Consumed by grief and self loathing, hard to find purpose in my life.

[Plant]

Well. This is my first time here. I spose i came because right now i just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. I see someone fortnightly who is one of the only things i look forward to. They are the only times when my head feels clear.

I hate more than half my school year, and consider 90% of my friends "fake". Ive been betrayed by multiple best friends over my life, which has made me feel gullible and worthless. I dont trust my parents.

But all this just makes me feel like i have blown it all out of proportion, and that i am stupid, and worthless. I dont feel like i have a valid reason to feel this way, that i overreact to everything.

I put on a facade for my friends, and my family, but when left alone with my thoughts everything hurts. Ive lost all 3 of my childhood pets in the last 2 years, and while 2 of them passed of old age, i could deal with them.

But the 3rd pet, the youngest, i am so torn about. She was a beautiful 6 year old cat, my first cat, and i loved her more than the world.

She would always venture away from home, but close enough to be within yelling earshot, and each day i would call out and she would come back.

Then one day 2 years ago, she didnt. 3 weeks before that my parents had said that they needed to give her away, because she scratched at the furniture too much.

I thought i managed to convince them otherwise, but i just dont know. I also am unsure as to whether i checked her for ticks or not the day before she went missing, as she had a history of getting them. I dont know though.

When both of my other pets died later, my parents wanted to get photos of them and our new dog who i hate, they left my cat out, till i reminded them of her.

They never once cried for her after she dissappeared, while i do every night and morning. I hate myself, and dont feel like i can trust the people around me, and dont know what in my life is worth it.

The person i see is helpful but i feel like telling them about this would be a waste and is completely stupid. I feel like im disgusting, and that noone will ever care for me.

Can people please tell me what is worth fighting for in my life, because im just filled with so much grief that nevet stops its overwhelming.

[Zeal]

Hi Plant,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry to hear that you feel so sad, lonely and as if you can't trust others. If you don't mind me asking, what has led to your distrust of your parents? It sounds as though the situation with your cat didn't help. Losing pets is hard. I've only ever lost one pet - our family dog passed away at the age of 16 in late 2013. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your cat. I also love cats. My family has a 10 year old black and white moggie, who I adore.

Hating yourself, not trusting others and being sad all the time is a really rough way to live. There is a way for your emotional wellbeing to become more manageable, and that involves opening up emotionally to someone. It would be great if you could talk to your school counsellor or your family doctor (GP). I promise you that there are always going to be people who are trustworthy and caring. In your present situation, I can understand why this may be hard to internalise. It sounds as though you've had some very negative experiences with friendships. Is there a friend at school (or even outside of school) who you can still spend time with?

Whenever you need to talk to someone understanding and knowledgeable, you call call Beyondblue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636. Please seek help as soon as possible.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[hayleynew]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry you have come to feel this way. What in your life is currently making you happy? You mentioned you see someone, do you mean a psychologist or counsellor? If that is the case, nothing you say to them is stupid or irrelevant and may help in forming why you may feel the way you do on a deeper level.

You mentioned you have lost a few childhood pets in a small space of time and the most recent one hit you hard as you have many fond cherished memories. You also feel that you have lost many friends or feel they are fake, is that correct? What is it about their behaviour that makes you think they are being fake? Have you tried to discuss your want for more loyal friendships with them? Even though, you may not have thought of it at the time or even now, I think you may be going through some grief and loss. Grief and loss can be death but it can be a mourning of something you once had that is no longer there. This could be your pets whom have passed on or it could be on the flip side, friendships.

What do you think of joining a local social group .or community support group? It could be a way of finding someone either with similar issues or generally wants to meet new people. You could get a new hobby and in turn, fill that void in your life with meaning again. This is not to say you don't have meaning already but it may make you feel more complete within yourself.

The thoughts you have come to internalise could have been because of the previous hardships you have endured over the last few years. I can understand why you may feel your life lacks meaning, you feel you can not trust people and let's be honest, generally feel crap about yourself. You may not see light at the end of the tunnel just yet but there is some good news... you made your life purposeful by reaching out and discussing the feelings you are having. Your life must mean something to you if you are willing to open up and discuss such things to strangers, right?

Do not hesitate to call BeyondBlue or Lifeline to gain further support or advise but never feel that you are alone.

Would love a reply to see how you got on.

Kind regards,

Hayleynew

[Plant]

Hi Hayleynew, thanks for the reply.

