First post here, hello

[notkeepingup]

Hi, my problem is a mix of social anxiety and feeling disconnected from others.

Right now, I have only 1 close friend and a few other more distant friends that I can't really connect to, since we don't really hang out together. They are really outgoing, and I have a hard time keeping up with them with my personality. We don't really have much in common either, girls my age are talking about boys and clubbing, and I can't really connect to this. I try to make friends in my classes, however, I have a hard time keeping the conversation going after the initial - what are you studying, what's your name, stuff like this. Because of this, people lose interest in me after a short while and I don't make any meaningful relationships. This leads me to feel alone and depressed more often than not. I'm a student so I find that when I feel down, I start to procrastinate and this affects my studies in a very negative way.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm going to have to fake being outgoing, however, this is harder than it sounds. I don't really know any topics to talk about with people, and I don't know how to further expand on conversation topics. Everyone is making new friends, while I feel very isolated socially. I also would like to connect more with my outgoing friends, but I have no idea how to do so, since we are so different and I'm afraid it'll just end up extremely awkward.

I'd love to overcome my social anxiety, and if anyone can relate to this, please let me know! I feel very stuck right now, at a stage in my life where I should be enjoying myself and having fun with friends, but due to my anxiety and personality, I'm finding it very hard to do so.

[HamSolo01]

Hey there

Welcome to forums

This sounds an awful lot like what I have gone through over the last few years so I hope what I say provides some degree of help and insight into your own situation and life.

It sounds like you are more of a reserved person than an outgoing type. I sort of relate to that but don't wanna say too much in case it's not actually what you experience.

I am 24 now and when I hit my late teens earlier 20s it was hard trying to adjust to new things and people. But what really helped was taking "inventory" on myself and figuring out what I wanted to do and what I wanted on life. It was VERY different to what most friends I had wanted. I ended up at uni and studied things I found interesting. I have potential and I have insight into things I never knew about.

I still haven't answered this question of what I will do with my life but I am in the continual process of doing it. I have had to end some friendships because of it but I made new ones. This is just part of life.

I think as we get older and move on from school it is inevitable that we will lose contact with people. I believe this is not only inevitable but also a necessary part of growing up.

I doubt very much that you are struggling due to your personality. You are struggling because you need to find new people that are similar. Difference is good, but you do need similar people to help you. What are some ways you could do that do you think? Remember that you are young and you have time to figure things out but so long as you don't change who you are for the sake of other people. Change should be self imposed and cultivated and not done to fit in. But perhaps I more contrariness than most.

Also have a read of Quiet by Susan Cain. Good book. It's all about how to navigate the world of extroverts and how to make the best possible life for yourself amongst what is a crazy world we are in these days.

Always feel free to drop in on the forums to chat and get more help.

Hope what I said helps in some way.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey notkeepingup,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post! Gosh I can so relate to what you're going through and I'm sorry that you are struggling with this.

I know for me personally I constantly felt like a bit of an outsider; if I couldn't talk about boys, clubbing or whatever they were talking about - I was there but not there. Do you ever feel the same? Like you could kind of disappear and they might not even know because you weren't in that conversation?

Anyway - you're absolutely not alone in this. The good thing is that you do have one friend as well as opportunities to connect with others. This is a great start!

What happens when you feel like people start to lose interest? Are these guys that you're starting conversations with in your class/grade? Finding similarities can sometimes be a big key - even things like "what you up to on the weekend?" But before you ask that - think (or plan) something cool- because 'not much' is an absolute way to end the conversation. Sometimes it can take a little trial and error. I'm sure that you are in fact, incredibly interesting - it's just that you haven't had that opportunity to show people that yet.

The other thing that might help is to watch your friend, but not in a creepy way 😛 How does she interact with others? What sorts of things does she do/talk about/say? Is she outgoing or quiet - how did you guys become friends in the first place? The reasons why I'm asking this is because your ability to become (and stay!) friends with her can roll over to other people too.

and finally (long post!) talk to someone! I think it would be super helpful if your friend knew what you were going through, but if not perhaps a teacher/school counsellor? Sometimes digging deep into social anxiety is realising that you're not as awkward as you think you are.

