Destroying everything good around me

[Teea]

I don't think I've ever posted here before or to anything like this before..

I feel like it's time to be honest about everything and really just get everything off my chest.

I suffer from diagnosed depression and anxiety. At the moment the anxiety is a lot worse than the depression but that can change easily.

Im 23 and I have 2 kids, one is 4 and one is 16 weeks. I have the most amazing partner. He's not the father of my eldest child but he treats him like he's his own.

The biggest problem here is that I'm completely ruining our relationship. Yesterday he made the choice to move out for a little while cause he can't deal with my anger issues and the rest of it that comes with being with me. We're still together but he needs space which is completely understandable. When I reflect on my past actions I can really see why he'd need space.

Im a very argumentative person, and when things aren't done my way it really irritates me and makes me really on edge. I feel like this stems from childhood. If I don't stop doing this my relationship will well and truly crumble.

I have the worst anxiety. I was on antidepressants but stopped taking them. I'm not really sure why I stoped, but I did and I'm yet to start back on them.

My partner is my best friend. And he's really my only friend. And that's another huge problem cause he feels like the pressure is all on him with everything. I know a need to socialise more but I just find it really hard. I did have a best friend but we just kept fighting all the time (much the same as me and my boyfriend) and now our friendship is over. I don't really talk to my family, so when it all comes down to it, I have no one except for him.

I really can't admit to anyone that I have relationship problems. It makes me feel like I failed and specially cause it's me making the relationship fail. I feel very embarrassed. I feel like it's the social "norm" for the male to be he one making all the mistakes but in this case it's not and it's me who's always asking for forgiveness after stupidly going off at my partner for no reason.

We're currently going through a very stressful chain of events which has also put a lot of pressure on our relationship and it just seems like life is a constant battle and we can't just have an easy run.

I know I need help but I don't know where to start or what to do. I see a counsellor semi-regularly. I'd like to start seeing someone more often. I'm just unsure of how they're going to fix me.

[geoff]

hello Teea, quite a desperate situation from what you have told us, but there is a positive here and that's you have owned up and realise it's a problem you have caused, this does take a brave person to admit.
I wonder whether your doctor has diagnosed you with having PND, and I'm not sure why you wanted to stop taking your medication, but people with anger problems want to defy everybody in what they suggest you should be doing, so you stop taking the med's, but from what has been happening it would be a good idea to speak to your doctor, because these med's may not have done anything to improve your health/r/ship and need to be changed.
I understand that there is a lot going on at the moment and decisions need to be made, but if it's only one sided and he can't get a word in, then he's going to leave because there's no point in him staying around.
I could be being too strong here, but this is what I disliked about my wife, she had to be 95% right, so eventually I didn't want to discuss anything and let her run the house, because if I was determined I would get the 'silent' treatment where she wouldn't talk to me for a few days, until I gave in and let her have her way.
Can I please urge you to see your doctor, I really think this has to be done, because if you don't get any help, the end result is not what you want. Geoff.

[Teea]

Thanks for your reply Geoff. Your situation with your wife reminds me of how I'm acting. That's exactly how I am, but not intentionally. After everything's been said and done I realise how I've acted and my partner is sick of hearing "sorry". I always have to be right and have then done when I want them done and I'm really sick of being this way. I know it's self destructive but I feel like it's embedded in me. I know deep down inside that's it's wrong but it just comes out. I really need to save this relationship because he means so much to me.

I really hope my doctor understands.

[MarkJT]

Teea, great advice from Geoff above but i just wanted to to really put the spotlight on you posting here and telling us your story. That is the first step in really owning who you are and what is going on with you.

I, Geoff and no one else on this planet can help you unless you put your hand up and say I'm not doing things right here and you have done that. You have taken that massive first step and I want to congratulate you on that.

Absolutely get to the GP, discuss what is going on. If you need to get back onto meds, get on them and stay on them.

Are you able to stop yourself before you say something you know you will regret? I know that this is incredibly difficult but with practice i am getting better at it so see if you can do it perhaps?

Mark

[Teea]

I went to doctors today and explained the situation and started a new mental health plan and I'm going to start seeing a psychologist on a more regular basis. The doctor also suggested it might be hormone levels which might explain the anger and anxiety.

Im very happy about moving forward and being honest about what's going on. I'm feeling very hopeful right now.

Thank you both for your replies, I appreciate very much

[MarkJT]

Teea, that is brilliant to hear. Well done for going through with it and seeing the doc.

Hopefully you get a really good psych and remember if, for some reason, you do not like your psych, get a new one. They are there to help and support you.

Hope is a good thing and you are most certainly moving forward now.

Mark.