Dark Voids of Nothing

[Lady94]

For the last couple of years, I've been getting periods of darkness. No one can ever understand it & it worries me that if I tell people how I feel, they'll look at me differently. Ever since I was 16 I used to run away & avoid confrontation - but I realised that what use of running away, if what you're running away from is inside your head? I make goals that I work towards thinking that achieving them will make me feel better - but once I achieve them, the high only last for a couple hours. There are days when I don't want to get out off bed - all I want to do is find another reality to get lost in. I use distractions like books, movies, music to avoid thinking. I try to fight off the dark days, but sometimes it feels good to just let go. I find people annoying & petty & I can't stand to be around them for too long. Why?  

I was in a bad relationship & it sounds cliché, but I feel like I can never trust anyone ever again. He turned out to be gay & I was in love with him. I don't know how to deal with it. The logical part of me says I cant get mad - it wasn't in his power to change that. But he keeps coming back into my life & I love him too much to let him go through his depression periods by himself. The only down part is that I ALWAYS end up getting hurt. He wanted us to start anew recently & I stupidly said yes. I asked if he was sure he was over guys & he told me "it was a phase". I was stupid to believe that. It never is a phase. what makes it worse is that  he knows he did me wrong & he keeps apologising, but this isn't the first time its happened. this has been going on for 2-3years. But I don't blame him for any of this. Its my fault. It always is.

This just adds to my feeling of worthlessness &

uselessness. I feel like I can't keep acting like I'm ok & "happy" when all I want to do is curl up in a dark room, in a corner and cry my heart out. Everything hurts, &I'm scared because I'm turning numb. Feeling and having emotions seems overrated now. What's the use if its all just going to make you feel pain. I'm not strong enough for this and I can't keep fighting off the peace that the dark void ahead of me gives. I'm 20 now & this has been happening since I was 16. Its been a while. I know some people out there have been battling longer but I'm not as strong.

I used to think of going to the doctors and getting medicated - but right now, I

don' t really care anymore.  

I guess

I just needed someone to talk to about all this.

Thanks.

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[Doolhof]

Hi Lady,

I'm really sorry it has taken quite a while for you to receive a reply. It must be really hard when you reach out for help and advice and it seems like no one is there! I would like to welcome you to the Beyond Blue site and hope you do receive more feed back, care and assistance to help you through this dark time.

I would recommend you see your GP and ask for some help with your issues. It does not mean that you have to be on medication long term, you may need to receive some assistance with medication to get you over this really bad patch.

Talking to someone professionally may help as well. If you see your Dr. they can write you up a mental health plan and you can see a psychologist for 10 visits free. It may help you to talk stuff through with a professional.

There are telephone help lines you can phone like the Beyond Blue number and Life Line to name a couple. I have also used the webchat service mentioned at the top of this page.

I'm sorry to read your relationship with this guy has been so messy for you. Please don't blame yourself and say it is all your fault. There is nothing you could have done to make this guy like other guys, it is something he chose for himself. You have to decide if you want this guy back in your life as a lover or as a male friend only. Are you saying that he is depressed as well? Both of you struggling with who you are and who you want to be will be difficult in a relationship as well.

I really would like to encourage you to see a DR and ask for some help, to continue writing here and hopefully other people in the community here will reach out to you as well, and to seek help from the phone services or the web chat above when life gets really dark for you.

Hang in there and get back to me as to how you are coping.

Thinking of you. from Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Lady

I’m so pleased that Doolhof has come to your post and replied.  Thank you for coming here Lady and providing your post and like Doolhof, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

Dools has provided a very caring and helpful response and has covered a lot of the things I was going to mention – especially the seeking out of some professional help at this time.

