Everything fell apart at once. Depression and self harm.

[PartyAnimal]

Alright, where do i even begin? This is my first post, but long story short I am going through a seriously depressing stage at the moment. Like everyone I have made my mistakes, some of which seemed like a good idea at the time but have only now come back to haunt me. After a failed and self-destructive relationship in march I went into a dating/ sleeping around phase. I did some things I'm not proud of and I know I hurt a lot of people. In mid May I met a girl from uni, and after only a week she thought I was her boyfriend. I made the severe mistake of not correcting her on this for 1) i didnt want to hurt her like I had with others. and 2) I just wanted someone, ANYONE to be intimate with. 

Somewhat simultaneously I met a second girl at uni, far better looking than the first, and a fair bit more touchy feely even when we had only just met. Skip ahead a few weeks, and I am really close with girl 2, we kissed at uni before we left to go home. However, as soon as I got home I called girl 1 and she came over, we confirmed that it wasn't a relationship and just fun. I was the first guy she had ever been with. Now, a week later girl 2 wont speak to me for reasons still unknown and I turned girl 1 away because she suddenly wanted a relationship at the exact same time I was EXTREMELY annoyed and depressed and just wanted some time alone to recover.

On friday the 20th I intentionally self harmed. The very next day, I was told that my dad would be sentenced in a weeks time and serve a jail term of 1-2 years. He is/was the sole provider for our family and now its my job to step up and take control. Despite the traumatic news, I still felt in control, as if my one off bout of self harm was the end of my depression.

 After a difficult nights sleep, I woke up today feeling as if i was on the verge of tears and have felt this way for the last 12 hours. My mind has been a mess, I cant focus and my thoughts are running through the thousands of mistakes i've made, failed relationships and losing friends from just the past few weeks. I wish I had someone other than family, who is already suffering enough to just talk to. Not for support or solutions, but just some company.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Struggler]

Hi PartyAnimal

I understand you don't want to burden your family as they already suffer enough.  Well you've come to the right place and welcome.  This forum is full of real people from all walks of life who understand depression and other mental illnesses and real hardship.  Please feel safe to post.  No one here will judge you.  We listen/read and offer encouragement and maybe advice from those who have been there.  

You didn't mention if you are receiving treatment for your condition.  If not, this should really be the first step to take as BB suggested at the end of this thread.  

Please let us know how you are getting along.  Love to read your next post again.

Struggler

[--Mark--]

Hi Party Animal,

I can't help you with your relationship status, but perhaps can offer you a different outlook...

My abusive father left the family home when I was 17. He refused to provide assistance to my mother and 4 brothers. I left school, and started working to support my family. I ignored my past, and present, and just worked. Eventually I was able to go back to school, and gained Uni qualifications and a career. Got married, had 3 beautiful kids...all the while never really dealing with my emotional headset, there was always something else to focus on. 20 years later, my life turned into hell, due to unfounded accusations, which, in all reality, though I was gagged by the gvt, should've said stuff it and come out publicly and not allowed my circumstances to rule my life. But, I again focused on career, not wanting to lose it. I self harmed several times, was detained under the Mental Health Act. My kids won't talk to me because I've scared them with my actions. That was 10 months ago.

My point is, if you don't deal with things now, they'll only get worse...talk to a doc or psych, or at least keep posting, keep venting, crying, whatever, you'll find a heap of support in here. 

[jess91au]

Hi,

I know how you're feeling. I feel like I've recently been through a similar situation but everyone is different and deals with things differently. You've done so well to hold things together and I know what it's like to feel like there is no one around you to talk to. It is easier to talk to someone who knows nothing about you or your past. Girls can be quite confusing with their emotions, hence why I've opted to be totally honest from day one with all the guys I know. It is easier said than done but you have to think of yourself and your own well-being first. I wish I could take this advice myself but don't worry about those girls, ignore what they think and want and just focus on yourself. Sometimes the right thing to do is to be selfish and gain control of your thoughts and emotions before you can try and interpret others'. It would be great to hear how you are getting on. Hope you're ok 🙂