How can I help my boyfriend manage his depression when he has asked me not to contact him?

[annakay]

My boyfriend broke up with me today; he feels like he can't love me because of his depression, even though I know he cares about me very much. He said that I 'deserve someone better' and that he 'knows how to handle it on his own'. I tried to tell him that I was fine to be whatever he needed, that I know depression is difficult and that I was ready for that but he wouldn't have any of it. I told him that I would always be there to talk if he needed someone, and that he was worthy of love and that I was willing to help him work through it but he insisted that we shouldn't contact each other at all, not even just as friends.

So my question is should I respect his decision and leave him to figure things out, or should I try and be more proactive somehow? I know that he is already seeing a professional and taking medication. I really want to help but he's trying really hard to push me away and I get scared that I'm violating his personal space and not respecting his decisions  if I try and call him anything like that.

[white knight]

Hi annakay, welcome here

I often here remind people "you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink". Meaning if someone with mind issues doesn't want help then there is little you can do.

Just as important with this as a positive, you only broke up today so give it time. When any of us "split" from our partner we need to have time out, enough time and we often come to our senses and return. The worse thing you can do in the first few hours/day or two, is to chase him. Having time away from you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. it means he needs solitude, alone time. During this period he doesn't want any comments, phone calls etc. He needs time.

Being a partner to someone with mental illness isn't easy. You need to know him better and some things need to be learned. For example, when he is sad and upset sometime holding his hand and saying nothing is better than talking. Also few words with more impact is better than ranting. An example- he questions you love...you reply "I'm here aren't I"? 4 words only. In the end you'll accept that these meltdowns are usual for him, to minimise them but not to expect you'll eradicate them is the way to think.

On the other hand he also needs to learn some relationship "rules". Ground rules in a relationship (google those words) are a good idea. eg leaving and walking off might be a need of his but if you had a rule whereby he has to text you within one hour of leaving to let you know he is ok but just needs time alone,..then you wouldn't worry so much. It is a fair responsibility to ask for on your part. My wife and I have a rule that we don't leave our property. If I storm off into my shed then I need time alone and she knows not to follow me. After say 30 minutes one of us (either one) can approach and ask the other for a cuppa. If accepted then we can sit down and chat much more calmer than earlier. If the person rejects the offer (eg he is still fuming) then that's ok but it is then up to him to approach her to ask her if she would like a cuppa. This is one of the best rule we have made. Getting over a conflict as quick as possible makes for a better life, more happy times. Prolonging a feud is pointless.

As for him "not needing help and thinking he can work things out alone.....I cant and I'm 59yo with much more life experiences. We cant do that. That's his attitude that isn't so good. Wisdom comes with age however and cant be rushed...unless he wants to be educated

Tony WK

[LekiG]

Wow this is exactly what has happened to me this week. My boyfriend of nearly a year broke up with me nd told me he doesn't love me. He said he was ashamed with himself because he has not been the man I deserve next to him. I am now extremely confused as to whether I should respect him decision or if I am supposed to contact him and try to mend things? He said to me not long ago that I am the love of his life and he wants a future with me. Can depression change your feelings so drastically? I am still unsure as to whether I think this relationship is right for me. All I know is that his absence is hurting so much and his words have torn me. My main concern is that I don't want anything bad happening to him

Also to note: He has never actually told me he suffers from depression, i do think he suspects it though and is too insecure to let me know also I am unsure if he ever received professional help in the past

Could you please let us know how your story turns out?