Your methods for distraction are very similar to some of the ones I use – books, movies, music – and when I’m injury free, I’m very much into exercise as well.  You’ve asked a question that I don’t think I can answer – where you asked “Why?” can I not stand being around people for too long.  I feel this too and often times, I quote one of Jerry Seinfeld’s lines by saying “People are the worst”.  🙂

You’ve mentioned about your relationship.  Though at the bottom it sounds like you’re back together, it doesn’t sound that its particularly harmonious?  Has he swayed back over to the “other side” while still in a relationship with you?  You also finished off by saying it is your fault.  Now Lady, as far as I know it takes TWO people to be in a relationship – the blame cannot go all to one person.  The blame shared is a blame halved – or something like that.  Now I can’t tell you what to do with regard to this – only you know the answer to that – but I can suggest that you’ve written a decent amount about this – which suggests to me that it’s really a key focal point in your life.  And a focal point of not being all rosey and happy.  I won’t write more on this, but I wonder if you know what the punchline might be here??

I do hope you can write back again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lady94]

Doolhof: Thank you so much for your reply.. I really appreciate it & yes I have thought of seeking professional help. It's just that my moods change constantly and I have days where I think everything's ok,  then I'll sit down and realise that it may not be. But in saying that I can say that today is a good day for me. I feel like I can see clearly & I'm very glad I wrote on this forum. I will continue to write here & thank you for the welcoming words.

Neil: Hi. Thanks for replying too. Yes, he seems to have swayed to the "other side" again. I know it should've been expected - but honestly? I guess I just wasn't thinking straight. After writing to this forum, I feel like - as I mentioned above - I see clearly. Almost like a weight has been lifted off me. Other people understand. It's a good feeling. & your Jerry Seinfeld line was great! 🙂 It made me laugh because it is true. Sometimes people are the worst. Comes with the deal of life though I guess.  

Guys I will take all your advice into consideration - I don't at this point feel like I can go to the doctors. I feel like I'll be labelled. I guess its a personal stigma I have to work against. But im really glad that there are services like this forum out there.

Take care

[Neil_1]

Dear Lady

Hey, thanx so much for responding back and before I get into the nitty gritty, it’s great that you enjoyed the Seinfeldism 🙂   That’s a show I can watch over and over again;  well after all there are about 177 episodes.  Good stuff and funny.  I think we need things like that to help us out.

Lady, if you go to a GP, you won’t be labelled.  Well, can I say that for 100% truth – I guess I can’t – but if I was a doctor, and you came to me, I wouldn’t label you.  “Yeah great Neil – that’s a huge help”.  Um sorry about that.  Sorry about that Lady – just me arguing with myself again.

I’m not sure if you know, but on this site, Beyond Blue have set up a comprehensive list of GP’s, that can be searched for.  If you do this, I hope you may find one or more in your local area.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all fully qualified in dealing with mental health issues – so if you were to make an appointment, when booking ask the receptionist if the GP could arrange to do a mental health plan with you.  I know it sounds a lot and a little daunting – but as you’re probably aware, it’s very common place.  The GP would then be best able to provide you with any referrals if need be and more (if need be).

If you’d like to ask more about this side of things before you actually make an appointment, then please write back with as many questions as you’d like to throw at me.  I’ll do my very best to answer them for you.

I think one of the main things Lady is to know that you are not on your own out there.  You are definitely not on your own.

Will be great to hear back from you.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Dear Lady,

Hi. Thanks for getting back to us. I hope you are able to seek some professional help when you feel like you are up to it, even to receive a different perspective to all that has been happening in your life from someone over the phone is an advantage.

It is great Neil has offered you a lot of advice and support as well. There really are so many thoughtful and caring people here on the BB sites. Like Neil mentioned, a Dr should not label anyone for any condition they present to him or her. Or were you concerned that "people" in general would label you?

Mental health problems are recognised by some people out there in the community, but for others it is still an illness they do not understand or accept. I had two weeks in the mental health ward of a hospital a few years back while I was working int he child care industry. The Drs and psychs at the hospital told me not to inform my employer where I had been hospitalised! I did tell my employer and the parents concerned about my health, and took some time off work with unpaid sick leave. I found the parents were very understanding.

I'm not sure how you will decide to proceed with your boyfriend. Maybe you will chose to stay friends and not have a physical relationship anymore. What ever happens, remember you are both people with your own thoughts and actions and his behaviour does not have to make you feel like you are to blame in any way or responsible for his choices in life.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. Cheers for now, from Dools.