How to find friends

[white knight]

I've noticed a growing trend on this forum with new members having difficulty finding friends. Let's look at the history of how people found friends in the past, then we will look at today.

In the 1800's before cars, telephone and planes there were trains but by and large travelling wasn't done in great distances. People relied only on the immediate town/s for friends and partners. This limited peoples ability to find friends or members of the opposite sex in large numbers, which meant people often married the best available which likely wasn't so compatible in the long run. It didn't matter though as marriage was forever...like it or not.

How times have changed but up until the 1980's the most common way to meet was at dancing. That most common way to meet a future partner was really popular from ballroom to disco. Then dancing became old fashioned...the best way to meet up with someone vanished.

Suddenly we relied on computer dating. In fact imo it is far more efficient than dancing. you can place your profile online, search for similar profiles and sometimes it works- like my daughter and her husband did and what a match it turned out to be.

So I'd recommend that method, what about plain friendships?

Friendships need key ingredients. The glue that binds the friendship is the common factor like a hobby, vintage cars, model airplanes, sewing groups, voluntary work and so on. In fact my ex BIL had no friends and so he took my advice and he joined StJohns first aid organization. For years he has walked the footy grounds among crowds to render first aid, most of his friends are his colleagues now. No different than joining the armed forces (but they have a contract) where you will make friends in fact, some of my friends were in the RAAF like me some 45 years ago.

Not everyone wants to join the ADF even though there are many reasons why I'd recommend it like good pay, adventure, cheap meals and mates. But in general you need that "glue" to meet others or you are guessing on the compatibility.

Do some deep thinking about this "glue". Seek out your interests and pursue that field to meet others. Don't expect to fit in immediately, take your time to suss out the people, to trust some but beware the unsavory and take your time entering into committee membership. Many of us that do have mental illness issues cannot cope with the squabbling and criticism.

Good luck

TonyWK

[CBB]

To snowyy

I have to clear thisup. I'm Australian and not a immigrant, you an immigrant and i a local are sitting alonein that theatre because i the local are culturally afraid to approach others. We sit alone hoping dearly that someone will come to say hi the us. We are a bloody talkative and honest bunch, but we fear being considered as an inconvenience by bothering.

[blondguy]

Hi CBB and Snowyy (and TonyWK for the great thread topic too!)

Hey CBB.....Just asking if you can clarify your post above. Im not really sure what you want to clear up. Snowyy is the same as you and I and everyone else on the forums as we are all immigrants like yourself...I hope you can stick around on the forums when its convenient for you

Hey Snowyy....Its great to have you on the forums and posting from the heart as well as you do and thankyou for your input on TonyWK's thread topic

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Azzdog]

Hey CBB

I’d thought I’d just comment on your opinion about online dating as I completely agree with it.

I would argue that online dating has actually made things harder, not easier. I have had some really negative experiences with online dating and I find people’s attitudes towards it are defined by their relationship status. People who are in relationships tend to be quite dismissive towards people who are single because I’m not sure they remember what it’s like to be single.

My perspective is that dating has never been harder in this day and age. If you go on social media the most likely thing you will see is a couple. 76% of songs are about love and romance. Name me one movie that doesn’t have a love story imbedded in it. Turn on morning radio and it’s ALL they talk about.

There is way too much pressure to be in one and it’s why divorce rates are 50% right now. People are ending up in relationships that they don’t really want to be in and feel compelled to stay in despite being unhappy.

The internet age has not made things better, it’s made things worse. The really good online dating sites force you to be a member which is the only way you can send messages to others. You have to hope the other person has done the same. So that can be really expensive for absolutely no gain. Tinder and other apps like it place a heavy emphasis on the way you look which is something I just thing is really damaging to young people.

I would argue that the internet age has not improved things about dating. It’s made things harder.

[white knight]

Thankyou Paul

CCB I'm a little puzzled by your post also but maybe it wasn't written to confuse me. Don't mind you disagreeing at all.

My intent is a/ to acknowledge the traditional methods of meeting people as per the past generations. Once that has been identified (Eg Dances) and that such dances are rare and they haven't been replaced by anything as popular, then we have an issue in society.

Enter computers. Computer dating is successful, just not as successful enough to make a real impact. My daughter married her prince found on computer dating. I've heard of 4 other couples that met the same. It is more successful in rural areas.

Why does it have some success? Well to meet a compatible future partner you have a huge head start when you respond to someones advertisement listing their lifestyle, children, employment, life goals etc.

I'm on the wrong side of 60, and happily married. If you have any alternative ideas on how to meet others then post them here, we would like to know them. I need ideas.

Snowyy Thanks for replying.

Google

Beyondblue topic humility, the good Samaritan

TonyWK

[Azzdog]

I'm not sure that I would agree that online dating is successful. Maybe from your perspective but not for the people I've met in the mental health groups.

I take your point that it gives you a head start on what that person wants in their life, but only for the decent websites. Tinder and Bumble, from my experience, are not reflective of that at all. As I said in my above message, the good ones like eharmony and others like it you need to invest a lot of money to be able to respond and send messages. You also have to hope the other person has as well or they won't be able to respond either.

I have looked through the attitudes towards online dating sites and I think you will find that the ratio of people dissatisfied with online dating is higher than the success rates. I put a lot of time and energy into these sites and I had a couple of dates end with the woman saying "we should totally do this again sometime". I messaged both of them a couple of days later asking how their week/weekend was going and they just deleted me.

I am not saying this to attack you or anything but online dating is brutal for a lot of people and can be quite soul destroying if you invested a lot of time into it.

I plan to talk about this kind of stuff when I get into mental health advocacy for young men because I think the whole dating culture has become quite toxic for a lot of people. I could go into more detail but I said all I wanted to in my last message.

I know this doesn't solve the answer to where do you meet people but to just say online dating is successful is dismissing the perspectives of A LOT of other people.

[Azzdog]

If anyone wants to know more about this you can jump on my forum post in the "longterm support over the journey". I struggled on online dating because I very few responses. It turns out, from the testimony of other women, that they tend to get a lot of messages from men where they feel very overwhelmed about it and just don't respond.

The ratio of men to women on online dating sites is very skewed. There are a lot of men and not many women. This is why a lot of men never get responses. Again, I plan to talk about this when I get into mental health advocacy.

[snowyy]

Hi Paul,

My pleasure to have you guys as audiences. This forum has provided me a chance to share things that I wont tell anybody in real life.

I totally understand the situation that CCB mentioned that most people prefer to stay in their own comfort zone. Especially those international students prefer to stick with their friends who speak the same language who are from the same country who have similar value etc. But I think the reasons to be at uni is to accept differences and get English improved. So i'd refuse to join a group when I overheard them talking in my mother tongue even if I had a chance to do so I still prefer being alone. I think in real life it's just a matter of courage to be the first one to tap on your should and say hi. And i need that COURAGE! hahaha... So next time if a possible talkative person sits next to me. I will try to say hi.

[white knight]

Hi Azzdog

Very interesting, the cost of online dating.

Thankyou for the valuable perspective, I've learned a lot.

That will help others with choices.

TonyWK