Feel like I am caught in limbo...

[Rosie19]

Hi everyone,

I have posted on this forum before and received some amazing responses that helped me through a difficult time in my life a few years ago when I was living at home and struggling with the overwhelming workload of caring for a family (mother, brother, partner) and taking on too much responsibility than necessary.

As of this year, I finally moved out with my fiancé (now, husband) and we are really happy together. I began studying my PhD which had been my goal since my first year of University, and late last year I quit a very stressful freelance job that caused me extreme anxiety to the point where I had to see a psychologist to try and manage everything. But last year, I achieved a lot, and I realised I achieved a lot because I was extremely busy. I look back at my diary and see actually how busy I really was, and I am shocked. Because this year is the complete opposite. And I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I suppose I feel like I am getting absolutely nothing done even though I am being told by my supervisor that I am...but I think because I was so incredibly busy last year, this year feels like I have become lazy. My husband leaves for work in the morning and many days I am left sitting on the couch at 8:00am thinking 'I have the whole day stretched ahead of me and it absolutely sucks'. So then I don't get any work done! I've always been a procrastinator but I feel like I just can't achieve that balance. I've gone from having people rely on me completely--from running a household of adults, having 2 jobs (one incredibly stressful, sporadic and demanding), exercising whenever I could fit it in (which apparently was a lot because I was fitter even in this most stressful time of my life), and daydreaming about having more free time (ANY free time!)--and now that I have exactly what I asked for (more free time to follow a dream I've had for a long time) I don't do anything at all!

It's like I have taken an extended break from life almost to recover from the past however-many-years I have spent being that person--like I have to rediscover who I am, as cliche as that sounds. But some days (like today) I just feel really low and I don't know why. There really is no reason (of course there are always things going on that stress/annoy/upset us) and I feel like every day is rolling into the next uneventfully.

Can anyone see what I might be missing in all of this to help pinpoint my feelings? Rosie. X

[PamelaR]

Hi Rosie and welcome to our community forums

Wow, you are truly inspiring with everything you've achieved. Thank you for sharing your story. From everything you've written, there are a few things I could say -

you've worked yourself very hard and in need of a very good well earned rest. This is good and okay to do. Enjoy it.

doing less can mean you're a little bored, more time to think. From my own experience this can create depression. I went from a 4 day a week job to retirement. Fell into a bit of a hole myself.

doing a PhD is an incredibly demanding time. Lots of time needed for thinking. Sometimes thinking is validated as 'work'. Such a misconception!! You'll need time to think about where you're going to take your Phd. It's not easy, very stressful time. Listen to your supervisor. I'm sure you're doing really well.

If you are concerned about whether you are getting depressed, are you seeing your doctor or a health professional to talk about your feelings?In the meantime, there is a anxiety and depression checklist on the Beyond Blue website that you might want to fill in.

Is there anyone you can talk to, e.g. a close family member or trusted friend?

You're doing really well Rosie and I think perhaps you need to be a little gentler on yourself.

Keep reaching out here, if and when you want to. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Zonnekp]

I guess the answer here is to achieve balance, as with most things in life. You went from one extreme to the other. Make the most of this quiet time in your life to figure out who you really are and what you want from life. Once you know that, set out manageable goals/activities to achieve your dream. I have also set for myself a daily routine (for dealing with the household, mostly) to help me pass the time productively. For instance, taking my dog daily walk also helps me to exercise. Good luck.