End of my rope

[sadgirl57]

Hi, 

so I've had depression and anxiety and whatnot for like years and I've tried dealing with it and getting help and I have a history of having to suddenly leave my job because I have mental breakdowns all the time... or the same one over and over. I just can't cope with working but I can't lose this job/my income and I don't know what to do. I went to the doctor and she said to go on antidepressants but I really don't want to do that and it's too far beyond that now. I'm really not good at looking after myself and I just don't know what to do. 

[Cherpieus]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.  It is so stressful and exhausting trying to be ok when at work. I find it very hard and sometimes I just have to have a sick day. 

Have you been on antidepressants before? If not I do think it would be worth giving them a try. It can take quite a bit of time though to get one that works well for you. I'm in the middle of a transition to a different one myself and the time between is so hard.

In terms of taking care of yourself you could try doing one very small thing per day. Sometimes all I can manage is getting a long hot shower. But something small is better than nothing. 

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey,

First of all, never think that something is 'too far beyond' an aid. I have felt like that many times in my life and you know in the end it just makes you stronger. There are medications that can change the most drastic of mental or physical issues out there, its just unfortunate that most people require trial times to see if their right for you. I do believe that there is an antidepressant out there that could help everyone, but we are all different and effects and strengths vary for us all.

I wish they could just take a blood sample and say 'Right this is what you need at the moment'...

I suffer from the same lack of motivation and intense pain that sends you home from work or does not allow you to go in the first place and I agree with *Cherpieus* sometimes you do just need to get away from that environment and be alone.

It is the only thing that has allowed me to keep my job, is taking breaks when I cant hack it anymore, to the point of only just being able to afford mortgage, bills and food, maybe enough left over to get smokes for the fortnight.

Now im not advising you to work the bare minimum cause trust me never having any money to yourself just adds extra stress and distaste for the job. However you could take the odd day off, or leave early on a few days, to get away from the pressure in order to return the next day. its a fine balance but one that can be mastered.

With the aid of a GP and sick certificates you can prove to your employer that you are struggling with something not just ditching and that you want you don't want to loose your job.

Unfortunately with medications, they can incapacitate you at first, or continually, so its always good to have some leave up your sleeve or something.

I myself have had 2 successful trials but after awhile they stopped working the way they should, that's my physiology though. In saying that I have also had 4 that just about ruined my life...

Both circumstances however led me to being stronger and more independent within myself. So don't rule it out.

Everybody needs some support too, whether its best friends, partners, parents or GPs.

Hiding the fact you need someone to lean on is a downer in itself, try to put your trust in someone you have a lot of faith in, or put a little trust into multiple people you have moderate faith in. This can sometimes be easier as you wont feel like your life is in someone else's hands.

General socialisation is very powerful too.

NT

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey There,

So I wrote a full thing before and it seems to have got lost in cyberspace... But ill try again, its never as good the second time around though...

Firstly, I want you to talk to someone. Start with your parents, let them know you need support even if you cant really explain why. Put some trust in friends, you may have one really special friend you can share all with, or you may be better of sharing little bits with more than one friend, sometimes this is a better approach as you don't feel like your whole life is in someone else's hands.

Secondly I want you to see a GP, Medications can alter some of the most serious mental and physical illnesses, never feel your too far gone, however if that's not a course you want to take, atleast talk to a GP and try to get some help understanding where you are at.I too suffer from leaving work early or not even being able to go. The fact is sometimes we need this break in order to rock up the next day though...

Working with your GP you can get sick certificates and show your employer that your suffering from something and want to keep your job, not leave them thinking your just ditching.

Your in a sticky stressful situation, that in itself leaves you more stressed and upset about the stress your under, how ridiculous do our minds work hey...Please try and find something you love, or that brings you joy, to hold onto. Everybody needs an anchor in life. If nothing is stable, you have nothing to hold onto, and you can easily loose yourself.

Find something to do occasionally that either makes you smile or gives some level of release. For some its listening to music while sleeping when they never have before, some surprise themselves just sitting and colouring something in with pencils or pens and likewise drawing writing or reading...Do a little research on Expressional (or Creative) Therapy

But go see a GP, even just to talk, like a councillor situation. Sometimes just seeing someone is interested in helping you once in awhile can help tremendously. Its usually easier with someone who is not part of your personal life, such as a GP or this forum.

Stay strong, never let others decide how you should feel, and follow what makes you happy or even just not feel so down in the dumps..

NT

[sadgirl57]

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely not new to depression and all this. I go to a doctor, I confide in friends and told my family. I do everything. Antidepressants made me stupidly unstable so I don't want to go down that path again. 

