I am worried about the future and I don't know what to do

[cabbagebus]

Hi everyone

I am writing this because I really really don’t know who to talk to or what to do. And I am sorry, as well, if some of what I write doesn’t make much sense or is ordered weirdly.

I don’t know how to say this. Since I was young, I’ve had problems with shyness and social anxiety. I could hardly talk to people.

I have just one friend (who lives on the other side of the world) and my sister says I’m “very socially isolated” (which makes me feel bad though this isn’t her intention).

I'm 20 (finishing my second year of university). I got help for my anxiety when I was 17 and it did make a difference. I believe things would be a lot worse now if I hadn’t.

But this year I barely speak to anyone. In the beginning, I felt so anxious, the way I was when I was much younger. Sometimes I would struggle just to say my name. Later, I felt less anxious, but I often feel indescribably sad, the worst I have felt in my life. I just feel crushed. I don’t know how to write this. Often I feel this deep emptiness or pain in my chest.

I am so worried about the future. I’m studying engineering of all things. The study is difficult, but I feel like I can manage, and I actually love the things we learn. (There are not many other girls in my classes which makes things more difficult though.)

Mainly I’m worried because in order to finish my degree I have to do things like volunteer, do internships/vacation work, join relevant clubs, things like that.

I have been avoiding these things for a while because I was scared, but it’s come to a point where I can’t anymore. I am so scared and worried about how I will be able to do them. I even think these things could be fun, but I find it so difficult to talk to people or be confident. I just feel useless. I'm worried I will never reach my dreams.

I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone besides my mum about this. I’m worried it all just sounds like a big excuse and I should be able to handle it on my own.

Anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry this is so long and I have left out things. Thank you again.

[smallwolf]

hello cabbagebus and welcome.

firstly, I want to you to know that you write quite well. And it seems from what I am reading this does not translate into the conversation. There is an art in conversation and it all starts with hello. Now I would bet if I were to ask you a question about something you were passionate about you would be able to give some sort of answer, and that can become the start of a conversation.

What are some things you like (to do)?

It may not the case that everyone doing the same degree as you have the same interests. Suppose you liked playing chess, then finding a local chess group could be one thing to try.

For many years I was working from home and increasingly became separated from society. A change in job, and study, meeting new people, practicing conversations. 

Think of it as when you were learning to ride a bike as a young person.  It took patience, patience and you probably crashed a couple of times? Everything I have said here may seem too hard. That's OK. That you came here and told you story is a good first step. The start of a conversation. A starting point ... 

[ecomama]

Hey cabbagebus, welcome to the forums. 

You only have today. Make the most of today. 
Anxiety is fear of the future. 
Depression is recalling the past. 

Mindfulness teaches us to be STILL and focus on the moment. You can access all sorts of mindfulness clips on YT for free. 

I think you'd not only be able to READ Dr Joe Dispenza's books but also be able to put everything he writes about into PRACTICE. 
One of his books is titled "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". He has others! 
He shows us HOW to rewire our brains, place new thought patterns in place and eventually our previous default thought patterns are synaptically pruned. IT'S AMAZING. 

You have chosen a field of study and now certain requirements have made you uncomfortable. 
This is a shared human experience! 
I believe anyone who values their work and wants to do well, gets freaked out at SOME point and in my case of over a 40y career, quite a few points along the way lol. 
It's OKAY! 

This shows how much you value it all. 

So taking how deeply you WANT this career, and you most certainly DESERVE IT, you may need to put some work into changing your thought patterns. 
Perhaps seeing your GP for a Mental Health Care Plan to see a Psychologist can help with your goals? 
If this is your intention, state this clearly to the Psych and I'm sure you will enjoy your achievements there too. 

Bestest wishes and thankyou for your endeavours at Uni! I am SO PROUD of our YOUTH! 
You guys ROCK! lol. 
Love EM

[cabbagebus]

Thank you for taking the time to respond in this way. I truly appreciate it in a way I can't express properly.

I know that my issue doesn't lie in my communication skills exactly. At least, when I'm not stressed. 

When I am around people in person, I feel like I can’t speak or even think. I get headaches, I stumble over my words, in the most extreme cases my hands shake. This is why I try to avoid these situations.

I really did try my best to change for the past two years. This semester I wanted to try again, but it didn’t work out. For example, recently I met a girl in my class and it was nice talking to her and I was so scared, but I wanted to try to make friends with her. She ended up not replying to my message. At first, I didn't even care or feel anything, but now I can hardly think about it without feeling so sad I don't know what to do with myself. I know I acted awkwardly towards her and said the wrong things (some things I don't even understand why I said them because it's unlike myself). I don't even know what to think about it. I did like this girl, but it's not really because of her that I'm upset, I think I am just upset with myself. I feel hopeless, maybe. I wish I hadn’t tried. I feel also bad for this girl somehow that she had to deal with me, but we won’t share classes in the future so that’s good at least.

Anyway, thank you again.

[cabbagebus]

Oh, I'm not sure if I replied currently, the above is directed at smallwolf. Though I greatly appreciate the words of ecomama as well - you are right every field has requirements which might make someone uncomfortable and there is probably some extent to what I feel which is normal (which I often forget). I hope that I can change my thought patterns and it means a lot for you to say that I deserve to work in this field. Thank you for the kind words and support. I will have a look at the book you mentioned.

[Puglett]

Hi Cabbagebus,

Thank you for sharing this with us and reaching out. I too have social anxiety which I had during uni and now in my work life. I also felt like I needed to do volunteer work in order to complete uni and be ‘work-ready’, this was hard as my OCD and anxiety took up a lot of the time that could have been spent on volunteering. I studied a health degree, so a different area, though I found the below helpful both for uni and my social anxiety:

• Realistic expectations – I would volunteer once a week for a block of 1 school term at a time, I wouldn’t place large amounts of volunteer work on myself and never did more then two volunteer roles at a time.
• Being more open with people and not assuming that I will be judged for something I like, do or for being less active/more ‘lazy’/less ambitious. Sometimes when we are worried about what people will think, we feel we have nothing to say because we can feel that we will be judged for it. By being more open, I discovered that my interests and likes were accepted by other people.
• Small and achievable goals/exposure to social situations.

I hope this might help a little, my experience with treatment is that there are lots of helpful options for social anxiety, for some people this might just be psychological support, for others it might be a combination of psychological support and medication. I really think you need at least one health professional that you trust, be it a GP or Psychologist, who can advise on what you need. If you are financially able to and are worried about the initial GP appointment, you may also like to have a private psychology session and then go to the GP with a letter from them to base a GP mental health care plan on.

I also noticed a similar thread here by Sour-Marshmallow around social anxiety, you are not alone Cabbagebus x