Do I stay or should I go...

[Sherrie_Day]

My boyfriend is my high school sweetheart. He knows me better & undertstands me more than my parents, (I feel). I know how much he loves me too. He's the most intimate relationship I've ever had with anyone. I plan to marry him one day. But the reason I am searching for help is because I'm starting to lose track of myself and what I want that it's made my judgment so faded. I've told him about this but he says it's something I have to work on and that it's not him. I work a full time job, Mon - Fri... 9-5. My time to party is the weekend.. as I am still young! My main issue relates to this & this is where I want some help... He can not be told what to do. He can not be pressure into doing something. Even if he knows it's good for him, or not. He strikes out in rage when I tell him "You really need to renew that, because it'll expire" or "you complain you have no money, but you pay for your friends lunches". He works in the evenings and see's his friends or watches movies with his Mum during the day, when I would prefer it if he looked into studying to get a better job or be more productive with his time. In the past weeks we have been looking to move out of home. I am trying to get him to fill in his application so we can send them off to the agents. I am becoming tired and sick being the mother that I don't think he wants. If I ever mention breaking up, he goes into compete love mode and will do anything to made me hug or kiss him.

As furious as I get. I know I still love him, but I want to know if I should be following the 'If you love something set it free' theory for this time in my life.

If anyone has had a similar situation please respond. I would really apprechaite anyone's assistance.

S - 20 years old NSW

[james1]

Hi Sherrie,

It sounds like you are very confused at the moment about what to do and that's totally understandable. To give you a bit of background, I'm 25 now and I was dating two separate people from 15-18 and then 20 - 24, both whom I thought I'd eventually marry. But apparently it wasn't to be the case!

I say that because, from what you've said, it sounds to me like there's a few things that you both, as a couple, need to work on if this is going to work. A few things I noticed:

- You said you are starting to lose yourself and he is not really supportive.

There are two big red alarms for me here. First, if you are starting to lose yourself, that sounds like you may be diving too far too quickly into the relationship and you risk being dependent on each other. Secondly, it sounds like he completely palmed you off by saying it's not him. True, it is something for you to work on, but it is something he should support you with.

- You mentioned various things which you feel like are things a mother would do for him.

You're his partner, not his mother. Frankly, if he is not grown up and refuses to grow up even with your gentle prodding, you need to reconsider whether he's mature enough to have a proper relationship. His reaction when you talk about breaking up is also a sign that maybe he's not ready. He seems scared to lose you, but not willing to grow up.

--

I could be way off, but it sounds like he's not ready to commit properly, even if he does love you. He could be saying all the right things, but if he is unwilling to support you, isn't bothered to fill in the application to move out (which he should be excited about!)...I think that's something worth talking to him about.

So I think definitely speak to him and gauge what to do from there. Relationships are made and broken on communication, but to me, there are things that definitely need to be sorted through.

All the best

James

[Croix]

Dear Sherrie~

Getting some other peoples' opinions may give you a sense of perspective.

I'll tell you a little about myself, which is a long way to get to the point, but may make it more understandable.

I was a policeman. I was married and thought that I should take the lead in the marriage and be the person 'ultimately responsible' for everything, including paying bills on time, organizing things and so on.

Then I was invalided out with PTSD and was a complete mess. My wife had to go to work (she was a nurse), look after our kid, look after me and do all the things round the house.

As I got better I did more, until eventually we were doing things pretty well equally - my wife was as strong and capable as I'd ever been. We ended up having a partnership - no one person in the lead, no one person behind.

I'd have to say it's the only way to be, with both of us pulling our weight and making decisions that were important together. To be able to unhesitatingly trust and totally rely upon each other - plus love.

Doesn't sound like you're heading in that direction Sherrie. You're right - you're becoming his mother. If you don't have equal support in the relationship now the habits of dependence will become permanent and you will end up in that funny situation of being in a relationship , but being alone.

If it was me I'd let him take his rightful responsibility - and if he doesn't - think seriously of moving on.

My best wishes

Croix