What I really wanted to know is how others have handled mental breakdowns, every time I have a job I last 6 months or so and I can't cope anymore. I can't manage looking after myself AND working, it's one or the other, I simply don't have the capacity. I have no idea what to do because every other time I've done this I've just left the job and took 8 months off to try heal and when I think I'm better I go back to work but then the cycle starts again. I'm getting to that age where I can't afford to just chop and change jobs as I please. I'm casual so I can't take time off and I can't get on Centrelink because I'm not enough in need because you know how they are with mental illness. I'm really no good at stressing how much I need help and it's really doing me no good, I just don't know what to do or what to say. I can't keep repeating this cycle my whole life. 

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey, so both my post went through eventually, you can probably see what I meant by the second attempt never being as good lol.

The best thing you can do is try and raise the level of support you get from those around you by letting them know you appreciate their efforts but are still really struggling and need more help.

I have had the same issue with antidepressants but I have also had one or 2 good experiences, until my body decided to become immune to it... However there is one out there to help everybody. If your able to take so long off work I would suggest that is the time to get into trying it again, in 8 months you can successfully trial atleast 2 to 3 different ones. Although I DO realise this is not ideal, if the opportunity arises again, please consider it.

Don't let yourself feel that the past bad experiences have caused unfixable issues, the fact is when you see how bad something can make you, you realise how strong you are and how well you can cope without them in comparison. I often advise people having trouble with meds to attempt cleaning off and re learning who they are without them so as to experience and learn this difference.

Also do not discount professionals, they can help you get on centerlink etc with recommendations of illness and how bad it is.

Unfortunately, when it comes to mental breakdowns, it is out of our control and no one can usually 'handle' it, that's when we seek help, from who ever we are most comfortable with.

Now the issue there is nothing ever comes from hiding in the comfort zone ok... You are going to need to push yourself, recognise what you want most, which is to get better, or get stronger. That involves aid from others, nobody survives this life alone... You need to find and focus on what helps you get through each day...

I make it all sound so easy right? Oh I know its not... Its easier to give advice than take it too...

Im going to advise, trying to find a part time job, as you said you are casual, im not sure what hours you are used to working but maybe you need to find something that offers a bit less so you have time to recoup between work days. Most docs etc initially offer you a month or so off work during these times, not 8, that's an pretty huge stretch so im guessing this is not by doctors recommendation.

Mental breakdown are breakdowns they can be prevented but cannot be controlled, you need to let it happen and then get back up and try again, but everyone needs breaks..

[sadgirl57]

Hi, haha yeah I noticed that. 

I think I do have plenty of support. I have next to no skills that'll allow me to get a part-time job. I work at subway and have quit every other job I've had and it works for me at the moment. I only work 4 days now as it is and it still feels like too much most of the time. I've signed up to so many courses so I can do something I like but my brain doesn't work and I just can't process or understand anything despite getting help. I do push myself, all the time and no I've never left a job because of a doctor's recommendation. I've been trying to do things I like to pep me up but it doesn't work and I think of all these things I could do to make myself feel better but then I think of the things I used to think of and do and they never worked so... 

I've been depressed my whole life and I've never liked myself so not sure that undoing 23 years of self-hatred is even possible. 

[_NaturalTalent_]

3 years ago I would have said the same thing, and there are times I do feel that way, especially recently.

Try to do what I am right now, turn pain/sadness to anger, and anger to fuel.

Easier said than done I know, but if you can manage to change it even a little bit you will find it will start to change itself. I have currently taken on a very numb feeling at the moment and whenever I start to feel something I get angry at myself which gives me extra fuel to burn, and im able to harness it.

It has been a difficult path but trust me it CAN work, if your able to do it.

Sometimes I cant even make 4 days a week, I feel weak and looked down on when that's the case, but people know my situation and my managers try to support me and keep me coming back.

I can understand Subway may not have the same ethics and just expect you to get on with things, if you can AFFORD to drop down to 3 days a week, such as Monday Wednesday and Friday, id advise you do, atleast for a little while. If not (and if your not already doing this..) try for a Monday Tuesday & Thursday Friday shifts, then at any one time, you are only having to face 2 days work at a time before having a break..

[sadgirl57]

I don't know if I can do that haha. 

 Yeah, I only work 3/4 days split up anyways. I've been doing depression for a long time so I know my limits. I wish depression knew how expensive it was.

[_NaturalTalent_]

Oh yeah I know that feeling.

Ive been missing heaps of work recently, but ive just been through something that's left me in the numb stage of grief and i have worked every day all day this fortnight...

Im gonna have some play money lol, but I got a feeling ill sleep for 48 hrs this weekend hahahaha