Dating with BDD and anxiety?

[ThousandMiles]

Hello, been a while since I've been on here 🙂

I've been receiving treatment for depression and GAD for 2.5 years and have seen a lot of improvement, but I'm finding my more recently diagnosed BDD much harder to cope with and feel like I still haven't been given the tools to deal with it. 

It's not severe but it's quite bad. I spend a significant amount of time each day checking my face, comparing myself constantly to others, worrying about my ugliness, thinking about things people have said to me about appearance or when people have been mean about that of others, complaining about how I look and asking for confirmation or reassurance, obsessing over the "rating girls out of ten" and what my "score" would be, etc. Objectively I know I'm not *hideous*, but I'm not pretty either, and I fear judgement, isolation and failure because of it.

I'm most worried about this sabotaging relationships with people. It puts strain on my family relationships at times and often with close friends too.
With dating, I don't constantly ask if they think I'm ugly or how they think I look, but I can't help but ask sometimes. And I'm constantly worried about it too; whether I'm good enough for them, whether they don't really like me... I hang onto any appearance comments as well. For instance if they mention a girl they find attractive, I'll feel inferior. Or if they talk about how pretty an ex was, same thing. And if they talk about people being fat or ugly, I'll also feel bad, as if they're talking about me.
  It doesn't completely sabotage intimacy, but I am quite fussy about lighting and I normally keep a skirt on as well. Which nobody has minded that much yet but they ask "why are you so insecure" and I wish I didn't feel like I need to.
The person I'm with right now is much skinnier than me which doesn't help. I'm not overweight but I'm that end of "healthy".

 I'm worried that these obsessive feelings towards my appearance are going to push people away and make me feel worse. Right now, I know I want to feel better about myself, but the only way I can see that happening is to change how I look -pretty much beyond my control.

Any tips for not letting this ruin things while I learn how to control my BDD better? Don't want to drive people away 😞

[Paul]

Hi ThousandMiles,

Great that you are back and put a call out on the forums. It sounds like a a bit of a battle especially seeing as you mentioned GAD and Depression having improved but now BDD has been added to the mix. Grrr.

I think you are spot on at the start of the post in answering a question that you posed at the end of your post. Gathering and learning the tools required to manage and reduce these illnesses is the key. Of course losing weight if it is a danger to your health can be part of an overall solution, but I don't get the feeling it's going to be the whole solution.

Are you able to talk to your psych about it?

Paul

[Narniakid]

Hey ThousandMiles, thank you for your post and for reaching out to us.

I can totally relate to where you are coming from. I also suffer extreme insecurities and it was difficult when I first got into a relationship with my current partner a year ago. I would constantly critisize myself over small mistakes etc and my partner, who suffers bipolar, would snap and get upset at me for treating myself this way. 

One way I decided to try and boost my self confidence was to give myself a makeover. Nothing drastic, but I bought some make up for the first time and started wearing that, and I threw out my old clothes and bought some new dresses and skirts that I wouldn't previously have worn. The way I saw it, I liked it when my partner, who is a very classy and confident man, took care of himself and took pride in his appearance, I admired it. And so I wanted to be able to do the same for him. 

Its been about 7 months since I gave myself this makeover and I have found I actually do a have a bit more self confidence. It's funny what simply trying something new can do. Give it a go.

Crystal