Hate myself but take it out on others?

[NeverID]

Been looking around Beyond Blue for about a week, I've never really been a talker so I've mostly just been reading. Been hoping someone will post similar to what to a specific problem i find i have. To begin with i guess ill give some background. I'm 19, male and I've just moved countries (again). Aus -> NZ -> Aus. This time though i've had real trouble adapting to my new life. I've just started uni and am struggled to get motivated, dont have any real drive to make any friends, and to  be honest have no drive to do anything. 

I

hate myself for wasting my potential (have always gotten very good grades) and pretty much every aspect of myself. Spend most of my time wasting time on the internet, playing video games, talking with friends back in New Zealand. I think that moving again was the wrong choice for me but it feels now that i cant go back, that the choice to move to Sydney was one of those one chance things and i chose wrong. 

The real problem and i think its pretty serious is that i find myself really angry, and im not sure who its directed at, but sometimes i feel like i could just snap and really

hurt someone even though ive always found myself to be really passive. Ive never been in a fight since primary school and that was just some lunch time push n shove in about grade 5. 

Lately its been getting worse, like really worse which is kinda what led me to beyond blue. Its gotten to a point where i just put on a fake face everywhere i go, around everyone i know because i dont want peoples pity, or for them to think that im just spoiled. Even though myself doing this makes me resent them even though theyve done nothing to me. I just want to throttle people sometimes over tiny things, yet i force it down and i know thats making it worse but i cant exactly vent it at anyone else when theyve done nothing to deserve it. My fear is when i do have an excuse to vent at someone im just gonna flip, and do something ill regret. 

I really need some advice i cant seem to fix myself, i know whats wrong with me but i dont know why, i dont know how. 

[AGrace]

Hi Trent,

Welcome to the forums, I hope that even if you dont find anyone with exactly the same concerns as yours that you will at least find a lot of people who can relate in some way, and more importantly are willing to listen and be supportive (without the pity).

I have to be upfront and say I'm not male and I'm not 19 however I do understand what you mean by feeling angry. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and angry outbursts are one of the symptoms. (I'm not suggesting this is your diagnosis) Ive tried on numerous occasions asking myself where the anger comes from? The best answer that ive come up with so far is that im angry at life in general, but that im also angry at myself for not living up to my own expectations.

It can be difficult to have this feeling of absolute rage and not have somewhere to direct it. 

Ive got a couple of questions. Did the anger start first or the loss of motivation? As much as you enjoy playing computer games and surfing the net, do you think that your body would benefit from a physical outlet? (I hate going but I take a lot of my anger with me on walks/runs and literally beat the pavement.) Is the anger pretty constant or are there some things you're able to do and the angers not present? 

You've taken a step in the right direction by posting on the forums, and I get that you're not a big talker but you've done a great job of explaining your story here, I wonder if you could say exactly that to your GP or a medical professional? Is there perhaps a counsellor that you could chat with at your university? 

Well I hope that you will also here from others who can relate to your experience. I also hope that you will continue to post on the forums.

AGrace

[NeverID]

Thanks AGrace for giving me the time of day. 

Im not really sure when the anger or lack of motivation started but i think the lack of motivation kind of triggered the whole downward spiral to the point at which im kind of at meaning its probably responsible for my anger at myself which i seem to direct outwards. Although only internally if that makes any sense. 

The anger isnt a constant thing, i feel fine most of the day. Then kind of without warning or myself realising it im kind of in a really angry mood. I dont really know how to describe it but its almost like im not myself anymore, like as if someone else is now controlling me, i know that my thoughts have turned really dark, but i cant stop them, it takes all my strength just to keep them in? Then ill try to be alone for a while just because i think its safer that way, and eventually, maybe after 5 minutes maybe an hour im fine again. 

I think ill take your advice for some exercise, haven't really done anything physical since leaving school. Then again i can say that now but gathering the motivation to actually do something is kind of why im here. 

[HelenM]

Hi Trent

From what I've picked up re depression over the years, men are more likely to have symptoms of anger in depression than women and it is pretty common. I don't know if you've been to your GP for advice but I would suggest that might be a good idea. Anger, as you know, is a very powerful emotion and the more help you get in dealing with this the better.

Take care, Helen