First Time At This

[Suffering_Anxiety_Samanth]

This is the first time I've decided to write on here, although the idea has floated through my mind a few times prior to now. I guess I never really figured out what I'd say. So I guess I should start with a little about myself... gee, that sounds cheesy. Diagnosed Anxiety, Depression and OCD here at 21. Mental health issues run in my family quite a bit so it was just luck of the draw really. I realised there was a slight problem with the way I thought, processed, analysed, however you want to put it, from a young age but my family (and I) just put it down to teenage angst. Wouldn't it be nice if that was all it was. It got worse over time, as it does. Until eventually I just had a breakdown and realised that I needed help. I'm seeing the psychiatrist and psychologist regularly to try and sort through my various issues. Just hitting a bump in the road I suppose. I know, I know... perfectly normal. Even though I'm sure most of you will agree that it most certainly doesn't feel normal at the time when you are having a slight setback. I guess that's why I'm writing on here, regardless of whether anyone actually reads this, venting to people that don't have a medical degree, that don't tell me that it's perfectly normal, that don't try to make me feel better about it.. people that may just get it. Maybe without having to even say anything in return. This "bump in the road to recovery" has been a big one - like those ridiculous speed bumps that have three bumps in a row. Just endlessly pointless, but you feel each bump all the same and they still slow you down.

It started a few weeks ago when I had a lot of pressure on me at work. I was run down and constantly stressed. I let it start to get to my head (mistake number one). Then it was the first anniversary of my Grandad's passing from bowel cancer. I focused on that and it became a daily battle to try to focus on anything else (mistake number two). And then the insecurities started niggling in, the doubts, those thoughts that you so desperately try not to think, but still get in there regardless (mistake number three). And now, here I am, feeling rock bottom writing on a forum probably sounding quite whiney to a bunch of strangers - and that's assuming anyone even reads this in the first place. The neurotic tapping, counting, repetitive habits starting to kick in. The nagging thoughts that I just can't kick. The feeling of being kicked to the gut, that feeling of general emptiness, wondering when this "bump in the road" will end. 

And the worst part? I know that there are so many people who love me who I could easily be talking to about this. I have a loving family who would do anything for me, a partner that loves me to the moon and back, a supportive group of friends and generally positive people around me. But I just feel like a let down explaining these feelings to them, they all think I'm going so well with my, well, recovery I guess. So it's hard to open up about the times that don't necessarily go quite so well. 

Well, now I'm rambling. This is that part of writing that I never really got the hang of - the conclusion. So, I suppose I'll just leave it at that. If you're reading this thank you for taking the time to read my story.

[violetrose85]

I struggled to tell someone and wrote it down. I was scared of judgement, of yelling of being hated. What happened after he read how i felt. He came over and hugged me and didnt say a word until i stopped crying. Your lucky to have people in your life. Open up to them and im sure you will get the support you need. Until your ready take care and post again ☆☆

[White_Rose]

Dear Samantha

For someone who professes not to be able to write you have made a great job of your first post.  Welcome to the web site where you will find all sorts of opinions, comments, assistance and stories.   No one is right or wrong.  What you say is your opinion and no one will criticise.  Enjoy yourself as much as possible.

Speed bumps!  I love the analogy.  We all go over them and they jolt us around until we reach a smooth stretch of road and driving is terrific, until the next one.  Unfortunately there is often a next one.  The trick, I suspect is to spot it in advance and slow down until you are over the bump with a few jolts as possible.  Wouldn't that be nice?

So back to the real world.  You have learned to recognise when things are not working well and that is fantastic.  It has taken me a long time to recognise I am metaphorically frequently falling over and even longer to identify the various causes.  But we are both here to tell the our stories.

It's good that you have some professional help.  I hope this is working for you and you are comfortable with your psychs.  It's so important.

Anniversaries of the loss of someone dear to you are hard.  My mother died on Christmas Day 14 years ago.  It does get easier but there are many tears on the way.  The first two events you have identified as triggers, while significant, are things that will pass. (Not easy, but will pass)  It's the third stressor I suspect that is having such a bad effect on you.  Does everyone here know about those niggling doubts and worries, the insecurities and fears?  You betcha! 

It's funny about talking to families.  Violetrose has made the suggestion to write down your concerns, which you did here, and give it to your family to read.  It is a good idea because people can read it without the added concern of your distress while you are telling them. 

I am reluctant to speak to my family because I do not want to worry them and I think that inhibits us so often.  The reality is you never know until you try.  I also relate to the feeling of letting people down.  You appear to get well and everyone breathes a sigh of relief because they care about you so much.  Then to hear that things are not well, no matter the reason, can confuse them.

Those who have not experienced mental health issues for themselves or in their family and friends often do not understand that it is not the same as getting the 'flu.  Recovery is not necessarily a straight line.

However, as you say, your family has had some experience of mental health issues so may be able to relate more easily to your current 'bump in the road'.

Please continue to write in here.

Warm regards

White Rose

[white knight]

Dear Samantha,

Welcome here. I';m so glad you posted your story.

I cant add more than the lovely White Rose has. But those speed humps are indeed in all our lives.  The downs and further down and the ups are more rarely up than normal.  It's trying to accept that it is that way.  Of course when down I look forward to going up again.  lol

Good luck and well done.