Help me understand what a normal person is.

[Fubvertet]

Hello, I've have what i believe to be depression for a long time, during that time i seem to have forgotten what it means to be normal. Everyday i wake and put on my mask ( That is if i can even muster up the motivation to even get out of bed ) and every day i fight. Life for me has become nothing but a battle of attrition. And yet, when i'm outside i see people, all around walking about with purpose, motivation, drive, vitality, they don't have an internal struggle, like scraping the bottom of a barrel for just the tiniest sliver of energy, just to boost my body into action, like a ignition on a broken down car when you turn the key and it starts.

Just for a second, I have come to treasure and exploit that second for all it's worth to propel myself into action. And yet. Even after all that effort even though i KNOW i am doing something productive or beneficial to my future.The only thing i can feel is lead. Just. Dead weight in my chest. I know i can do this, i have the intelligence and the skill...And yet, when ever i push myself to complete what i have started. It's like i'm ripping myself in two, every motion is agony, i feel no pain yet my mind screams for me to stop, My chest tightens and i have to muster all my willpower just to keep on going, and when i'm done?

It's a failure, all that effort and willpower i put in for what would at best past for a half assed job. Why? Because the energy that would have otherwise have gone into perfecting the job, was wasted on fighting myself.  But that's okay, after all, when i stop fighting, the numbness sets in, i see the disappointment in peoples eyes when they see what i have achieved and i see what a failure i am. So that leads to my present state, i would say that everyday for me is a blur but in truth i have stopped seeing time in increments, to me a second can be an hour and an hour can be a second, just depends on when i decide to glance down at my computers clock. I know that i am suffering, dying. But i know no other life.

I cannot remember my childhood, or my happy memories, hell i don't even know if i have ever made any. So, help me understand, is this what life is? Is this what normal people are like everyday? Or am i just an idiot who just forgot how human?

[white knight]

Hi Fubvertet, welcome

We cant diagnose. But we can compare to our own experiences to convey some similarities and so on. The problems in "guessing" what you have by others and yourself is that it is a complex affair. That's why we have professionals to dal with mental illness issues.

Things like growth spurts, emotional struggles, imbalances, environmental discomfort, grief, unstable home life, education and so on all play a part in our mental health. Like I said, its complex and every case needs correct professional evaluation. Start with a visit to your GP. The earlier the better.

If diagnosed with a mental disorder you can also self help. Recovery or at least good management of your issues depends on many factors not just taking medication. Anxiety, tightening of your chest for example needs many attacks by many ways...meds, relaxation, therapy and so on. You also needs to accept any diagnosis that is made, grow with it, learn about it and then as the managing of it becomes easier - get on with your life.

Consider this- I had severe anxiety in 1987. I commenced meds, therapy and relaxation techniques like muscle tensioning exercises. I was able to stop meds 12 years later. I was anxiety free after 25 years. It can take that long. Don't be afraid. Be positive.

Tony WK

[Ellie05]

Fubvertet,

Can I just say you have a bit of a talent for writing - you summed up depression so very beautifully in that first paragraph.

I can definitely relate to the lack of energy - feeling as if your arms and legs are laden with lead and your mind is clouded over. I have my good days and my bad days. Something that helps is small victories or goals. Something like going to the gym, going for a walk, arranging to see someone I haven't seen in a while or ticking something off my (often ignored) to do list. These things aren't always possible when the depression is really bad, but that's ok. We have to be kind and forgiving to ourselves - depression is an illness and we are only human after all. 

I know very little about you but your reference to 'perfecting the job' suggests that you may be a little perfectionistic. It's okay to just do a mediocre job some of the time, to be honest that's how most people get by. I've found from observing those close to me that one of things that really separates those who suffer anxiety & depression from those who don't is their ability to see themselves and their achievements in a negative light. I have some amazing friend and family members who are the most incredible, accomplished people, yet they are so hard on themselves and really struggle to see how impressive the things they've achieved really are.

Consider this the next time you finish what you consider to be a 'half assed' job. You actually got out of bed and did that job, it might not have been to the best of your ability but you got it done. That in itself is an achievement, particularly when experiencing the debilitating effects of depression.