wasn't sure where to post, I'm 18 and though that others might have had similar thoughts.
since late last year my confidence and persona has changed as have my habits and opinions, late last year they sounded to me something like this: (diary) I am not sure about my own desires, whether I want, or not- this has become a chore more than a personal truth. I have anxiety about society despite my own tiresome effort to distance myself from the egocentric environment of conscious thought. sounds [of language] still frustrate me. I have become aware of my self conflict but refuse to let it dissolve me; mentally , it seems as if my conflict may be an excuse from the stress of linear education and its continuously unnecessary pressures, however it's my level of self awareness that makes me think otherwise. I contradict my ideals when I am anxious about a sense of know masculinity, towards myself. I believe that this is entirely due to my desires to appeal, is this necessary?'.
This diary insert was written in August and many more like it followed. At the time I distinctly provoked my internally rationalized arguments and ideas with other contradicting arguments and ideas, this practice become habitual, and for the most part it either served as a general logical think bubble for my own internal monologue, or accumulated into nonsensical dialogue and mere fiction; but, sometimes It touched a sensitive part of my own developed personality and belief system and left me acutely aware of things that I needed to either know and understand through study or develop and evolve through personal experiences. the overall knowledge and wisdom that I wanted was unattainable during last year, nevertheless I did still proceed unwisely to investigate 'myself' by studying literature and art; by reading the KJV bible, broad works on existentialism including a UNI of Singapore Nietzsche course which a "good" friend gave me a password for, Japanese and indie film, and so on. All this information accumulate into a stressful nexus of more information, and it seemed that I had gazed long into an abyss that gazed back into me.
This year my mind has has been threading a similar web of intricacies and I have taken up as many hobbies as possible to keep stimulated. In retrospect last year was intense but a fun learning experience, most of the absurd anxiety has been replaced by acceptance and want for deeper insight and clarity. Advice & opinion about this or anything would be cool.
