Does it ever get easier?

[Ellcrys]

I was diagnosed with depression in early 2011 and since then I have been all over the place. Good days and bad days come and go but there are times when I have manic stages where I just can't seem to shut my brain off at all and I'm totally wired... Can't sleep, feel like I'm invincible, send my partner a bunch of texts because I get fixated on the idea that I've done something wrong when I know deep down that I haven't and that I'm just being paranoid. I get so bad that I literally feel like I am going crazy. I'm medicated at the moment because when I'm not medicated I'm horrible to be around. I keep wondering if it will ever get easier, I get so tired, constantly fighting a battle that I feel like I can never win. 

I'm 23 and I feel like I've lost my own way while all this stuff has been going on, most people I know have their act together but I don't even know what I'm going to be doing with my life in six months time. Being in relationships is difficult too, but I have a great partner right now and he supports me which helps but I can be self destructive. I don't have a lot of friends anymore because one of my previous partners was mentally abusive and very possessive so I pushed away my friends in order to satisfy him. 

Sometimes my family will argue or I will hear my neighbours (complete strangers) having a fight and my anxiety will skyrocket. I can't be around people when there's tension because confrontation is a huge fear of mine and even though it's not directed at me, it still freaks me out completely. I feel guilty for being mentally ill. Like people will think I'm this way for attention or so that I can get out of working. I can only talk to my mum or my best friend, my boyfriend about this topic so many times before it just gets stale but I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow so fingers crossed that helps me somewhat control my anxiety at least.

Sorry my post is so all over the place, it's just hard to get it all out at once without making it too long of a story for others to read.

[gettingbetter]

Hey you know sometimes you don't have to worry about what you're doing in six months time when the anxiety takes you, just worry about what you're doing today. A big part of anxiety is worrying about things that we cannot control, like whats going to happen tomorrow, and as the old saying goes, tomorrow never comes! 

It sucks that you had to push away your friends because your previous boyfriend was so possessive. Do you think maybe now that you have a new boyfriend that is supportive that you could work toward getting some more friends back? This is nothing tof eel guilty about.

[AGrace]

Hi Ellcrys's,

How are you travelling? How did you get on with the Psychologist?

I was reading your post and I wanted to ask who diagnosed you with Depression and Anxiety? Was it a GP or a Psychiatrist? The only reason I'm interested is because I find a lot of GPs state that all mental illnesses are Depression or Anxiety. Have you ever been to a Psychiatrist before? If not, can I suggest you look at this an option. Reading the first paragraph of your post made me wonder whether it may be something else other than just Depression and Anxiety that's troubling you.

It's incredible that you now have the support of your partner, and family. In terms of friends it's always possible to make new friends, and you don't need a whole heap anyway. One really good friend can be priceless. Perhaps consider places you could meet people, community centres, the gym, doing a class in a hobby you are interested in. Have you had a chance to meet any of your partner's friends and perhaps their girlfriends?

Are you working or studying at the moment? I understand it can be difficult to maintain employment when you feel all over the place, but even just part time work or volunteering can put a bit of structure in your days. At 23 I certainly had no idea what I wanted to do, I've had a number of potential careers and it's only now at 34 that I'm starting to consider what's important to me, and what line of work I'd like to get into. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others, you never know where they may be in 5 or 10 years.

The symptoms of mental illness often make us feel like we are attention seeking, and they can give others this impression as well, but you know as well as I do that is this was a physical illness you would expect others to support you.

I hope we'll her back from you.

AGrace