All of this is very new to me so i'll start with a bit of back story,
I'm a 22 year old female, since early childhood the concept of sadness has been no stranger to me but I've always chalked it up financial issues and circumstances. A year and a half ago i quit my full time job in fast food because it was making me miserable and my boyfriend offered to support me for what we thought would be temporary. For 8 months I almost constantly indulged in marijuana, still unemployed, convincing myself that I needed it until I switched to synthetic cannabis in a misguided but legal attempt to change my ways, I went on like this for another 6 months until one day I was doing the dishes and I had an anxiety attack, after going to the doctor and the hospital and contacting drug helplines I found out that the synthetic drug was the cause and I stopped it completely. I then started to go through strenuous withdrawal symptoms which include regular anxiety. As my withdrawal started to fade away i immediately got the flu, and after that passed my current issues started to begin, i became constantly tired, often very confused, finding myself having trouble understanding the simplest of things and then later realising just how simple it really was, i started to have random pains in my body, a fever when i tried to complete simple actions, short bursts of headaches, constant need to eat but with a weight loss of 7 kilos. I dread leaving the house, thinking everyone's judging me or my bus will crash or the person sitting behind me will rip out my neck piercing. I shut myself in my room all day long every day, just watching tv show after tv show to keep myself out of my head. i've been feeling miserable almost constantly, I feel like i cry easier than a baby and once i start it's so hard to stop. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I feel too tired and too weak to try, but I just thought I was sick and that my depleted mood was just a side effect of whatever that was. I've been to a local gp a few times but so far we haven't found anything wrong with me, I never mentioned how sad i've been feeling because I kept thinking I was sad because I didnt have a job or because I was sick. I feel worthless and like I can't do anything right, like there's no point in trying because I'll always fail, like if I try to see my friends i'll just bore them or annoy them or say something wrong and i'll lose them, like if I talk to my family they'll never understand, like everything is my fault and I'm just a failure and I've wasted myself on indulgences and there's nothing left. My brain never turns off and my thoughts are rarely positive, so I started to think maybe I'm not sad because I'm sick, maybe I've been sick because I'm depressed. So i did a little internet searching and found this site. I'd been reading through it secretly for hours these past few days and I found a lot of things resonated with me. I don't know what's wrong with me now and I am so confused, I have so many questions running through my mind like am I depressed? Am I just a little ill? Have I always had a problem and just numbed it was harmful drugs and alcohol abuse? i realise I've rambled on quite a bit, there's so much stuff in my head and i wanted to force some of it out. If you read through all of this along with a thank you for listening what I really want is some advice, where do I go from here, does it sound like depression ( or am I just completely wrong in looking here for advice) and if I need to ask for help how to I get past the fear?
