Feeling alone and not coping

[LaurenLauren98]

I'm 16 and I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I've had it for about  5 months but recently it's got even worse. My mother also suffers from the same thing plus other problems, my friends don't include me in the group or talk to me anymore. The only person it feels like I can rely on is my ex boyfriends (who is still very supportive) but I often feel like I bring him down  and he doesn't need me as much as I need him. I recently attempted suicide and see a therapist now. I find that it doesn't seem to work and often feel really alone and like I have no body to talk to. I don't see any hope of getting better and I don't know what else to do. Are there any coping strategies I could try? Or somebody else I could talk to? 

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[White_Rose]

Dear Lauren

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So pleased you have found your way here and the courage to talk about your depression. One of the hardest things about depression is the feeling that you are alone and no one wants to know about it. Partly this is because, despite all the effort to educate everyone, it is still viewed with suspicion.

So first step is to educate yourself as much as possible. Explore the BB web site, the blue tabs above, especially Get Support, The Facts, and Resources. BB will send any of this literature to you or you can download it to your own computer. You may like to get the publications for family and friends and offer this to people who care about you.

Despite past relationships I have found that people do care for each other only in a different way. Your ex-boyfriend seems to offer support and it's his decision, so accept as much as feels comfortable. Perhaps he would like to read some of the BB information for family and friends about depression.

It's good that you have professional care. Unfortunately a therapist does not have a magic wand to cure you and at the moment this is what you want. I know because I have felt the same. Depression is so hard and painful and you feel alone with this horrible illness. When you are in so much pain, taking your own life seems the reasonable and logical thing to do, because, if are like me, you feel it will never end. Be assured it will end. You will start to feel better.

Engage with your therapist as much as possible. Ask for explanations if you do not understand what you are told. Spill out all your feelings no matter what they are. Therapist are there to listen, to understand your anger, frustration, pain and desperation. You will probably be asked to do some 'homework' as part of the therapy. Work on this because it will help you understand what is happening to you and why as well as giving you strategies to manage your life.

At first it will appear that nothing is happening. You are taking small steps and this is the most effective way to health. Remember when you started a new subject at school and spent many lessons trying to get your head around the whole concept. This is no different. It is complicated by your feelings which can get in the way of your progress, but you will understand and manage the process.

Please write in here as often as you want. Someone will answer you and I will look forward to your reply.

Mary

[LaurenLauren98]

Hi Mary,

thank you so much for your reply, it helps to know there are good people out there like you and I have support.

I feel like a lot of other people have it a lot worse than me and I shouldn't be complaining, but at the same time I do feel extremely low at times. I don't want sympathy, I just want help.

i haven't been seeing my therapist for that long so I will keep on trying with that. They suggested that I bring my grandmother along next time which I think will be quite difficult.

also, my ex boyfriend is supportive and tells me that I should call or message him whenever I feel down. However I feel down almost every night and I feel needy and helpless to keep constantly calling him. What do you think about this?

 Thank you so much again for your reply,

lauren

[White_Rose]

Dear Lauren

Great to hear from you. I am curious about the suggestion to bring your grandmother to your therapy session. May I ask the reason and if you are comfortable about this. Having someone with you in a session can be quite helpful if that person is also supporting you, so I presume that is the case here.

Will it be difficult because you will find it uncomfortable or because your grandmother will be uncomfortable? Or does she have a disability that will make it hard for her to get there? I often wanted another person with me in these sessions to remind me of some of the things that were said/suggested.

Please do not say you are less worthy of help than others. There are people with greater difficulties than you who need help. This does not mean you should not have help. Your problems are just that, your problems. Others have their own difficulties which belong to them. We are all in need, we are all broken and we all deserve help.

It's great to feel you have someone like your ex on those bad days and I am pleased he is there. My personal point of view, and please note that it is my personal view, is that we can overload our helpers. It also depends on what you expect from him. If it is to talk about how you feel and generally vent, then having someone around can be a great help. The danger I see is that you do nothing but talk, wearing out you listener and achieving nothing.

It can seem helpful because you get some relief from talking. But your ex does not have the skills to get you back on track, suggest strategies and help you move forward. It's a fine line between a legitimate need to talk, and this is good at intervals, and relying on these talks. I don't want to put you off talking to anyone. It can be really helpful. Try to have several people on your emergency chat list, including your therapist.

