Fat, Depressed, Angry and Scared

[Anna12342]

Hi,

So, I've never done this whole posting a thread thing before, but here it goes because I need advice.

I've always been the fat person, everyone has always told me I'm the fat person. Whether it's my friends, my parents, other family members or just random people. They'll say subtle things, or not so subtle things, depending on how they feel. I'm used to this. But I'm getting sick of being used to this.

I started messing with my body some time around last year. I decided I would eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and as much of it as I wanted. It felt good at first, but 35 kilos extra later, it doesn't anymore. Of course, my parents comment on how I've gained weight recently but I'm used to feeling threatened and shamed by their comments that they still don't seem helpful to me.

I'm angry and sad all the time and I'm constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, thinking about my body and how fat I am and how much I hate it.

I'm being so unhealthy that I'm scared I'll get really sick, I don't know how to change this around. Sometimes, I feel like just stopping eating altogether. The saddest part is I know that if I was thinner I still wouldn't be happy, but the people around me would be.

I feel really stuck. I want to be okay with my body, but I've never been okay with my body so I don't know what I'm aiming for. I feel that the way my body is has been rejected by the people I love and that really hurts.

I don't really know if anyone can help me out on this forum, but it was cool to get some of this off my chest.

Thanks,

Stay safe everyone.

[monkey_magic]

Hi beautiful,

Being fat shamed is a terrible thing and it sounds like it has become such a focus point in your life. Just remember there is so much more to you than your body...

Your mind, heart, personality, experience, life.

Sorry that people in your life are making you feel this way. Deep down you have the power to re-create your body if you choose for health or aesthetic reasons- it's entirely up to you.

I'm on a weight loss journey myself because I too ate whatever I wanted and gained a lot of weight. I think the bottom line is exercising because it makes u feel better and then results come- if that's the path u want to take.

Perhaps those ppl r miserable about something in their own lives so they feel the need to target you.

Remember you can do whatever u set ur mind to achieve.

Stopping eating altogether wouldn't be wise.

You could always go and see a good doctor and talk to him about your concerns. I did.

I sincerely wish u the best of luck and would be interested to hear back from u to see how ur going.

My plan of attack has been walking, swimming and going to the gym. I've been on the shakes as well 🙂

[therising]

Hi Anna12342

Boy, sounds like you have quite a number of folk around you in serious need of some social skills.

Being on the super cuddly side, I can relate to where you're coming from. Also, being a mum, I've always taught my teenage daughter and son that weight is never an indicator of worth, it is simply an indicator of health (in many cases). At 13, my son is actually at the other end of the scale, so to speak; he cops a lot of grief for being super slim. Feeling the genuine need to take him to a dietician, both he and I became empowered by education, coming to understand the relevance of food from not just a physical perspective but also from a neurological perspective. The dietician reassured my son that because he's a high energy kid, he just tends to burn off the calories faster than most. He prescribed a high protein diet (aka an action plan for change).

Having obstructive sleep apnea, I find this seriously impacts what I eat. I was told that it's common for people with SA to have sugar cravings, seeing that the body is craving the energy it's not getting from sleep restoration. My need for chocolate is seriously obsessive when I don't wear my SA appliance for a number of days. If you're waking up intensely tired every morning, you might want to give a little thought to sleep apnea being a factor (especially if you're a bit of a snorer or if you find yourself waking suddenly gasping). Just a suggestion.

You definitely shouldn't be accepting others people's lack of social skill. I tend to amuse myself, when folk feel the need to comment on my weight; I'll occasionally say 'Why don't we both work on our own issues together' (lol). Typically it's met with defensiveness on their part with them saying 'I don't have any issues!' 'Oh, yes you do!!!' I say. Considering the people who tend to comment on my weight are my husband (very rarely I must admit), my brother and my auntie, they all have their own unaddressed issues. My husband drinks too much, which is indicated by his beer gut and overall health (he looks 9 months pregnant). My brother thrives on stress, which has a terrible long term impact on our autonomic nervous system. And whilst my aunt is generally a kind lovely lady, she can be thoughtless and rude toward people at times, which has led to a few burned bridges over the years.

I have found the key to an active change in health is found in both education and motive. The right motive makes all the difference.

Be kind to yourself Anna12342!

[therising]

Hi again Anna12342!

Something I wanted to also mention involves that important quest for balance, the mind/body/spirit thing. I wish to emphasise that it's not appearance which is important.

Whilst I was a size 8 throughout my early twenties and regarded as attractive, I was never happy, as depression played a big part in my life for many years. In my longing for inner peace and finding inner beauty, I actually had a flower woven through a peace sign tattooed on my butt. Although that flower and peace sign are now a little on the saggy and faded side (with me being 48), I reflect with pride whilst having gradually achieved those things on my quest for greater health. I am now a size 16-18 and still on my quest, to fulfill the (healthy) body part of the mind/body/spirit triad. Whether it be the mind, the body or the spirit in need of attention, the quest can be long and challenging one at times but still one that can be met through conscious management. By the way, if I had a choice to swap my inner peace and beauty for a size 8 (in the blink of an eye), right now, I would never consider such a trade, not even for a second for superficial appearance means very little to me nowadays in regard to how I define people (myself included).

Keep in mind, those who insult us on our quest for balance are merely obstacles. Those who inspire us, light the way ahead.

