me. I don't like it when he talks to some girls because I'm afraid he'll replace me. I've discussed this with him and of course he's understanding of why I am the way I am and reinforces that he loves me. I don't doubt this at all but I've had so much distrust in my past that it's hard to give myself any self worth.

I feel so helpless and like I will always been dealing with being this way and I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

[Jacko777]

Hi saber14,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am sorry to hear you have been struggling lately. You will find lots of people on this site with similar experiences to yours and I am sure you will get some advice and support on this. 

I wonder if you could get back with the doctor that you like, it might be time to go over your treatment, get a fresh mental health plan. I really think that you WILL be happy, I think it would require a strategy and action. I try to remember the saying...'It's the things you do every day that make the difference' so every day I try and take a small step towards recovery and get closer to peace and happiness.

Have you tried any breathing exercises or meditation in the past? It has helped me to be aware of when my anxiety starts heading up and do some slow breathing, not too deep, 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, I say to myself 'relax' on the out breath, really try to focus on the breath and the counting, practice dropping all other thoughts.  

I would never have known how to fix my trust, jealousy, social and anger issues without the help of professionals. I 'rely' on them like I would rely on a surgeon to fix a broken knee...you are not expected to know how to fix everything by your self. Issues with trust and self worth are hard to self diagnose but with help they can be worked on, you can find and take small steps that will bring you more happiness and calmness. Even when I have a bad day I take satisfaction from knowing that I am on the journey.

Money is often a struggle and a challenge. It helps me to at least have a plan, if I don't have enough money then I work out what I have to do to change that, I make sure that most days I keep my plan in motion so even if I am not successful I can still find some satisfaction from knowing that I gave it my best shot. It has taken me lots of practice but I can largely respond to my financial challenges with calmness. See I have a choice, to react to money with emotion or to respond with calmness, I take responsibility for making my own choice. I choose not to lose my energy through stress and emotion to something that I cannot change. Do the best you can with what you have, that will be good enough.

I am really glad you have posted, to me it shows you are on your journey towards peace and happiness, keep on track and try and focus on the good stuff for a while each day. Exciting times for you. Love to you both.

Jack