Find an activity to distract you from your thoughts. I know it's hard because the usual activities like TV/reading/music do not always work. You need activities such as going for a walk. To me, walk is a bit of a swear word, so I find something else. You need things you can do immediately, such as a walk, What about cooking or weeding the garden?

When you do feel the need the to talk phone the BB helpline. It is available 24/7. The number is 1300 22 4636. You can also chat online between 3:00pm and midnight. Click on Web Chat at the top of the page. These are great options as you will have professional help, anonymity and time to talk.

Mary

[LaurenLauren98]

Hi Mary,

thanks for the message back.

It was suggested that I bring my grandmother to the therapy sessions as I have moved out of my mums home recent and now live with my nan so perhaps that is why. Also I think I'd find it uncomfortable because I hate speaking about my problems out loud in front of people and when it comes to the sessions I find that I don't give much information to my therapist about how I'm feeling do I think it would be quite awkward. It makes me feel quite anxious talking to people, most of the time I panic and fidget and then get self conscious that I'm breathing too loud and I don't know where to look.  

Also you said previously that the therapist may give me "homework". Do you know what that could involve doing? I'm keen to be able to start it 

on a positive note I have discovered that exercise has become a really good distraction for me and I go to the gym and do workouts at home too quite often. I find that it is a good way to keep myself busy and release a lot of stress.   

 Thank you so so so much for your time and support. I really appreciate it.

 lauren

[White_Rose]

Dear Lauren

I hope I have not confused you with the homework.  It is not always the case that psychs ask their client to do some work at home. It depends to some extent on where you are in the counselling process. An example may be that the psych will ask you to keep a record of your thoughts when you are anxious. Perhaps when you are interacting with someone as you describe above. Once you have a moment you can write down what happened.

Alternatively the psych may want you to practice a way of coping in a certain situation. At the moment she may feel you are not ready to do this or she is not clear yet about your difficulties. As I have said,it's often a slow process.There is no reason why you should not ask the psych about working on various things at home.

You can also keep a record of your thoughts to show the psych. This may make it easier for you to discuss various topics without getting distressed or panicked. One of the options I suggest to people is to write a list of topics you want to talk to the psych about. This often takes the pressure off you in a meeting because you can refer to your list and/or your journaling.

If you feel too overwhelmed you can give the paperwork to the psych to read while you relax. It doesn't mean you will not need to talk but it is easier once the psych has read the guts of what you want to say.

Have you spoken to your nan about attending therapy with you? It really depends on how you and she feel about this. If your nan is a supportive person, willing to join in the discussion but not overwhelm you, then it may be useful. It really is your choice. I suspect your psych may believe you will open up more easily with a familiar person with you. I suggest you discuss it more fully with the psych first.

Actually, if you start to record your thoughts and feelings and describe the situations when you feel upset or uncomfortable, you may not need someone with you. As it becomes easier to write you may find it easier to add to this in therapy.

Great news about the exercise. Many of the people on BB say that exercise is a great help. The science behind this is that your body releases beneficial chemicals, and I cannot remember which at the moment, into your system. These make you feel better and counteract the 'bad' chemicals. Not a very scientific explanation so I hope you get the idea. Perhaps you could do a search on the effect of exercise on mental health and get the full story.

Great talking with you.

Mary

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lauren, thanks for your post.

It is so important to know that the treatments such as therapy are very effective, however they are unfortunately not an immediate cure. Often depression has developed over many months, or sometimes over years, and so the treatment does need time to undo the damage the depression has caused to your thinking and your emotions. We also want to reinforce the importance of staying open with your therapist about your thoughts and feelings. This is the only way that the therapy can have a positive effect. If you have not noticed any positive change yet, this certainly does not mean that there won’t be in the future. Do not give up!

You might find our page on recovery helpful to read. It helps you to remember that set backs are normal, and does not mean you are not continuing to recover. There are also some great tips about lifestyle changes and coping strategies you can make to support your recovery

Remember we are always here for you too. You mentioned that at times you feel there is no-one to talk to. We are here Lauren. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed or unsafe you can call the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and we can help with counselling support, information and referrals. If you feel most comfortable communicating online we also have web chat service available from 3pm-midnight 7 days a week, you can access this from our website.