I don't know if I have depression or it's just life?!

[Idontknow]

I am currently in year 11 and am doing vce. My parents separated a couple of years ago and we only moved houses just last year, starting the whole shared custody thing (living at mums, staying at dads every second weekend and alternate Thursdays). They don't (won't) talk to each other at all. My coordinator talked to me about it and suggested I talk to someone from the welfare team at school. I agreed to only one session with the psychologist because I thought everything was great and nothing was wrong at all. After my session with the psychologist, she asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her and without much thought I said "no".

Now I regret that. I don't know if I have depression or if these are normal thoughts and feelings to have. I'm usually a high achiever at school and really involved in sports. Lately I've been doing the worst I've ever done! I failed 3 out of 5 exams and stooped the level of my netball game. I've also realised since my parents split I've had a greater urge to eat food and I can't control myself anymore, making it a circle of feeling bad and eating more food. Which also connects to the way I always feel sad and angry and mad and having the urge to cry. But Recently talking with my friends about self harm, they got really worried because apparently these aren't normal thoughts. On top of that, I hate going to my dads house, packing all the time and practically living out of a bag but I feel like he will take it personally if I say anything. I don't know what is going on because I feel like I can't have depression because I am always laughing with my friends at school.

Is this crazy?!

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[AGrace]

Hi Idontknow,

Thanks for trusting us enough to share your story. 

Firstly, no you're not crazy. Having depressive symptoms doesn't mean that you can't laugh from time to time. It shows you enjoy the company of your friends, and with your struggles at the moment it's probably a nice break just to be around them.

If you want to get some more information on depression/anxiety visit the resources tab on the Beyondblue home page. There's plenty of information, and some of it might make it a bit easier for you to explain to others how you are feeling.

Is there an opportunity for you to talk with one of your parents about your concerns? Would you feel comfortable going back to the Psychologist/Welfare team at school and having some more sessions? Visiting a GP is the next step, it can be easier if you do this with the help of a trusted adult, however you can make an appointment and go on your own if you feel comfortable. If you need help finding a GP, BB has a list of GPs on their website, these Drs are used to dealing with mental health. You can also check if your Dr bulk bills so that you're not out of pocket. The GP will probably refer you to a Psychologist. You can ask the GP to put together a mental health plan so that you get at least 10 sessions for free. The GP may also want to prescribe some medication for you to take.

I understand that you have spoken with your friends about self harm. Your friends are right it's not normal behaviour, however quite common for people who are experiencing emotional stress. It isn't a very helpful strategy long term, so please share these thoughts with your GP, it's important that you get help with this.

It would be worthwhile to speak to the school counsellor about what your options are in terms of passing year 11. You may also choose to at least share these struggles with one of your parents.

I know what it's like when parents separate, you feel like you have to please both of them. This is not the case, and as your parents they just want you to be happy. Perhaps you could stay at your dad's less frequently but offer to catch up with him one night a week or on the weekend? I'd suggest you speak with your dad about how you feel. It's nothing against him, it's just that you're feeling inconvenienced. Your parents made this decision, and I'm sure they are prepared to manage how you're coping with it.

Will you let us know how you get on? We all want to support you.

AGrace

[white knight]

Hi Idontknow, welcome here on BB forum

AGrace has some really good advice there.

I separated from my first wife when my daughters were 4 and 7yo. For years I tried to communicate with her especially when it involved the childrens welfare/educations needs. It was almost impossible. Eventually I gave up and it had an effect on our children. Sad isnt it. Both parents do love you though and it is just as tough on your mum and dad as it is on you.

But some of these situations are unavoidable. Life will throw more unavoidable issues at you as you grow. You wont like it. I found it was easier to face the challenges when I fully accepted that life is a roller coaster and there is always up and downs.

Just a few comments to steer you a little. And I agree with AGrace- talk to your dad about reducing visit lengths. But I urge you to also let him know that you care for him and appreciate him...in your own words if you can. 

[geoff]

dear Idontknow, I want to thank you for being game to be able to post on here, because it's the first step for asking those that have been through their own depression.

Depressed people put on a brave face or we call it a' fake face' when we are with our friends and even other people, which then makes us being able to laugh with them, it's quite normal, but we aren't happy, it's just a show.

I take it that you are a female, and you can correct me if I'm wrong.

When parents separate is never pleasant for the kids as when it happened to my marriage my youngest son found it very difficult to cope, but he is great now, so it can take some time for you to feel settled, so there are a couple of concerns which worry me.

If you don't want to stay at your dad's place then you should discuss this with him, maybe at a common take away place, but if you want you can tell him that you could have lunch with him on a weekly basis or what ever suits you, and it's also important to say to him that you want to live in the same place with your mum because of your study, and also that your grades are falling behind.

I would suggest that you go back to the psychologist, she won't mind, they are very astute and she will accept you with open arms, and she will also suggest for you to go and see a doctor, probably with a letter from herself, but it's really good to have this connection.

When you stop playing your favourite game, netball, then there is something more than your parents splitting up, so I do hope that you can have a think about this and get the help and stability you definitely need. Geoff.

[Crumb]

Hi Idontknow,

I'm year 10, and my parents also separated a couple years ago. We even have pretty much the same custody arrangements, except that I dealt with my experience differently, and now refuse to 'house hop' and stay at my mum's. This is probably not something you should do if you care about how your father feels though. 

I have similar issues to you, I am a high achiever and I started falling behind badly, I tend to cook a lot when I'm feeling stressed or eat to procrastinate (similar to your food problem), and I get into a cycle where I am so disappointed and angry at myself and my life, that I just wallow in self-pity and feeling sorry for myself until I've made the situation worse and all I can do about it now is cry.

The worst part is I've got no one to blame but myself. What am I supposed to tell my teachers when they ask why I didn't complete their work? I can't tell them I made time to do it, but then sat there in front of my computer and cried for two hours at the thought of doing it. I'd suspected that these issues were problems for ages and went on sites like this to learn about depression and anxiety. 

Then I tried kid's helpline, the school counsellor and the GP who sent me to a therapist for a while. I found all of these too confronting. and would often spend sessions with the therapist just sitting there not talking as she asked me questions. I'm not sure why. I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, but for some reason I had to force out whatever I wanted to say. It was a very silly process. I'd go ages wanting really badly to tell someone about what was upsetting me with my life, and then get to the therapist and not be able to say anything.

I can identify what I'm feeling, and what depressive symptoms I've got, but I'm too nervous to present the facts to someone who can help me, because I'm not sure whether this is 'just life' or something serious or whether they would tell me that there's nothing wrong with me. 

I always felt like I wanted to self harm, but would never be able to go through with it. I ended up planning runaways and such. Which is better than self-harming, but still really just running away from a problem that I should be able to fix with some help.

I am always happy with my friend's too. And especially when I'm doing something I enjoy, like performing or doing hobbies or something. I'm pretty sure that's normal.  

 I guess in the end, if you're crazy, then I must be too.