Friendly help on friends please!

[IsolatedStudent]

Hi everyone, hope you're all doing as best as you can.

As you can see from the title, I would really appreciate some advice on friends in general. I am a first year university student who moved interstate to study, and feel as though I am really struggling in the friend department.

What made me write this post is basically my experience of university. In orientation week, I got to know the one friend I made this entire year. As I am an interstate student, I stay on campus in the college dorms. At first I thought I'd have a great time, and was really excited to meet new people. However, as time went on I felt very anxious about my ability to speak to people.

You see, the friend that I made had a very outgoing personality and was always able to make whoever he talked to laugh. But when I tried to talk to people, the conversation would feel extremely bland and go nowhere. Because this occurred more than a couple of times, I started to talk less to people in the dorms.

This feeling also carried over to university when classes began. I had trouble finding friends because everyone seemed to know each other from high school. I was added into a facebook group chat that contained around 50 of the students in my course. However, I missed out on the 'Welcome Party' for the course, and as such didn't get to meet all my course mates. This also lead on to me missing the course ball in August because I felt so scared that I didn't know anyone from my course. I feel like now it's too late to mingle with my course mates, and I'll be in the same year as them studying the same thing for the next 4 years!

I just don't want to be 'that guy' who no one actually knows (which now I see is very ironic)

I just don't know how to approach a group of 50 people who now seem very close and comfortable with each other.

Also, as it is currently mid-term break, I flew back to my home state. I tried to meet up with a friend of mine who I deemed quite close. But no matter how I tried, he didn't seem to want to meet up with me for some reason. He said he was busy and didn't even bother trying to find another day. I just felt so crushed and uncertain about friendships.

Does anyone else experience the same thing with friends?

I hope to get a response!

Thanks

[Quercus]

Hi IsolatedStudent and welcome to the forums,

Sorry you had to wait a little while for a reply. Sometimes a post slips through but that doesn't reflect on your story or importance to us.

Although my own uni experience was a long time ago (I'm 33) it was a lot like what you wrote about. I lived on campus and travelled home in the breaks.

Nearly everyone in my course knew others. I was the awkward country girl. Most had family. I had none. When I went home everyone my age had moved on.

I didn't belong anywhere.

Have you looked into counselling on campus? Feeling isolated is not unusual. It helps to have someone to go to you can rely on.

First year or final it is never too late to make friends. It's ok if you feel boring or awkward. Approaching groups IS hard.

What worked for me was trying my best to be approachable. So noone knows you. Maybe they think you aren't interested?

This means choosing to spend time in communal areas and talking to everyone. Such as:

• Study out on the lawn/common rooms/laundromat on campus.
• Spend time in the computer labs. Night time especially is good if you are lonely.
• Cook! Cook a little extra. Ask housemates if they would like some. Eat in the common room always.
• Go to social events run by the dorms. They had lots and new people came constantly (normal with international students).
• Spend as little time in your room as possible. Meeting people doesn't happen if you are alone.
• Join the gym or class you like.
• Find work on campus or nearby.
• Volunteer! It is great fun.

At uni I did the same...

• Arrive early/ stay behind after class. Others will too. It is easier to talk (less people).
• Sit next to classmates. Tempting to leave the gap but don't. Asking if the seat is taken is generally enough.
• Make it known you WANT to make friends. Could you post on Facebook about needing help to find (your interests here) and being from another state you are a bit lost. It lets people know WHY you are quiet.
• The friend you mentioned. Can you ask him to help you by tagging along to events?
• Seek out events at uni and just keep trying.
• If you need it take up a tutor. If you don't... tutor others. If you see someone ask the lecturer for help approach them even if you are struggling too. Studying together helps too.
• Push out of your comfort zone. If you suspect social anxiety seek medical support and therapy.
• Find the conversation starters. Everyone loves to be heard. Truly listened to. If you genuinely care they will respond I find.

[Quercus]

Sorry for the saga. It is a topic that hits home. I was very lonely and pretty scared.

But there isn't a need to doubt yourself or be scared. After all you have four years and then you move on.

Who cares if some people don't relate to or like you? That always happens. Not just to you... To every single human being.

But if you put yourself out there and are welcome/ open/ encouraging of others you will eventually find people who you like and who like you too.

I don't believe there is any person in this world that doesn't have something interesting and attractive about them.

It is normal to feel lost and unsure of yourself. I was. Still am. But when others are honest you learn we are all the same in this.

I hope that you can find peace within yourself in time and look in the mirror and see someone worth befriending.

Others will reply in time here. You are most welcome.

Nat

[45987]

Current 2nd year student who lives off campus (around 1 hr away), but can relate almost exactly to what you're saying regarding friends at Uni. You're definitely not alone in this feeling.

While I'm not the most qualified to give advice here, I'd recommend in classes approaching various groups and just seeing you will generally be accepting and welcoming of new people; I'm sure there will be some hoping for new friends, or even some feeling a bit lonely as well. Also, don't feel you have to stick to just your dorm/course ...I've recently joined a uni sports team, and while I definitely haven't really connected with anyone yet, they've been really welcoming, and it's allowed me to get out a bit more. I'd recommend looking at all the clubs on offer (sports or other topics), and joining what interests you. In general, from personal experience, I'd say getting out there more and practicing talking can really improve confidence and your conversation skills.

Best of luck