Depressed and ignoring my friends

[Gia13]

Okay, so I have depression, anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. My life's been pretty rough and with everything going on I've been ignoring my friends more and more. I don't answer any of my friends calls or texts and I don't do anything with them anymore except sit and talk with them at school. I've been on break but school goes back tomorrow and I haven't talked to my friends at all. I'm worried how they will be tomorrow because I know one of my friends is annoyed because I haven't replied but I don't know how the others will have reacted. Sometimes I push through it and talk to them for at least a couple of minutes but I haven't even tried over the break. They don't know about the depression, or anything for that matter. I know they have been getting annoyed but I don't know what to tell them. Should I use an excuse? Or should I just tell them the truth? Or maybe I could pretend like it didn't happen. I don't know... help!

[Neil_1]

Hi Gia

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and posting.

With regard to your friend who you haven’t responded back to, do you feel that they are a close friend?   Or were a close friend?   Would you feel comfortable in possibly telling them a little bit about how you’ve been feeling?     In that, you’ve been feeling unwell for a while now and that you didn’t want to worry or trouble them;   something along those lines?

Just a short post, cause I’m not sure if you’ve already had your first day back yet;    but if you have, how did it go??

Also, hopefully you may get some other responses on here to your post, which may be more beneficial to you than mine was.

Kind regards

Neil

[Zeal]

Hi Gia,

When I was a teenager (I'm almost 22 now), I also had perfectionistic tendencies, anxiety and depression. It's tough, especially when there are other things going on in your life. It's great that you have good friends who want to do things with you and hang out.

If you are close to your friends, I would recommend telling them the truth. You don't have to give them lots of detail, but just tell them why you haven't been responding to them. You could say you've been feeling unhappy and unwell, and that you weren't able to go out. Explain that you still want to be friends, and that you are sorry for not responding to them. This way, they won't think you're ignoring them because you don't want to be their friend.

When it comes to anxiety and depression, having friends is important. Isolating yourself from others can actually make the depression worse, as feeling alone can lead to some pretty negative thoughts. I've done this also, and suffered the emotional consequences. I had a bout of serious mental illness over two years ago now, and I isolated myself socially. I now see my friends regularly, and being with them puts me in a good mood.

When you start spending time with your friends again, try not to speak about negative things much. It's important to be yourself though, and no one will expect you to be happy and in control of your emotions all the time. If you feel miserable, you could do more of the listening in conversations with your friends. Some people love to talk, and appreciate having someone to listen to them. If one of your friends is talkative and outgoing, this will work well. If you feel you need to talk to a friend about your problems, do so at an appropriate time. You could talk to a close friend about how you are feeling when other people have gone to buy lunch, for example.

Did your doctor diagnose you with anxiety and depression? Do you see your doctor regularly about these issues? It's important to talk things through with a doctor or counsellor if you're finding it hard to cope. Also, you may need to have treatment. This doesn't have to involve having medication. There are techniques you can learn to control your negative thoughts and manage symptoms of anxiety.

I hope your first day back at school went well.

Hopefully I'll hear back from you 🙂

SM

[Gia13]

Firstly, thank you for the welcome and your post.

To answer your questions, I do consider them to be close friends but I don't know if I can tell them. I had my first day back yesterday and it was okay but a couple of my friends mentioned it. One told me some news and said accusingly "yeah I tried to tell you in the holidays but I guess I have the wrong number because you never picked up" and walked off. After that she was fine and seemed to let it go though.

[Gia13]

Hi SM,

Some of those who know about my depression (family and therapist) think I should tell my friends but to be honest, I'm afraid of them treating me differently. My old friend was depressed for a little while and most of those she told treated her like she was fragile and were constantly asking if she was doing okay. They generally acted more reserved around and would tell others so even though she only told ten people herself, it spread to the whole year level and other year levels really quickly. I don't want that. I want them to act normal around me and treat me like they normally would. Also, I don't want anyone else to know. If I was going to tell only one person I'd want that knowledge to remain with only them.

I don't really want to lose my friends. I love them and they're great people. I will keep that in mind. I understand how that would make it worse but sometimes it just seems like too much of an effort.

A lot of my friends are talkative so it's always easy just to listen.  I definitely wouldn't speak about negative thoughts, even if they knew. Thanks for that advice.

The doctor I went to claimed I had nothing to be nervous or upset about before I even told her about any of my thoughts, panic attacks, anything. She said I'm a teenager who has an easy life just hanging out with friends, being with a family who loves me and not having to work or have any real commitments. That was quite disappointing to say the least. I've always hated her and she's quite a bad doctor.

I saw a psychologist after that called Holly. I've had a few sessions with her now. She was the one who diagnosed me and we have only just begun looking at strategies. I've been seeing her every three weeks so I will see her again in two weeks.

Might I ask you a question? You don't have to answer but how did you treat your anxiety and depression? Do you still have problems with it now or has it completely gone away? Sorry but I'm curious and I don't really know if I can do it.

Thank you and best wishes.

Gia.

[Zeal]

Hi Gia,

Thanks for responding. I'm glad your family know about your anxiety and depression. I can understand you not wanting people to know. You could tell just a few of your closest friends, and say you’re getting help. Tell them you’d really appreciate it if they don’t tell others, as you think it will be easier to get better if people don’t treat you differently. This way, you are giving your friends a reason not to tell others.

Tell your friends that you might need time alone every now and then, and won’t always feel like going out. Say that being friends is important to you, and that you want to be there for them too. If your friends do treat you a bit differently after you tell them (even if they don’t mean to), you could tell them that nothing they say or do can make you better or worse. Tell them depression and anxiety need treatment, but that you can still have the same friendship with them. In fact, having close relationships has been proven to help with depression.

It’s great that you won’t speak about negative thoughts. This will make it easier for your friends to treat you as they always have. The doctor you saw who made you feel like your problems are not a big deal had no right to make you feel that way. This doctor should not give you grief for being young and not having adult responsibility yet. It’s great that you’ve found a good psychologist now :)

My depression was diagnosed when I was in my early teens. It didn’t get severe. My anxiety was the worst for me. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at 13, and also had general anxiety. My OCD became severe in my mid teens. I still have mild OCD, but it’s manageable. I’m well and happy now, but it has taken time. I felt I couldn’t relate to some of the doctors I saw.

My advice to you is to stay with Holly, and try to take on board all the advice she gives you. Believe you can get better, and you will. While undergoing psychological treatment is crucial for you, pay attention to lifestyle factors too. I wish my doctors would have emphasised the basics more. Eat a variety of nutritious foods. Have caffeine and alcohol only in small amounts (if at all), and avoid food colours and energy drinks. If you don’t drink alcohol yet, that’s even better.Take time to enjoy things that interest you. If you like sport, join school teams. Try to keep doing things you love.

Good luck, and feel free to repost with more questions,

SM

[Gia13]

Thank you so much SM!

[Zeal]

You're very welcome Gia 🙂