Feeling Hopeless

[AGentleSoul]

Hello Everyone,

I did come close to creating an account a month ago, but I decided against it. The reason I have decided to post now is because I need help. I have had quite a rough year! They say turning 21 is one of the best times of your life. However, I have experienced quite the opposite! My grandmother passed away earlier this year and I was really close with her. I also ended up dropping out of university after switching courses and having a bad experience with a person.

My life has always been quite rough. My parent's split up when I was young and I was raised by my father who is a great dad. However, my mum is an alcoholic and can be abusive at times. I was also bullied at a young age for things like being taller than most kids my age, and the bullying didn't stop and kept going for the rest of my school years. All these things have cause me mistrust, abandonment and defectiveness issues, which I seek help from a psychologist.

I feel hopeless because I find it hard to connect with people and I always doubt myself. I am not like most people my age because I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. I am also quite reserved and like having solitude. I feel like an alien compared to everyone else. I have let all this pain and suffering effect my life and that really hurts! However, I believe that because I have experienced all this pain and suffering that gives me the ability to help others so they don't go through what I have experienced. I love to help people and my lifelong dream is to become a police officer.

I guess what I am trying say is I want to connect with people and get help. Hopefully, by me posting my story it helps someone to share their story and get help. I look forward to posting here more and hearing from you all.

Regards,

AGentleSoul

[Zeal]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I'm glad you decided to post! I'm sorry you recently lost your Grandmother - that must have been a difficult time, and would still be emotionally hard.

I'm a 23 year old female, and I also don't drink, smoke or take recreational drugs (and never have). This is positive, especially as these substances/habits can create huge issues for some people. Having a Mum who misuses alcohol would have been frustrating.

I had to drop all uni subjects in 2012 due to mental illness, and only studied 2 subjects in 2013. I switched from Bachelor of Arts to Bachelor of Psychological Science for 2014, and finished this psych degree last month. I've applied to study postgraduate counselling/psychotherapy at my uni for next year, so hopefully I'll get accepted into the program. You've had a rough time, so don't feel bad that you've put uni on hold for now. Sometimes it really is the most practical option. What were you studying by the way? Experiencing personal hardship can be character-building and lead to important life choices. It's fantastic that you want to be a police officer to help others.

If you don't mind me asking, have you seen or been seeing a doctor (GP) and/or a mental health professional? This past trauma from the abuse and bullying needs to be dealt with emotionally, as does the mistrust that has built up.

I recommend saving this link to your computer, as there are great resources you may find useful (doesn't replace in-person support):

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

What do you like to do in your free time? Do you have siblings?

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[AGentleSoul]

Hi, thank you for your response. I was similar to yourself and studied a semester of bachelor of arts degree and then I switched to a criminology/criminal justice degree. I did quite well but I suffered a mental health issue and my grades started slipping, so I switched to a business degree. It didn't take me too long realise I made the wrong choice! I will be going back to university next year to finish off my criminology/criminal justice degree. I have been seeing a psychologist since last year and it has been really helpful. I have a younger brother and older sister and I like reading comics, listening to music and exercising in my spare time. What about yourself?

[Starwolf]

Hi GentleSoul,

Well done and thank you for sharing your story. Your contribution is much appreciated. Many others will relate to your struggle with low self-esteem and confidence.

Due to a childhood of abuse (+ being smaller then average), this issue which has caused me much grief in the past. Self-image dictates the bulk of our actions and reactions. We often act to protect a fragile self image and overcome our sense of inadequacy. This created self is different and alienated from our real self...and also from others. It erodes our ability to find peace and harmony. When bombarded with corrosive criticism, we end up believing it is justified.

Kudos to you for seeking professional assistance. It often takes therapy to make us realize that our differences make us all unique. Because of this we all have a particular contribution to make. From this participation, self-regard and self-awareness can grow.

The past cannot be changed but we can change our perspective. Every negative experience carries a seed for positive change. Learning to nurture it can be an exciting journey of self-discovery. This is the gift of adversity.

[kanga_brumby]

AGentleSoul, I feel your pain. All through school I was bullied, and lost all of my grandparents by the age of 22 and was close to them. My family aren't all that close now I get little support from them. The bulling I had at school followed me through my working years. If you want to be a police officer. Go for it. You may find in the beginning you get bullied by officers who have been there a while. Playing jokes on you it is all meant to be fun, not painful. Stay in beyond blue you will be well supported by all here.

[kate22]

Hi!

I've just joined the forums too, so it's good to hear from other new people.

I'm really sorry you lost your Grandmother, I'm scared for the day that this happens to me because I don't know how to grieve. I've been so fortunate to not lose anyone I love in my life. To be honest, you must be so incredibly strong to even get out of bed and continue on - I've heard losing someone you love can be consuming. I'm a complete stranger and I can already see how strong you are just to be taking each day as it comes.

I'm 23 and also don't smoke, drink or take drugs. I always laugh at GP's when they ask those questions because I find it to be so far removed from my personality. I have a small group of friends, mostly from high school, and many of them have taken drugs and smoke, and drink to excess quite often, and it sometimes makes me feel socially awkward and left out too. But not in the way that I want to do those things, just in the way that I choose not to be a part of it. It's really great that you can identify your mums issues with substance abuse so that you don't go down that path too.

I have almost completed a double bachelors degree in Law and Criminology, and it definitely sounds like Criminology would be right up your alley! I have not taken a break since high school and honestly I regret that. Please don't ever think it's not okay to take some time off and to change your mind about things. It may not feel like it sometimes, but the great thing about life is that you can choose what you want to do and change that at any time. I encourage you to go back for you, but the second it doesn't feel right don't try and force the study, there are other ways to follow your dream. It sounds like you'll be a wonderful police officer one day, I admire people like you that want to help others.

Good luck for 2017, I hope it's your best year yet!

[Zeal]

Hey AGentleSoul,

Thanks for your reply! I imagine criminology/criminal justice would be fascinating and challenging. It's good that you've realised that business is not your passion, so you're returning to what interests you. So many people make the mistake of pushing through a degree because they fear the risk of changing, and regret this years later.

Good on you for consistently seeing your psych. I have a younger sister, and we both live at home with our parents. I like listening to music too, though I'm not very knowledgeable. It's more to relax. I love reading, spending time with my boyfriend and coming on this forum.

Thanks for the chat!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Moonstruck]

Hello GentleSoul - how lovely to meet you. I had this psychic intuitive "flash" when reading your letter - (I am not much use when it comes to giving the proper "advice" on here or say the right things to help or direct someone...but I think I know how to love and reach out).

So...I just wanted to reach out to you and say I have a gut feeling you will achieve your dreams.....I really believe that. I think you'd make a terrific, colossal police officer if that's what you still want when your studies are over........I just "know" you have what it takes to do anything you choose.

Well done to you...for not going down the same path as your Mum with alcohol. Well done to you...for not betting buried under a slimy morass of drugs, grog or smelly cigarettes. You will make it GentleSoul....I have taken care of everything......leave it to me....it's a done deal! Relax and smile now...your Grandmother will ALWAYS love you and take care of you..(google up Robin Williams "Make your life spectacular" on u tube...think you'd like it. ) luv from me.....x

[AGentleSoul]

Hi Kate22,

Thank you for your response. You have made my day! I hope you post on here my often and I wish you the best your study and 2017.

Regards,

AGentleSoul