I feel horrible because i dont think i have a valid reason feel this way. I dont come from an abusive or broken family, im not adopted, noone is an alcoholic or drug addict. I do well in school, have "lots of friends". Losing a few pets along the way "is just life", everyone says. "You have to learn it one day, better sooner than later". But to me this cat was the reason i woke up and went to sleep. It was the reason i went to school, so that when i came home it would be there. Now that is gone. I feel guilty for playing video games because my parents disagree, but they give me a release because im not thinking about all the pain in the world while i play them. I quit sport because i kept getting too sick to play, now i feel weak. Every time i try to get a routine, to achieve a goal, i fail. Either because i get sick, or i just give up. My life feels like its full of disappointment, and failure. I hate our new dog, not just because we got him the day after we put my original dog down, but because my parents treat him even better than they ever treated any of our other pets. They got rid of all the other pets belongings because they werent good enough for him. It disgusts me. I just cant find anything worth pushing forward for. My parents say you go to school to go to uni to get a job to raise a family. But that all feels to hard and far away. I will fail then so whats the point in trying now.

Thanks for all your support

[Just Sara]

My dear Plant;

How sad I feel for you. So young, yet in so much pain. I've read thru the above posts and see some wonderful support and information for you. Zeal is a Community Champion as am I. We understand the complexities of helpless and hopeless feelings, which it seems you've been caught up in for some time now. Hayley seems a lovely caring person too who's given some great advice.

When people feel grief and despair, they can get so caught up in the emotion it seems nothing will make it better, like sinking in quicksand. It is real though, and hurts so much, even physically. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't leave it to get infected would you? Wouldn't you go to the hospital or see a doctor? Your emotional pain is no less important Plant.

I have a little dog who's 12 yrs old. He's at the top of his life span average for his breed. He's my friend, companion and a wonderful confidant..he loves me heaps, listens to me cry or rant, and asks nothing in return except to be loved back. I am preparing to lose him one day, but until then, I love him like he was my own. I rescued him from a puppy farm when he was 7 wks old. I call him 'my change of life baby'. I will grieve him like a lost child when it's time. Then, life will go on. The time this takes, I don't know. But I will give myself permission to grieve for as long as it takes.

I'd like to address the question you asked at the end of your first post; "Can people please tell me what is worth fighting for in my life.." The answer is simple...You are! You are so important Plant! Not because you're special or elite in some way; simply because you were born. You fought your way into this world instinctively 'knowing' you had to come out, and had a primal 'need' to survive. Each birthday, we celebrate not only the anniversary of our birth, but also a right of passage into the next phase of our life. We learn, grow and prepare through falling down and picking ourselves up again.

My favourite quote of all time was made by Peter Pan; "..to live, is the greatest adventure!" Plant, the most amazing thing you can do for 'you', is live and shine with self respect and faith in yourself. Trust you...

Please seek professional support ok?

Dizzy (Hugs)

[White_Rose]

Dear Plant

Hello and welcome. This is a safe place for you to write about your griefs and pain. We will always be here, ready to hold you up and walk with you. So please keep talking.

I get the impression you already see a mental health professional of some type. Psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor? If this is the case then I urge you to tell this person all that you have told us. Counsellors are there to help you and must keep your information confidential. Sometime medication is a good option. It will not 'cure you', that's not the reason for taking it. It helps you look at your life more clearly. Helps to get rid of the fog in your life. Sometimes this is a good option, but necessarily. Talk about this with your counsellor. If you feel uncomfortable saying the words, then copy and print all or your parts of this thread and give it to the counsellor to read.

I am a grandma so have been around for a while. I have had many pets, cats, dogs, hamsters and mice for my children, even a tame sheep. Most of them died from old age, but not all. One cat was bitten by a snake, someone stole my beautiful red setter and my lovely dog Whiskey I had to put to sleep when she broke her back. I have grieved for them all, from the first dog we had when I was child, through all the many pets in my life. The grief is very real and the more precious the pet the more you grieve. So let the tears flow and remember the happy hours you spent with your cat. Try and make friends with the new dog. It does not know the painful time you are experiencing but cuddling the dog may help you get through your grief.

As Dizzy said, you are worthwhile because you are you and there is no one else like you. Hating yourself is not good or constructive. Talk about this with your counsellor. How can a bad person take care of your pets with the love you have shown? Think of all the good things you do or have done. Refrain from mentally adding a 'yes but' after each one. Make a positive list and read it often. And anyway, Dizzy has pointed out you have had replies from two Community Champions. Now you have three. We all think you are a good and worthwhile person. Surely you can't argue with three champs.😊

Mary