How to get my partner on my side

[BlueMoon123]

I'm 23, female, suffering depression, I have previously been through lows when I was younger but this is the first time I have properly approached it and perhaps identified it properly. Just finished 3 months of weekly therapy which was an amazing experience. I learnt a huge amount about myself, likes, dislikes, wants & needs, strategies to control myself and to lift myself out of the black hole.

i feel well equipped to be taking steps forward but my partner is not on board.

since the start of my low moods he has been getting frustrated. He tells me to get over it, stop moping, stop focusing on it, go for a run. He was not supportive at all through my sessions - I was using up time I could spend with him, I was saying all nasty things about him etc he is quite needy, always needing reassurance, knows that he has done wrong to me in the past and gets super anxious about it.

i feel like through all of this I have come out liking myself more and him less. I want to support him with his anxiety but am getting nil support from him in return.

he says he has had a friend and mum go through depression and that I am not like that. No I haven't tried to commit suicide or leant on drugs/alcohol but that doesn't mean that I don't need his help.

 I am rambling a bit, I just feel lost at how to get him on board to be there for me and to not be so frustrated all the time

i don't want to feel like this I wish he could see that

does anyone have a similar situation or any ideas to get him to understand?

[White_Rose]

Dear Blue Moon

Hello, welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have found your way here and told us your story.

I am sad that your partner has not been able to support you. Depression is a serious illness and needs to be taken seriously. If you explore the BB site you will find heaps of information about depression. After your therapy I expect you have a great deal of knowledge, but maybe your partner does not. There is information available  specifically for family and friends.

Do you know why your partner feels so upset about your therapy other than you could be spending time with him? I wonder if he is anxious, as you say, and is scared to engage in any therapy for himself. But he also wonders if you expect him to do this. Just a thought.

As you say, he sounds needy and fragile about himself so to see you blossom as it were, puts added pressure on his anxiety. It's not an acceptable reason but understandable

Now that you feel so much better about yourself, despite your lack of support, maybe you can help him more without being overly concerned about him returning the favour. Some people need so much more to manage their lives, while you are getting stronger. I don't mean to suggest you have no needs, just that at the moment you are the stronger person. Mutual support is great but it often does not work out that way.

Obviously your partner has little knowledge about depression as he thinks everyone reacts in the same manner when unwell. This is another reason to give him some BB information. This can be sent to you free of charge.

If you can get him to sit down and talk some time, why not ask him what differences he sees in you now to how you were three months ago. You may need to prompt or guide him. It is important that he can see how much you have grown, especially if you want to be a role model. Offer your support but do set boundaries. You will be available to talk and be with him when he needs you. Exceptions are when you have to do something different.

Talk about how leaving him for a short while does not mean forever. What activities does he like/carry out? If there are none then suggest he looks around something he enjoys.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Mary

[Mike_101]

Hi BlueMoon

It's unfortunate your partner wasn't more supportive of you when you needed him. Your still young and while it's not ideal have you considered leaving him? If someone isn't supportive while their partner is going through depression then what is the point of keeping them as a partner?

I have a friend who suffers from extreme anxiety and depression and her family tell her the same thing, to get over it, or to move on, or not think about what is bothering them. Her family also equate her physical appearance with her mood. Since my friend is well presented and takes time for her appearance they think how can she be depressed if she has time to spend washing her hair or putting makeup on. Some people don't realise that not all depressed people self harm or are suicidal and not all depressed people go days without eating or washing. Similarly not all partners are supportive.

Your partners comparison between your depression and his mothers or friend's depression is neither here nor there. If someone's partner is feeling depressed then they should accept that and help work through that - whether they think it's on the same scale or not is beside the point. If he dismisses your depression and if he isn't supportive now then that can be frustrating, lead to more anger and again lead to more depression. So while your trying to feel better and move forward, his negativity will make your recovery that much harder - and obviously you realise this or you wouldn't have felt a need to seek extra support.

If he doesn't see or accept that your depressed and need his support, then maybe the best way to make him understand is point him toward the door and say he has a choice to make, either be supportive of you, like you are to him, or move forward with your life and find someone more supportive. Since we can't change a person into what we would like them to be, they have to do that themselves, we do however have a choice over who our partners are. If you don't want to feel the way you do when your with him, and he doesn't realise that, then unfortunately maybe the relationship is not meant to be and someone more supportive may make your life a little happier.

Kind regards
Mike