Always seek enlightenment on your quest for balance Anna

[MsPurple]

HI Anna and welcome to the forums

Everyone has had some wonderful advice above. I'll try not repeat them, but sorry if I do.

I have lost some weight as well and I'll tell you parts of it were easy and parts of it were hard. If I looked at my body goal in my head then it would be very daunting and I'd put it in the 'too hard' pile. I watched a few youtube videos and decided I needed to have smaller, more achievable goals. I also decided I needed to change the focus from what I wanted my body to look and how many kg I needed to lose to a different focus such as nutrition and fitness. Instead of obsessing about how much I needed to lose I tried to focus on smaller goals. Yes this was tough at first, but after a while it became second nature.

One of my first goals was to eat 2 fruit and 5 veg a day. I didn't count calories or anything, just tried to increase my veg consumption. After this became more second nature I looked at a website www.eatforhealth.gov.au This is made by nutrition professionals and supported by the government. For me calorie counting isn't a good idea. I have some OCD tenancies so obsession about calories can actually lead to over obsession. They advocate for a balanced diet, nothing like carb restriction or anything. So for me this was more achievable.

I then wanted to increase my fitness. I just joined a gym so my goal was go to at least twice a week for an hour at a time (no it wasn't flat chat for an hour, this includes rests etc) I started going to classes to help as I had no idea what I was doing. I was worried I'd stick out like a sore thumb with all these fitness folk. Nope there are people of all shapes and sizes. People are in the same boat as you which is nice. No one judges at the gym (at least the ones i've been too which was snap and goodlife) because everyone is a sweety hot mess too 🙂 I then tired to go 3-4 times a week. I also had a goal of doing a 5km fun run which I ended up doing at a park run.

So I'm sharing all this to show you that once I shifted my focus on the number on the scales I ended up losing weight. I focused on smaller more achievable goals. I avoided calorie counting and tired to focus more on increasing fruit and veg and then making better choices (e.g avoiding fried food and having them as sometimes foods, I never banned myself from anything, that doesn't work) and working on fitness. I also started triathlons, no I'm not fast, but it keeps me fit and happy.

[Quercus]

Hi Anna and welcome,

So many lovely replies huh. And yet I still want to reply too.

Feeling rejected by loved ones is something I relate to as well. I'm the "fat one" too, always have been. The hardest part about the "well meaning put down" is how over time it erodes any feelings of self worth.

I grew up within a loving family. But the quiet put downs were always there. Encouragement to diet when my weight crept up (new clothes two sizes to small) praise when I lost weight. Sport and exercise weren't for fun but weight loss.

It took me a long time to realise I felt inferior and worthless all the time.

What helped was to think about what I like. Not anyone else. Me. What do I find attractive and important?

It took an illness where I couldn't walk properly to realise I don't want to be slim or beautiful. I want to be strong and healthy.

At my worst I used to get very down about whether I would ever be able to go bushwalking again. Work hard in my garden? Play with my kids. Use my crosstrainer and listen to music?

Nothing fancy but it helped me to realise the sorts of activities that are helpful for me. What I enjoy. I do feel that activity has to be something you want to do. Not a chore.

Eating. My nemesis. I binge eat. My psychiatrist calls it binge eating disorder and I take medication to help (not sure if it works yet). I call it self harm via food. Not sure if that is a valid thing but it's how I feel often. I eat to punish myself for not being good enough. I want the outside to match how horrible I feel inside. Have you considered speaking to a professional (therapist) about the hurt you feel? It does help.

Nat

[Anna12342]

Hi Nat,

Thank you for your reply.

I started speaking about it to a professional a couple of days ago, I hope it will help for the future. But i guess it's mostly about what everyone replying is saying - it's about finding what makes me feel happy and healthy and not what other people say.

Just now, my dad brought home a chocolate bar for everyone for dessert, but he told me I didn't have to eat it all if I didn't feel like it even though everyone else had eaten all of theirs. it's that kind of stuff that really stabs me in the gut, and I ended up eating the whole bar just to "get back" at him, but really I know it does nothing.

I've never really cared about appearances or being attractive, maybe because everyone's always telling me I need to change my appearance. I'd just like to accept and love me for who I am, no matter what size I am, but I find that so hard when no one else seems to accept or love me for who I am.

Because of difficulties with putting on so much weight this past year I've had to see a physio recently, and they recommended pilates. I'm worried that this will give my family more ammo to use on me and my weight, it's already started with my parents seeing it as a way for me to lose weight only, and not because I have severe back pain from a reason different to me weight gain.

Sorry, to blurt this all out, just having a tough time.

Thanks everyone for your replies,

stay safe,

Anna

[monkey_magic]

Hi Anna,

Never be sorry to blurt stuff out on this forum, it's anonymous and we are here to help & support you.

I could just imagine the discrimination you would feel after your father said that but please don't let him, or anyone else deter you from your goal of accepting & loving who you are. It's an important first step. I'm sure he's not Mr Perfect or anyone else for that matter who is bringing u down- it's counter productive.

Are you going to do Pilates? If I could I would join u- I have a back injury too. I'm a 36 yr old female BTW...

Please don't feel too disheartened in life. Keep doing things that are good for you and always remember this is always a safe place for you to come to and gain understanding and support. Some of us have been writing on beyond blue forums for years.

It's a community of support and no one should have to go through their problems or life journey alone. It really helps to talk about what's going on. Well done for taking the first step 🙂

Love MM