Friendless, worried and scared to go back to school

[Simply_Me]

Hi all,

First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for welcoming me into this forum. Any help is greatly appreciated, thank you for your time.

Anyway, I'm a 16 year old girl. Due to a recent mistake of mine, I've lost my last two friends. At first I was devastated, but now three days have passed and although I'm no where near feeling okay again, I'm healing. I'm just so worried about going back to school, though. I'm starting year 11 in February and I'm so nervous because I now have no one to sit with in classes and during recess and lunch. I know that may sound petty, but it's a big deal for me because I have mild social anxiety and I take judgement harshly. I'm not good at dealing with judgemental people, and my school is full of them. People online keep telling me to find new friends, but the trouble is that everyone in my year already has their friends. I get so intimidated by everyone and I'm not good at talking to new people. I'm so scared that I'll be the only one with no one left, and that people will look down on me because my what seemed so stable friendship group of three has broken down and I'm the one left alone. I'm not ready for all the questions, for the looks of surprise and having to explain what happened. It's not that I need these two people in my life - I've realised that they were toxic friendships - but I need someone. I can't go through upper school on my own. I'm too fragile. I just don't know what to do anymore

Thank you again for any suggestions.

[SilverHair]

Hi, I apologise if my response is not the best, but I want you to know that I hope that things turn out the best for you.

I know it is hard to have lost people who you thought were you're friends, things like that have happened to me as well, but I somehow managed. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, but maybe you could try and talk with some new people, maybe in class try and speak with some people around and see how they react to speaking with you. Maybe sooner or later you'll find yourself with a new friend.

It is hard, but it is good that you broke the friendship between you and those friends. If it was a toxic relationship theb it could've badly effected you if you had just ignored it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't really help, but I hope that everything goes well for you and that you find some one to be your friend and who will care for you.

 -Silverhair

[geoff]

dear Simply Me, thanks for posting your comment which I must say is rather mature, because being around 16 or so is a very difficult age, because you are now trying to find some stable ground, but you can't do this because there is so much for you to experience, and being 61 myself it changes all the time, from being happy to being sad and then excited to being disappointed, so these are are the four corners of our own world, until eventually you hopefully decide which corner best suits you or falls your way, but this won't stop you being pulled into one of the other corners, which then gives us the 'experience' which we learn from.

We can't push ourselves into another group or make friends instantly, there's a knack to doing this, be yourself, and then people will come to you, there will one person or more in a particular group who decide that they want to include you.

I can remember back in school my friend joined 'the bad boys group', that is smoking, stealing and being disruptive and teasing other guys, so that's when I left him or was it when he left me, so I wanted nothing to do with him.

I was also fragile because I was struggling with OCD, but I made friends by playing sport, so is this an option for you to slowly gain some friendships. Geoff. x

[Kazzl]

Hi Simply Me, welcome to BB. Your concerns are not petty at all! At your age, friendships and schoolmates are a huge part of your life, so I understand how hard it feels right now.

I'm in my 50s but still remember hurtful stuff from my school days. Something life has taught me though, is that we often fear the worst but it doesn't happen. Also, I've had many 'bad' things happen in my life that have turned out to be blessings in disguise, which I couldn't see at the time. 

I'd say try your hardest to see this breakup with your friends as an opportunity. If they were toxic, they were no good to you anyway. Be simply you, try to take a positive approach and there will be other friends. At this age friends form, breakup and reform in different groups. I remember that from my time and from my daughters, who are now in their 20s. 

As Geoff said, you sound like a very mature young woman, a deep thinker and a lovely soul. Be yourself hun, be the best you you can be. Friends will come.

Try not to dwell on it too much now - you've got weeks of holidays left to enjoy! What do you like doing? Try to enjoy the 'freedom' before you start a busy year. And very best wishes for your studies hun. You have a full-on couple of years ahead of you, but then the world will open up in a most excitng way.

Take care of yourself.

Kaz

[Hamlet_24]

Hi there,

You couldn't pay me to be a teenager again, not that I'm overly thrilled with adulthood either but they all have their own challenges. Anyway here are some things I've learnt as I've gotten a bit older and I'm able to look back on to look back on those years with a bit of perspective; being young is really all bout trial and error, everyone around you is growing, realising what their values are, dealing with the same pressures and like you they're shit scared. I've always found high school a bizarre concept; putting a bunch of angsty, hormonal young people in the same space is just a recipe for disaster but I digress. I think it's really good that you're recognising when friendships are toxic, you may not realise it yet but that's fantastic, you can't waste your time on people who aren't good for you. Friendships and relationships are hard work and you and your peers are only just figuring out how to do them and things are bound to get messy. On the positive note though you may end up making connections with people you never dreamed you would. These next two years at school are going to be difficult and you need an outlet for all the pressure. What are your interests? Can you join a band, sports group, book club, writing class, art club? Anything that appeals to you and you can meet some like minded individuals and hopefully forge some new connections.

There are good people out there, people who are just like you who will support you, laugh with you, cry with you and respect you for all your assets and limitations. They're waiting for you and you'll find them.

You've got a couple of weeks to go so my advice is go into that school looking like a million dollars; wear something that makes you feel bold and wrap it around you like armour. Walk into the lions den with your head held high and command the respect you deserve and when you're feeling insecure pop on here and have a vent.

[Jess0425]

Hey 🙂

In grade 8, I lost my entire group of friends. But it was really slow. We went from friends, to kinda friends, to fake friends, to them being extremely mean but still acting like we were friends. It was awful, and it left me in a really bad place. I struggled really badly with it for about 10 months, constantly in a distressing and toxic emotional state. And it certainly wasn't easy, but what I really wanted to say is, my life is completely different now. I was terrified, and I live with social anxiety too, but I found amazing new friends and I'm living a completely different life. A better life, in my opinion. So although losing my friends was painful and hard, it was good for me.

You seem like such a lovely person. Someone who anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. And I'm sure that people will see that. It might not happen right away, but you'll find where you fit it. One of the best things I learnt, is that the more you fake confidence, the more truly confident you feel. So you go and face the school year with all that fake confidence showing proud, even if you feel scared on the inside. After a while, it won't feel like acting anymore.

[Timtam494]

Hi Simply Me

You sound to be wise beyond your years...the fact that you can acknowledge your part in the friendship break up and are aware of your propensity to be affected by judgement and anxiety is more then can be attributed to many young adults that I know. 

Through out my life the best and strongest friendships I have formed have been with like minded people that I have met through work, social groups and university study (places where everyone involved often has a common passion or personality trait). Highschool is hard because a bunch of very different people, often with only age in common, are thrown into a context and expected to get along, make friends and be successful. I agree with Hamlet 24, perhaps you should start thinking about joining interest groups where you can form friendships with like minded people. You may not feel so overwhelmed by the idea of going through upper highschool without your old friendship group if you know you have a supportive place within a social group/interest group like volunteering, group fitness, dancing (whatever it may be that takes your fancy)

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Hey. 

I feel the same as you do. 

I don't really know what to do on an online forum, sorry. 

The difference between us is that I loose friends a lot but I get so anxious of loosing the worlds bestest friend, (she's so nice).

Sometimes I feel as if she doesn't care about me though, but then I get so mad at myself because I should not think that about my friend.

I suggest making use out of being alone. I did it all in the majority of my high school. Sitting in the library at lunch and reading a book or browsing the Internet is actually quite a nice thing by yourself. 

As I said I don't know what on earth to write on this forum. Sorry about that, I'm new. 

From someone who knows how you feel.