Hope this helps! Hope you're ok with the long post 🙂

[notkeepingup]

Thanks for the replies. I do consider myself introverted, but I can't really go without social interaction either, which is slightly annoying haha. I'm in university now, and I have tried to surround myself with some more reserved people, it does help in the way that I'm in my comfort zone. But I think the main thing is to try to put myself out there more, and thus I'd really like to hang out with my more outgoing friends/acquaintances? a bit more, even though it makes me feel anxious at times, I think eventually I'll be able to overcome myself. The problem is trying to be relevant within that circle I guess, and be invited to things like outings, and ACTUALLY be able to go without feeling held back by my anxiety. But things like clubbing and partying scare me, frankly, and yes I do feel irrelevant most times in conversations regarding these things 😞 Even shopping or eating out with these extroverted friends make me hesitate, and when the day comes, I just feel a sense of dread.

What puts pressure on me, is that I'll have to do a really major interview a few years down the line, and I'm scared that me being socially incompetent in this way will really hinder my results. That's why I'd like to get more exposure, more in touch with others and just overall become a more confident, and social person.

[HamSolo01]

Totally see what you are saying there

I think putting yourself out there is a good idea. I did this too. It gave me insight into what I want and what I need in friendships. I recommend doing that. But only do it for the sake of finding out more about yourself. Don't worry about if you fit in with these people or not. Be yourself then find out.

You also mentioned that you had a big interview in 2 years. Two years is ages to figure it out. I imagine by that time you will be able to conduct yourself well.

Introversion doesn't hold people back either. The opposite is probably more true. I think that book would be worth your while. It helped me a lot 🙂

Also remember that you are just a bit different to them. Nothing wrong with that

[Ellu]

I really feel for your situation, it seems as if you can't win if you pretend to party and you can't win when you are feeling on your own. Have you ever seen a psychologist? There are all sorts of activities and advice which you can be given to take control of your anxiety and gradually master it. I know how awful anxiety feels - sometimes you feel as if you are going to die - but there are ways of coping with it which a professional can help you with. I suggest you see someone while you are still way. That way it can have a positive effect on your social life and give you the confidence to be who you are. You are NOT like everyone else, you are a unique, special person.Don't focus on being like everyone else, focus on being who you are and your special qualities.

[Hardlife123]

Hi, this is very normal, i have had social anxiety for 40 plus years and it is extremely hard as you have to be social most days of the week,don't forget that there are others the same. Wishing you all the patience in the world, you are not alone!!!

[Chloe_M]

Hi notkeepingup,

I recently posted something on another thread about feeling disconnected from peers, and not having any close friends. My advice to that person was to be themselves. I agree with HanSolo01 when they said that "Don't worry about if you fit in with these people or not. Be yourself then find out." This is good advice.

When suffering anxiety/depression/bipolar etc, the most important thing is yourself. You need to focus on you, and getting help for you. Have you considered seeing a psychologist/counsellor? eHeadspace offers free online counselling- I often chat with the counselors there to help sort out my own problems, which happen to be... anxiety! Don't worry- there will always be someone who understands and relates to your issues. I am a pretty good procrastinator myself, I must admit 😉

If being who you are means that some people don't appreciate who you are, then make sure to remember that they are not worth being friends with. Don't change yourself to suit the needs of others. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you because of who you are.

With the anxiety issue, I have a little strategy/coping method I use whenever I am feeling anxious about a situation etc. You may have seen it mentioned in another of my posts, but here it is anyway, just in case:

Construct a table with four columns. In the first column, write the heading Situation. In the next, write Emotions. In the third, Thoughts, and in the fourth, Alternative Thoughts. Under Situation, write the situation or thing that is making you anxious. In Emotions, write down how this situation makes you feel and how your body reacts to that physically (e.g sweating, shaking, hyperventilating, crying etc). Under Thoughts, write down the intrusive/anxious thoughts. Finally, under Alternative Thoughts, write down any thoughts that don't make you anxious that you could think instead.

Here is an example of the 'Thought Table' I did. Sorry it isn't in table form as I couldn't post it like that, but you should get the picture.

Situation: I missed the bus

Emotions: Scared, upset, anxious, nervous, sweating, sick feeling in my stomach, dread.

Thoughts: Dad will be mad, I will be late to school.

Alternative Thoughts: Dad will drive me, it's not the end of the world if I miss the bus, at least I will get a seat if my Dad drives me.

Best wishes,

A fellow anxious person,

a.k.a Chloe_M